Just so everyone knows, yes, the Cancer is getting the best of my body right now. Not gotten as far as my mind yet (though some would speculate it's been there since 1962) and I am on the hunt to prevent that. I have the rare chance to have some asked for and been given help. Hopefully they can stand what Baxter dishes out so at least my mind stays clear. Found my Spirit guides again, and since they are all past lives I've led, I had the chance to jump them out. They never left, they were just being quiet, because I had it under control. All the prayers all of you who follow the blog have put in for me, got the three of them together to help give me strength, which is all I've ever asked to have in the first place. I didn't pray for a cure, nor did I ask any of you all to pray I'd be cured. Held hope for miracles? Of course, but that wasn't the main reason. I've seen many prayers that ask for me to be given some relief from the pain. And that's happened. Liz, who know me better than anyone (sorry, long term friends, she knows things about me I'd never tell even my best friends) seems to become suddenly aware of when I can't hold the pain down, or when I've become anxious (and I hide the signs of that pretty damn well) and she's made the call to my Hospice nurse, and Kent has come by early to check on and take care of me. That doesn't happen by accident, that comes from all of you praying, holding the good thoughts for me, or just plain asking the Karma Police if I can get a break. Liz and I appreciate all that you do for us. We share better now and that in itself was no easy feat, believe me. So, from the Straight Jacket files, all three of my past lives have come to help again. The way it feels, I think one brought along a trusted friend to help out some one close to me. Anyone not feeling like you're all there, don't panic, it's a trusted friend of one of my past lives. You're fine, and helping out too.
I am back on the hunt. I've managed, after a miserable fucking week of either non stop pain, or complete mental exhaustion from sparring with Baxter, to find that place I can go to do the most damage to the cancer, and the most help for my presence of mind. With the head clear, I can work a little biofeed back and fight the cancer without exhausting myself. Your encouragement, and my stubborn attitude have helped the family and I keep me running longer than I had expected. Without you all, my family wouldn't be as effective, I don't think. Not because they didn't and aren't trying, but they are few, but with you all backing them up with prayers and positive thoughts for me to have strength they are successful. This is one of the few occasions where "many hands make light work" fits. In most of my work experience over the last 39 years (yes, I still count this and 2013) the adage is more honest written like this: "Many hands make me want to tell you to get the fuck out of my way so I can work". I do not believe that's how it's meant to work, accurate, but not the intent. It's rough, sometimes, keeping the positive attitude, even knowing full well, if I don't, I'm going to die faster. The Old Scratch that is cancer can't stand it if your attitude is good. It can't thrive there. Sure, it can continue to grow, but it can't grow as fast as it can if you quit fighting and just let things happen. If I'm being honest with you all and myself, I've knocked months off my life, for just the day or so when I felt like giving in.
I can feel that in my bones. If you're honest with what your body tells you, it will show you where to turn next. Even I do that, "Oh Bull Shit! You can't be right. But it is nearly every time. I like it to throwing the heavy weight over the bar in heavy athletics. My best throws ever, is when I've relaxed and let my body to what it has been taught to do…And on it's way up, that 42# or 56# weight feels like it's weightless. Everything working at once and in harmony. That was worth a foot on the 56# and almost 2 feet, almost a foot with the 56#, all from paying attention. So, I'm back on the hunt, let's see how long I can make this work.
Once, back in the old days, I was off playing with the guys who's dad owned the Sinclair filling station. In fact, after the offices in front, their house was right out back. In those days, we wore keys, or off brand tennis shoes. None of them were very good at keeping things like nails out of our feet and the like. Anyway, I'm playing away with these guys and step on a board with a hail coming up. Right into my foot is went. I was only about 5 so yeah, I cried my ass off all the time I was pulling that piece of board off my foot. Bear in mind, there were 3 of those Irwin (knew I'd remember it LOL), me and two kids I didn't recognize. Only one Irwin kid was my age, the rest of that guy were 9 or ten. Anyway, I'm boo hoping taking the nail and board off my shoot with tone of those Irwin boys said "If you don't want that to happen, wear boots, piss pants. So I drilled the loud mouth. Ohhhh what a mistake that was!! I got dog piled, then 9 or 10 year old grabbed my left arm and bit the piss out of it. Black blue teeth marks and blood running out of some of those. "Go tell your daddy cry baby! My dad isn't afraid of yours!" Turned out they were wrong. I rode back up there with me dad. He showed the Irwin's dad my arm, then said a bunch of stuff really fast ( I think one of them was "I won't bite your arm, I'll pull the mother fucker off and shove it up your ass". We went out back. I went first and all those kids were laughing their asses off, until my dad came our with Mr. Irwin. He was pretty pale if I remember correctly. We stood there while he tanned everyone's ass, doubled down on the biter. I did have to have a tetanus shot, and had to carry my arm in a sling for a month from all the surface damage from the biting.
Later on, if First grade, one of the Irwin boys was in third grade in my room with me. He made fun of me for the first two weeks of school. He never could explain how my spit his lips on the leg of the slipper slide, but I knew. No, I didn't blind side him, I was just so mad there wasn't shit he could do about running, fighting back, or keeping me from bouncing his mouth along that post until I got tired. Only 5 or 6 times, I think. None of the former Parochial School kids messed with me after that. It was a quiet ride, up to 5th grade when we moved and I had to go to school in Russell Kansas. It seemed like a metropolis to me, being so small and all.
Hugs and french kiss all day LOL
Monday, February 24, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Wow, Time Got Away From Me
It's gotten to the point, or damn close to it, that I count "Good Hours" instead of "Good Days" versus "Bad Days". It's been a couple of weeks since I had a complete Good or Bad Day. The Bad Days overtook the Good Days about ten days back. I didn't let on so much because I wasn't entirely certain myself. I mean, geez, I didn't keep a record of Good Vs. Bad Days. Too much like Mad's "Spy Vs Spy", and we can't have that at all. I've had the damn Anxiety mixed in with Restless Leg Syndrome. I tried to tell them it was just my feet wanting to see how far up someone's ass I could shove a boot, even as poorly as I feel. They did not buy that. Now the swapped Xanax for Diazepam (Valium) but they won't let me mix the two. Must be some problem there I don't see, and I didn't ask, which is odd in itself. Damn Valium knocks my pee pistol in the dirt. Not that that is such a bad thing, and I don't set around with my feet and legs flopping like a fish out of water, and that's a good thing. The Jaw, well that's another story. Still get hit HARD with that bone pain, just not as often, and the tendon pain is getting a bit better. Both of those are good things. The sad thing about this list of good things is how quickly they get separated from the rest of me. Apparently my individual body parts don't have a GPS.
The crux of all this is that once I'm up, if the day looks good, and I feel fine, chances are now that failure to maintain that is coming up. Had a bit of that this morning. I hated it, but I did get some steam blown off, and I got to spend a pretty darn enjoyable time with Liz. Which later on went sideways for that as well. So you see. One minute I'm hunky dory and the next my everything hurts and I can't get shit right with an adding machine and someone using it for me. Which makes it hard for me to be lovable, which I am, really. And why is that? It's because I'm losing ground, and I've lost my spirit guides. The three past lives that I've had. I can't find them anymore. I don't know what's become of them.
A couple of weeks ago my sister Kathy mentioned she's seen me as a Highlander, Templar Knight, and a Viking. Cool stuff by golly. I think she's correct. When I was in Houston, I refused 99.9% of the pain killers they gave me, because quite frankly I didn't need them. So I worked on my self hypnosis to help me sleep. It worked alright, but also cranked up my mind for some other things. I don't know what came first for Kathy, but I saw the Templar Knight. He was off his horse, praying. I hope he was praying for strength as he guides me through my pain, and later the near fear and debilitating news that there was no more they could do for me, surgery, chemo, radiation damn sure out. That'd kill me. So, he was there, then a few nights later, I'm doing the same thing. I find it easier to get to the "relaxation" areas of my brain when it's a little more quite. Like a hospital ward offers. So out I go and the Viking shows up, he too is looking for strength for an upcoming battle, and he asks the Hammer of The Gods to help him be brave and steadfast. From what I saw, he was. I got close, asked for some guidance, he laughed and walked away. Well, he didn't need me for a ride, so that didn't bother me. Two weeks later, we are close to going home. Seriously leaving Houston and only coming back for check ups. That's when I saw the Highlander. Same thing, asking for help to be brave and strong, no matter what happens. I can relate, I do that myself. I did have a ride, and he did accept it. He was meeting with two other men that he said I'd already met.
Sure enough, the Templar and the Viking were there. We stopped, they talked about helping guide me in my quest for relaxation and pain. And which is better for right now. I mentioned the woman and how she wouldn't sell, loan, or just give me a bite. The said that was okay. I'll have other choices down the stretch. Then it dawned on me, these guys are my guides. General Patton believed in reincarnation, why shouldn't I? They all have different attributes. The Viking is relentless in his quest to wipe my cancer out, with my help. We fight, laugh, have a couple of huge drinks, and go back at it. The Templar, he's God's right hand. He won't fight unless you feel the person he's fighting isn't from God. Then there's a problem, they Templar will hill them. The Highlander, he's honorable, brave, and a fierce fighter. He has no problem with killing what ever is killing me. So he doesn't like cancer either. He was glad that the fight was at his front door this time. I've got to find the hole it went with, go in, kill what's there, then come out the other Side. I'm a bit torn. Let him take the turn he wasn't going to take, or follow him a bit to see what I'm supposed to do, or if I'm to help him. It'll come to me.
I'd shoved all this to the back of my mind. And, foolishly, torn out the pages of Lortab schedule of which I'd been keeping track. Then thinking about what I'd written down about the three past lives of mine, I thought it best to ditch that shit too. So I did. After Kathy mentioned it a week or so back, it had been killin me trying to figure out who these guys were. Mental imagery, wishful thinking, or spot on. I chose spot on as the winner. Not because there's more to this world or the next than the eye can see, or is able to see. But because the places we've traveled, folks and I, Liz, kids, and I, me by my lonesome. At one time or another I'd catch a glimpse of one helping me look out for the stupid shit I have nearly stepped in. Sometimes two or all three, when things were going really well. But, I've lost them. The stuff I used to do to find them, finds empty space.
Liz believes they have brought me along as far as they can, that they are waiting for me. That's a possibility I can see. Since they are essentially me, at different lives I've been given, at different times in History, certainly they would be waiting. I do hope I am slated for at least one more life. And that somewhere, Liz is going to share THAT life with me as well. The really cool thing might be that Liz and I have always been together, although that's not what I picked up from the Templar or the Viking. Neither one of those lives had "wife" written in for any reason I can find. Although, the Viking was way into North America before he had to go at it alone.
Time to close this out, before the Loony Squad gets me fixed up with one of those extra long sleeved shirts with now end in them at all.
The crux of all this is that once I'm up, if the day looks good, and I feel fine, chances are now that failure to maintain that is coming up. Had a bit of that this morning. I hated it, but I did get some steam blown off, and I got to spend a pretty darn enjoyable time with Liz. Which later on went sideways for that as well. So you see. One minute I'm hunky dory and the next my everything hurts and I can't get shit right with an adding machine and someone using it for me. Which makes it hard for me to be lovable, which I am, really. And why is that? It's because I'm losing ground, and I've lost my spirit guides. The three past lives that I've had. I can't find them anymore. I don't know what's become of them.
A couple of weeks ago my sister Kathy mentioned she's seen me as a Highlander, Templar Knight, and a Viking. Cool stuff by golly. I think she's correct. When I was in Houston, I refused 99.9% of the pain killers they gave me, because quite frankly I didn't need them. So I worked on my self hypnosis to help me sleep. It worked alright, but also cranked up my mind for some other things. I don't know what came first for Kathy, but I saw the Templar Knight. He was off his horse, praying. I hope he was praying for strength as he guides me through my pain, and later the near fear and debilitating news that there was no more they could do for me, surgery, chemo, radiation damn sure out. That'd kill me. So, he was there, then a few nights later, I'm doing the same thing. I find it easier to get to the "relaxation" areas of my brain when it's a little more quite. Like a hospital ward offers. So out I go and the Viking shows up, he too is looking for strength for an upcoming battle, and he asks the Hammer of The Gods to help him be brave and steadfast. From what I saw, he was. I got close, asked for some guidance, he laughed and walked away. Well, he didn't need me for a ride, so that didn't bother me. Two weeks later, we are close to going home. Seriously leaving Houston and only coming back for check ups. That's when I saw the Highlander. Same thing, asking for help to be brave and strong, no matter what happens. I can relate, I do that myself. I did have a ride, and he did accept it. He was meeting with two other men that he said I'd already met.
Sure enough, the Templar and the Viking were there. We stopped, they talked about helping guide me in my quest for relaxation and pain. And which is better for right now. I mentioned the woman and how she wouldn't sell, loan, or just give me a bite. The said that was okay. I'll have other choices down the stretch. Then it dawned on me, these guys are my guides. General Patton believed in reincarnation, why shouldn't I? They all have different attributes. The Viking is relentless in his quest to wipe my cancer out, with my help. We fight, laugh, have a couple of huge drinks, and go back at it. The Templar, he's God's right hand. He won't fight unless you feel the person he's fighting isn't from God. Then there's a problem, they Templar will hill them. The Highlander, he's honorable, brave, and a fierce fighter. He has no problem with killing what ever is killing me. So he doesn't like cancer either. He was glad that the fight was at his front door this time. I've got to find the hole it went with, go in, kill what's there, then come out the other Side. I'm a bit torn. Let him take the turn he wasn't going to take, or follow him a bit to see what I'm supposed to do, or if I'm to help him. It'll come to me.
I'd shoved all this to the back of my mind. And, foolishly, torn out the pages of Lortab schedule of which I'd been keeping track. Then thinking about what I'd written down about the three past lives of mine, I thought it best to ditch that shit too. So I did. After Kathy mentioned it a week or so back, it had been killin me trying to figure out who these guys were. Mental imagery, wishful thinking, or spot on. I chose spot on as the winner. Not because there's more to this world or the next than the eye can see, or is able to see. But because the places we've traveled, folks and I, Liz, kids, and I, me by my lonesome. At one time or another I'd catch a glimpse of one helping me look out for the stupid shit I have nearly stepped in. Sometimes two or all three, when things were going really well. But, I've lost them. The stuff I used to do to find them, finds empty space.
Liz believes they have brought me along as far as they can, that they are waiting for me. That's a possibility I can see. Since they are essentially me, at different lives I've been given, at different times in History, certainly they would be waiting. I do hope I am slated for at least one more life. And that somewhere, Liz is going to share THAT life with me as well. The really cool thing might be that Liz and I have always been together, although that's not what I picked up from the Templar or the Viking. Neither one of those lives had "wife" written in for any reason I can find. Although, the Viking was way into North America before he had to go at it alone.
Time to close this out, before the Loony Squad gets me fixed up with one of those extra long sleeved shirts with now end in them at all.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The….yeah yeah sure sure
I went to sleep after getting the restless leg mess under control with the greatest desire to sleep in and have a leisurely time just hanging out. Sitting in the spot Liz put together for me on the side of the house that's out of the wind and most harsh sunlight so I'd be comfortable. Seemed like a good plan at 2235 last night. Comes the time when the bone in the jaw decides it and the muscle/nerve join hands and make certain I have to get out of the recliner, take a shower and get a cup of joe. Yeah, the damn jaw did cry Havoc, and it did let slip the Dogs of War. It's up on me now, but I believe in a fluid battlefield. In twenty minutes or so, I'm gonna hit it again with some more Morphine, catching the nerve and muscle unaware. Boy howdy do I wish it were that simple. This is the worst the pain has been in close to two weeks. I can hear the TMJ pop and screech like I've got a bearing going out on the right side of my face and jaw. That would make sense, a lot of people think I've got a screw loose to begin with, losing a bearing seems to fit right in there with that. So, in reality there is no new pain, it's just a boost up in the same old shit that's been going on for a bit now. Liz says she sees a big change in me in the last two weeks. I could go with that. I know I've felt less like getting up and going the past two weeks. All this is expected, though.
The pain today is damn near debilitating in that if I move in certain directions it's like being slapped with a two by four. And it tends to limit my movement more than it has in the past. I suspect this is also going to continue to get worse, until it hits the point where I won't be able to drive at all. I'm okay so far, I can bear the pain to move well enough to clear the road ways both directions. And it's not painful all the time, only on days like today. The cancer is stepping up it's game, or so it seems. It's almost like it calls a time out when I get ahead of it for a week or two. Then comes back onto the field with adjustments made to offense. I don't mind though, it keeps me on my toes, working on how to stay ahead of it. Now the lovely and sensual Liz has asked to help. We, as a team, can probably stymie the cancer for a bit longer. In my foolishness of trying to protect her feelings, I'd cut Liz so far out of my life at this point, that she felt useless to me. That wasn't true, nor was it how I wanted her to feel. I've been showing her how I do the little stuff for myself, the out side things. Like staying a couple of trach tubes and collars made up ahead of time. It seems like a small thing on the outset, but that extra minute or two that it takes to put one together that's comfortable for myself can seem like an eternity. I've given her a lot more of an active role in talking with my Hospice Nurse, so she gets answers to the things that bother her. It's something I should have done from the get go, I know. But I went into "Protect Liz" mode right off the bat. It came so natural to me that I didn't realize I was making her feel like I didn't want or need her to help. That's total bullshit of course, because I do want and I do need her help and always have needed her. I hope it's as much easier for her now as it is for me. I'll be damned if having help isn't such a bad thing after all.
It's a bit amazing to me how quickly my day can change. In a matter of minutes it can go from absolute misery to being just a damn happy spot to be in, for a dying man. Some of it lies in how quickly the pain meds kick in and how long they last. If I can get myself over that initial hump, and get just a half step ahead of the pain, and being ready to hit it again if I need to kick it one more time at the soonest possible moment. That helps more than keeping a positive attitude at times. The simple act of saying "Not today, bitch", although that's an exhausting position to be in for any length of time. If it's under control, then that's a win.
On the other side of that is the day starting out being wonderful! Little to no pain, feeling like I want to get out and do something really fun. Or just take the time to read a book because those are the nice things to relax with. On the way home from dropping the kid off at school, I took a look around. Not just to see traffic, but to really LOOK. I'd been down that street, God, I can't even fathom how many times I've driven back and forth on Wadley, Midland Drive, Midkiff, crap all over Midland. And driving along thinking how NEW it all looked 21 years ago when I told Liz moving here would be a step up for us. Good lord it seemed like it took forever when it was coming along, but now if I look at it with those same eyes I used 21 years ago. It was a drop in the bucket in reality. I'm looking at the entire thing with the fresh eyes I should have used every day, just to help make it the best days of my life. And you know they were, and still are, but it would have been so much easier by using those fresh eyes of a man hoping to make his life better for his wife and family. I look out there, and wonder when the next time I see that street will be the last time.
Sure. There'll come a day that will be my last to see the sun, Liz, the kids, friends, and I'll shed these mortal coils. One day. But not today, you mother fucker. You don't get to tell me today is my last day you life sucking, worthless, sack of shit. No fucking way. Cancer gets a little piece of me today, tomorrow, next week, chipping away, not stopping, not slowing up. You do your damage, and fight your ass from one end of me to the other. There's a why, a very simple why. I've talked about dreams, they are nice. Your mind can do things, Cancer, your tool ass can't fathom. After all, you're a group of cells that's gone bat shit for growth, and that's all you will ever aspire to be. Here's what my mind sees, when it has a chance at rest, where (with a little chemical help) the pain is pounded down far enough that it gets a crystal clear picture.
I see myself, full of piss and vinegar, not willing to let anything stop me without a fight. Along with Liz by my side, Cancer is gonna win eventually, but that cowardly bastard doesn't realize that it's just the body, he doesn't get me. Liz gets me. All of me that is the best of the sum total. She got it 5 minutes after I got up off a couch in Elkhart Kansas on her birthday. I gave it to her that night. She's had it ever since that evening, at my best times, and my worst times she's held it for me, making certain it was always taken care of and given a chance to grow.
She's always had it, and didn't know it. She has my heart. It's what gives me the strength to see the next day. To want to try and share it with her, even now when it's time is growing shorter. My heart will be in a safe place, because Liz always has taken care of it.
The pain today is damn near debilitating in that if I move in certain directions it's like being slapped with a two by four. And it tends to limit my movement more than it has in the past. I suspect this is also going to continue to get worse, until it hits the point where I won't be able to drive at all. I'm okay so far, I can bear the pain to move well enough to clear the road ways both directions. And it's not painful all the time, only on days like today. The cancer is stepping up it's game, or so it seems. It's almost like it calls a time out when I get ahead of it for a week or two. Then comes back onto the field with adjustments made to offense. I don't mind though, it keeps me on my toes, working on how to stay ahead of it. Now the lovely and sensual Liz has asked to help. We, as a team, can probably stymie the cancer for a bit longer. In my foolishness of trying to protect her feelings, I'd cut Liz so far out of my life at this point, that she felt useless to me. That wasn't true, nor was it how I wanted her to feel. I've been showing her how I do the little stuff for myself, the out side things. Like staying a couple of trach tubes and collars made up ahead of time. It seems like a small thing on the outset, but that extra minute or two that it takes to put one together that's comfortable for myself can seem like an eternity. I've given her a lot more of an active role in talking with my Hospice Nurse, so she gets answers to the things that bother her. It's something I should have done from the get go, I know. But I went into "Protect Liz" mode right off the bat. It came so natural to me that I didn't realize I was making her feel like I didn't want or need her to help. That's total bullshit of course, because I do want and I do need her help and always have needed her. I hope it's as much easier for her now as it is for me. I'll be damned if having help isn't such a bad thing after all.
It's a bit amazing to me how quickly my day can change. In a matter of minutes it can go from absolute misery to being just a damn happy spot to be in, for a dying man. Some of it lies in how quickly the pain meds kick in and how long they last. If I can get myself over that initial hump, and get just a half step ahead of the pain, and being ready to hit it again if I need to kick it one more time at the soonest possible moment. That helps more than keeping a positive attitude at times. The simple act of saying "Not today, bitch", although that's an exhausting position to be in for any length of time. If it's under control, then that's a win.
On the other side of that is the day starting out being wonderful! Little to no pain, feeling like I want to get out and do something really fun. Or just take the time to read a book because those are the nice things to relax with. On the way home from dropping the kid off at school, I took a look around. Not just to see traffic, but to really LOOK. I'd been down that street, God, I can't even fathom how many times I've driven back and forth on Wadley, Midland Drive, Midkiff, crap all over Midland. And driving along thinking how NEW it all looked 21 years ago when I told Liz moving here would be a step up for us. Good lord it seemed like it took forever when it was coming along, but now if I look at it with those same eyes I used 21 years ago. It was a drop in the bucket in reality. I'm looking at the entire thing with the fresh eyes I should have used every day, just to help make it the best days of my life. And you know they were, and still are, but it would have been so much easier by using those fresh eyes of a man hoping to make his life better for his wife and family. I look out there, and wonder when the next time I see that street will be the last time.
Sure. There'll come a day that will be my last to see the sun, Liz, the kids, friends, and I'll shed these mortal coils. One day. But not today, you mother fucker. You don't get to tell me today is my last day you life sucking, worthless, sack of shit. No fucking way. Cancer gets a little piece of me today, tomorrow, next week, chipping away, not stopping, not slowing up. You do your damage, and fight your ass from one end of me to the other. There's a why, a very simple why. I've talked about dreams, they are nice. Your mind can do things, Cancer, your tool ass can't fathom. After all, you're a group of cells that's gone bat shit for growth, and that's all you will ever aspire to be. Here's what my mind sees, when it has a chance at rest, where (with a little chemical help) the pain is pounded down far enough that it gets a crystal clear picture.
I see myself, full of piss and vinegar, not willing to let anything stop me without a fight. Along with Liz by my side, Cancer is gonna win eventually, but that cowardly bastard doesn't realize that it's just the body, he doesn't get me. Liz gets me. All of me that is the best of the sum total. She got it 5 minutes after I got up off a couch in Elkhart Kansas on her birthday. I gave it to her that night. She's had it ever since that evening, at my best times, and my worst times she's held it for me, making certain it was always taken care of and given a chance to grow.
She's always had it, and didn't know it. She has my heart. It's what gives me the strength to see the next day. To want to try and share it with her, even now when it's time is growing shorter. My heart will be in a safe place, because Liz always has taken care of it.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
It's My Turn. New Shit That I Guess Happens A Lot
Liz wrote a wonderful blog that I had one hell of a time typing for you all. I had this damn wet eye problem several times when typing it for her. Of all the wonderful break throughs in medicine and science they can't seem to stop this wet eye syndrome I get reading stuff Liz has written or done for me. Well hell, what she still does for me to this day. I'm sure until the day I finally kick off, she'll be right there, as I would for her.
Anyhow, things change all the time. I'm certain that when they do everyone (okay, not everyone, because some folks are less surprised than I) probably is as shocked as I am that so many things tie together. Had I known that dying slowly would have so many complications and add ons I'd have opted for slightly faster. Not immediate, but slightly faster. That's a hard call, even with all the information I have. Normally I'd say "I wouldn't change anything, since all the things I've done, good, bad, or indifferent, made me who I am." Why would this be any different? Hard to say. So I'm just going to rough it out like I had good sense.
So, onward toward some of the new stuff. I know one of the triggers I have for an anxiety/panic attack are my legs getting achy I start to get antsy. That moves right up into "Fuck, am I not getting enough air?", and that runs it's way into "Oh FUCK!!! I'm not!!". That shit will start a hyperventilation problem I definitely do not need. I thought I could walk it out. You know, like when we were all younger and we'd feel like our legs were aching and it was probably just from lack of doing. So I'd get up, got walk around and sure enough, that was generally the problem. Or I was dehydrating. Something that's easy to do now since I'm not as active. No such luck. Over hydrate, no change. Walk, no change. So I'd panic for a bit, snag a Xanax (which pisses me off to no end, that I can't control something without medication) and that usually helped. Not today. Liz got to see me spas out. That wasn't my most shining moment, I can tell you for certain. She's not afraid to call my Hospice nurse, either. I'm not afraid, I just want to figure a way to overcome the problem without another drug. Turns out, it's drug induced and not unusual. It's the combination of Morphine and Fentanyl that causes it. I wasn't expecting to see my nurse until tomorrow, so I was about half zonked when he showed up. My Pop used to be able to take himself completely away from pain. I can to an extent, not like the old man could, but well enough 99% of the time I can get over it. Not so with the cancer, I can't get that far way. And that's how I was when the nurse showed up. About half gone. So, we've traded a Xanax pill for Valium sublingual liquid. Tastes like shit, does it's job. I ain't gonna complain.
I've never had a problem with coping with pain. But I'm here to tell ya, this shit kicks my narrow white ass right into the ground. It's because it never lets up, it doesn't take a breath even. Wicked assed shit. Going up 50ml on the Fentanyl patch worked really well. It's even taken the bone pain in my jaw out. That's fucking impressive. It's cut down on my morphine use to once or twice a day, when it had been running six to eight times a day, and not sleeping. I still have occasional insomnia, but that's mostly from boredom and sleeping too long during the day. Not too annoying, but somewhat a pain in the ass. I can still take the son to school, drive to get coffee and to and from therapy. And maybe this week, out to the office to say high to everyone Wednesday. That's going to become too difficult for me to do in the next two or three weeks, I believe, maybe a bit sooner than that. It's starting to affect my depth perception and my head rotation is getting smaller. Some of that is from fluid retention, 90% of it is cancer moving in and increasing it's hold on my neck and head. I feel it, I see it, and I believe a lot of people do as well. Just from their expressions. Shit, my lower lip on the right side is getting fatter. I haven't had that problem since the last time some dork jacked my mouth. That, boys and girls, is another story all to itself. One you won't get to read about either. That's one of those things I said when I started this blog that I just wouldn't discuss. Suffice it to say, the jack ass deserved what he got, and I hope he walks okay.
I can see myself slipping, and Liz made the mistake of showing her text message to my Hospice nurse, where she mentioned what I was going through, and that she can see I've slipped a long way in the last two weeks. She's correct, but I didn't think she'd notice. For crying out loud I was doing my best not to let her see that, dammit. I have dropped off a quite a bit in the last two weeks. I seem to do this weird, at least in my mind. I'll trip, slide down the rabbit hole a bit, then flatten out for a while. Damn weird to me, or it might be that I just notice later since the changes happen to me and I'm a bit too close to see the changes as they come along. We'll just wait and see, won't we?
I've been slack the last couple of weeks doing up the blog. There's been quite a bit go on, and there are somethings I can't share, or won't share because those are family things. I love you all that follow this blog, but baby, somethings gotta stay with me and Liz, and aren't for public consumption. Some of it is probably a good thing, not all, but some of it. I know that Liz and I are talking more, and being more open with each other. I had kept my mouth shut hoping to save her from being hurt or frightened. Mostly what I did was hurt her feelings because I wasn't opening up to her. I didn't let her help me do anything, because, in my mind, that was saving her from the nasty shit that I have to do on a daily basis. I should have known better. What I was doing was making her feel helpless and useless to me, when the opposite was the truth. As a rule I'm not a stupid man, I don't think, but I didn't ever in my wildest dreams want Liz to ever feel useless to me, or herself. What I did was close off the one direction she could get close to me. How foolish and short sighted was that? I was unintentionally hurting the one person in my life that's been my life. Kids, all of you are part of why I get up in the morning, you always have a big chunk of my heart. Liz owns the entire thing though, you guys have to share with her. I hope that's alright with you.
I've been slacking as well for what's probably going to sound silly to some of you, some of you may see it as part of me being me. For better or worse, this is why. I got spooked. For the first time in my life I was really frightened. I don't mean startled, I mean shit your britches scared. I've never had that feeling, not ever. I've been anxious a few times, but not to the point of being scared. I just never had time for that. So, when that happened for the first time, there was no way in hell I was going to let it get out. Reasons? Silly. I didn't want people to find me weak. Or weak in spirit. Or lacking in fortitude. Hundreds of reasons why I didn't want people to know. After all, I started this blog so people could learn how NOT to be afraid of the end. What the fuck, now I'm being a hypocrite. Those were my thoughts. What I didn't take into account, what how little the time was that I was truly scared. Not long at all, in reality, an afternoon.
This is what happened. I had a coughing fit that shut down everything. I couldn't catch a breath. I was coughing so hard it was making me dizzy and causing me black spots. I was almost over the problem when it hit me that I was afraid! I was truly scared I was going to cough myself to death, and there wouldn't be anyone around. It's not like I wanted an audience, and still don't, but on that day, in that moment, being alone scared the fucking shit right out of me. Now I'm back to about normal. Having to learn how to deal with the anxiety that in itself can be debilitating. Same thing with a panic attack. I use less medication than I did, though, so I figured out part of what the deal was, and how to work around that. Liz saw me be fruit cake fucked up this afternoon, and did something I normally wouldn't have done. She called my Hospice nurse right away. Because she's seen people who have this restless leg syndrome go from bouncy legs straight into anxiety/panic attack. So she was thinking ahead, where as I was going to bring it up when the nurse did the home visit. In about half an hour, I've got to start getting my shit together for my day. If I get a jump on a shower, meds, and clothed. I might be able to sneak in a feeding and maybe a coffee with the boys. Come home, take a nap, take the boy to school, and then go have a cup with my oldest daughter
As you can see, my life isn't really all that shitty. I picked a damn fine bunch of people to have for family. They truly are my rock and salvation. They make me be more than I probably would be on my own. They are the joy in my life, and the worry at the same time.
Being so fortunate to have so many supportive friends. It amazes me that I am so blessed in so many ways. I've done something right, somewhere, some time. I've been told many times how much I'd helped people in the past, when all I remember was just talking and having a good time. Thank all of you, for being yourselves. You've never failed to tell me when I was screwin the pooch, and you all have been great about praise when I earned it.
Now, it's time to put together my daily self. You'd think with so many pieces of me missing you'd think that would only be 10 or fifteen minutes. But nooooo, let's not do it easy. Takes me almost an hour to two hours to get my ass ready in the morning. But by God it's my time and I'll take it! HA
Hugs and all that mushy stuff. Y'all be good, hear?
Anyhow, things change all the time. I'm certain that when they do everyone (okay, not everyone, because some folks are less surprised than I) probably is as shocked as I am that so many things tie together. Had I known that dying slowly would have so many complications and add ons I'd have opted for slightly faster. Not immediate, but slightly faster. That's a hard call, even with all the information I have. Normally I'd say "I wouldn't change anything, since all the things I've done, good, bad, or indifferent, made me who I am." Why would this be any different? Hard to say. So I'm just going to rough it out like I had good sense.
So, onward toward some of the new stuff. I know one of the triggers I have for an anxiety/panic attack are my legs getting achy I start to get antsy. That moves right up into "Fuck, am I not getting enough air?", and that runs it's way into "Oh FUCK!!! I'm not!!". That shit will start a hyperventilation problem I definitely do not need. I thought I could walk it out. You know, like when we were all younger and we'd feel like our legs were aching and it was probably just from lack of doing. So I'd get up, got walk around and sure enough, that was generally the problem. Or I was dehydrating. Something that's easy to do now since I'm not as active. No such luck. Over hydrate, no change. Walk, no change. So I'd panic for a bit, snag a Xanax (which pisses me off to no end, that I can't control something without medication) and that usually helped. Not today. Liz got to see me spas out. That wasn't my most shining moment, I can tell you for certain. She's not afraid to call my Hospice nurse, either. I'm not afraid, I just want to figure a way to overcome the problem without another drug. Turns out, it's drug induced and not unusual. It's the combination of Morphine and Fentanyl that causes it. I wasn't expecting to see my nurse until tomorrow, so I was about half zonked when he showed up. My Pop used to be able to take himself completely away from pain. I can to an extent, not like the old man could, but well enough 99% of the time I can get over it. Not so with the cancer, I can't get that far way. And that's how I was when the nurse showed up. About half gone. So, we've traded a Xanax pill for Valium sublingual liquid. Tastes like shit, does it's job. I ain't gonna complain.
I've never had a problem with coping with pain. But I'm here to tell ya, this shit kicks my narrow white ass right into the ground. It's because it never lets up, it doesn't take a breath even. Wicked assed shit. Going up 50ml on the Fentanyl patch worked really well. It's even taken the bone pain in my jaw out. That's fucking impressive. It's cut down on my morphine use to once or twice a day, when it had been running six to eight times a day, and not sleeping. I still have occasional insomnia, but that's mostly from boredom and sleeping too long during the day. Not too annoying, but somewhat a pain in the ass. I can still take the son to school, drive to get coffee and to and from therapy. And maybe this week, out to the office to say high to everyone Wednesday. That's going to become too difficult for me to do in the next two or three weeks, I believe, maybe a bit sooner than that. It's starting to affect my depth perception and my head rotation is getting smaller. Some of that is from fluid retention, 90% of it is cancer moving in and increasing it's hold on my neck and head. I feel it, I see it, and I believe a lot of people do as well. Just from their expressions. Shit, my lower lip on the right side is getting fatter. I haven't had that problem since the last time some dork jacked my mouth. That, boys and girls, is another story all to itself. One you won't get to read about either. That's one of those things I said when I started this blog that I just wouldn't discuss. Suffice it to say, the jack ass deserved what he got, and I hope he walks okay.
I can see myself slipping, and Liz made the mistake of showing her text message to my Hospice nurse, where she mentioned what I was going through, and that she can see I've slipped a long way in the last two weeks. She's correct, but I didn't think she'd notice. For crying out loud I was doing my best not to let her see that, dammit. I have dropped off a quite a bit in the last two weeks. I seem to do this weird, at least in my mind. I'll trip, slide down the rabbit hole a bit, then flatten out for a while. Damn weird to me, or it might be that I just notice later since the changes happen to me and I'm a bit too close to see the changes as they come along. We'll just wait and see, won't we?
I've been slack the last couple of weeks doing up the blog. There's been quite a bit go on, and there are somethings I can't share, or won't share because those are family things. I love you all that follow this blog, but baby, somethings gotta stay with me and Liz, and aren't for public consumption. Some of it is probably a good thing, not all, but some of it. I know that Liz and I are talking more, and being more open with each other. I had kept my mouth shut hoping to save her from being hurt or frightened. Mostly what I did was hurt her feelings because I wasn't opening up to her. I didn't let her help me do anything, because, in my mind, that was saving her from the nasty shit that I have to do on a daily basis. I should have known better. What I was doing was making her feel helpless and useless to me, when the opposite was the truth. As a rule I'm not a stupid man, I don't think, but I didn't ever in my wildest dreams want Liz to ever feel useless to me, or herself. What I did was close off the one direction she could get close to me. How foolish and short sighted was that? I was unintentionally hurting the one person in my life that's been my life. Kids, all of you are part of why I get up in the morning, you always have a big chunk of my heart. Liz owns the entire thing though, you guys have to share with her. I hope that's alright with you.
I've been slacking as well for what's probably going to sound silly to some of you, some of you may see it as part of me being me. For better or worse, this is why. I got spooked. For the first time in my life I was really frightened. I don't mean startled, I mean shit your britches scared. I've never had that feeling, not ever. I've been anxious a few times, but not to the point of being scared. I just never had time for that. So, when that happened for the first time, there was no way in hell I was going to let it get out. Reasons? Silly. I didn't want people to find me weak. Or weak in spirit. Or lacking in fortitude. Hundreds of reasons why I didn't want people to know. After all, I started this blog so people could learn how NOT to be afraid of the end. What the fuck, now I'm being a hypocrite. Those were my thoughts. What I didn't take into account, what how little the time was that I was truly scared. Not long at all, in reality, an afternoon.
This is what happened. I had a coughing fit that shut down everything. I couldn't catch a breath. I was coughing so hard it was making me dizzy and causing me black spots. I was almost over the problem when it hit me that I was afraid! I was truly scared I was going to cough myself to death, and there wouldn't be anyone around. It's not like I wanted an audience, and still don't, but on that day, in that moment, being alone scared the fucking shit right out of me. Now I'm back to about normal. Having to learn how to deal with the anxiety that in itself can be debilitating. Same thing with a panic attack. I use less medication than I did, though, so I figured out part of what the deal was, and how to work around that. Liz saw me be fruit cake fucked up this afternoon, and did something I normally wouldn't have done. She called my Hospice nurse right away. Because she's seen people who have this restless leg syndrome go from bouncy legs straight into anxiety/panic attack. So she was thinking ahead, where as I was going to bring it up when the nurse did the home visit. In about half an hour, I've got to start getting my shit together for my day. If I get a jump on a shower, meds, and clothed. I might be able to sneak in a feeding and maybe a coffee with the boys. Come home, take a nap, take the boy to school, and then go have a cup with my oldest daughter
As you can see, my life isn't really all that shitty. I picked a damn fine bunch of people to have for family. They truly are my rock and salvation. They make me be more than I probably would be on my own. They are the joy in my life, and the worry at the same time.
Being so fortunate to have so many supportive friends. It amazes me that I am so blessed in so many ways. I've done something right, somewhere, some time. I've been told many times how much I'd helped people in the past, when all I remember was just talking and having a good time. Thank all of you, for being yourselves. You've never failed to tell me when I was screwin the pooch, and you all have been great about praise when I earned it.
Now, it's time to put together my daily self. You'd think with so many pieces of me missing you'd think that would only be 10 or fifteen minutes. But nooooo, let's not do it easy. Takes me almost an hour to two hours to get my ass ready in the morning. But by God it's my time and I'll take it! HA
Hugs and all that mushy stuff. Y'all be good, hear?
Monday, February 17, 2014
Liz Cook Smith, In Her Own Words
Liz gets her shot on the blog. I've been telling her she needs to write one. This is what she gave me. I have trouble keeping my eyes dry. It's all her today. The next lines are all hers. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have, I am just her typist today.
I know some of you are wondering why I don't put any comments on Roc's blog. So here is my "comment".
I met-or saw him at the tiny laundry mat in Elkhart, Kansas, and I thought "oh great, a cute guy and his two kids, hmmmm", and that was it. A few months later I had a note on my little Fiero (cuz that's what us cool single chicks drove in the late 80's) "Would your consider going to the movie with me?" with his name and phone number. What the hell did I have to lose? I can even tell you the first movie we went to see together "Shattered" with Tom Berringer. (I had the total hots for him back then).
That was the beginning of what changed and saved my life!
Then I met his parents. They were to most amazing couple! I thought to myself, "I want a marriage just like that!". Lo and behold, I did!
Not only did I gain a mother and father in-law, I also inherited tow wonderful kids that were so full of life and gratitude that someone else could love them, and were owing and will to love me back. I gained and brother and sister that are something else. No one was scared to say anything in that family. We were married September 12, 1992. What a wonderful, hot fall day in Neodesha, Kansas, and love surrounded us both.
We welcomed Addison Gates into our family 8-9-96 with no complications. It was also the hottest summer on record in Midland, Texas, where we also resided. We were a good family, had our ups and downs, but nothing extreme.
Ooops! Declan arrived (our pill baby) but we'd not give him back. He is a wonderful son, just like all the other kids.
Chance wanted to life with his mother in Lubbock. I was hard on Rocky to accept, because of the whole situation, but being the kind of father he was, it was "Ok". I could tell there it bothered him to an extent. Over the years Chance has grown to become an extremely hand and reliable individual. Finding a woman that loves him as the great human being that his. He has welcomed her son as his own, just as I did with with him and his sister when Rocky and I were married..
Sarah is the oldest, who gave up her life and career to stay with us she we received our devastating news. She to is a mother that works hard, and has accepted me as her mom. I always stand tall when she tells that to others. I just hope some day she find some one just like her dad.
Addison is our quiet one. Very artistic, very soft spoken. She doesn't like to ruffle feathers, but loves her family to no end. She helps me to be me, to be mom and always looks to me when she is in "?" mode.
Declan, hmmmm…is growing to be a kind young man with lots of potential. I really hope he turns out like his father.
We were good til 2008, and you all know that story so I won't dwell on it. Again in 2012-13, and you all know that story as well.
My time is to help Roc live what time he has left and to overcome the hard times, the good times, and remember our life before this happened. Of course we have our difficult moments..we get angry and frustrated at each other, but we work our way through it. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?
I don't comment on his blogs honestly because I simply cannot finish reading them, and when and if I do, I'm in total awe at what he has written, that I am speechless. I'm so speechless I can't think of anything to say.
I don't want to end this on a sad note. Just know that any of you that know my husband, knows he is a virtuous man. I miss his voice, I miss his strength, and I miss the man that held me up when I was/am down.
On our second date, my 25th birthday party put on by my sisters in Elkhart, Ks. Remember? "So, what are your plans with Liz?"
(Rock here. Second date, Liz went to the bathroom. Her buds sat me on the couch, actually put a lamp in my face and asked that. I said "I plan to take her home, and make sure she's okay before I go home to bed." No, dumb ass, long term plans! "OH!! Well, she's cool. I'd like to spend a lot more time with her. Not just a bump this weekend then nothing. Maybe marry her". They seemed to accept that plan. Yes, I married her. Best decision I've ever made, on a tie with working to get custody of my kids. One is a part of me, the other makes me what I can be, every day of my life. Y'all figure out which is which. Now back to Liz)
Hugs and Shit
I know some of you are wondering why I don't put any comments on Roc's blog. So here is my "comment".
I met-or saw him at the tiny laundry mat in Elkhart, Kansas, and I thought "oh great, a cute guy and his two kids, hmmmm", and that was it. A few months later I had a note on my little Fiero (cuz that's what us cool single chicks drove in the late 80's) "Would your consider going to the movie with me?" with his name and phone number. What the hell did I have to lose? I can even tell you the first movie we went to see together "Shattered" with Tom Berringer. (I had the total hots for him back then).
That was the beginning of what changed and saved my life!
Then I met his parents. They were to most amazing couple! I thought to myself, "I want a marriage just like that!". Lo and behold, I did!
Not only did I gain a mother and father in-law, I also inherited tow wonderful kids that were so full of life and gratitude that someone else could love them, and were owing and will to love me back. I gained and brother and sister that are something else. No one was scared to say anything in that family. We were married September 12, 1992. What a wonderful, hot fall day in Neodesha, Kansas, and love surrounded us both.
We welcomed Addison Gates into our family 8-9-96 with no complications. It was also the hottest summer on record in Midland, Texas, where we also resided. We were a good family, had our ups and downs, but nothing extreme.
Ooops! Declan arrived (our pill baby) but we'd not give him back. He is a wonderful son, just like all the other kids.
Chance wanted to life with his mother in Lubbock. I was hard on Rocky to accept, because of the whole situation, but being the kind of father he was, it was "Ok". I could tell there it bothered him to an extent. Over the years Chance has grown to become an extremely hand and reliable individual. Finding a woman that loves him as the great human being that his. He has welcomed her son as his own, just as I did with with him and his sister when Rocky and I were married..
Sarah is the oldest, who gave up her life and career to stay with us she we received our devastating news. She to is a mother that works hard, and has accepted me as her mom. I always stand tall when she tells that to others. I just hope some day she find some one just like her dad.
Addison is our quiet one. Very artistic, very soft spoken. She doesn't like to ruffle feathers, but loves her family to no end. She helps me to be me, to be mom and always looks to me when she is in "?" mode.
Declan, hmmmm…is growing to be a kind young man with lots of potential. I really hope he turns out like his father.
We were good til 2008, and you all know that story so I won't dwell on it. Again in 2012-13, and you all know that story as well.
My time is to help Roc live what time he has left and to overcome the hard times, the good times, and remember our life before this happened. Of course we have our difficult moments..we get angry and frustrated at each other, but we work our way through it. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?
I don't comment on his blogs honestly because I simply cannot finish reading them, and when and if I do, I'm in total awe at what he has written, that I am speechless. I'm so speechless I can't think of anything to say.
I don't want to end this on a sad note. Just know that any of you that know my husband, knows he is a virtuous man. I miss his voice, I miss his strength, and I miss the man that held me up when I was/am down.
On our second date, my 25th birthday party put on by my sisters in Elkhart, Ks. Remember? "So, what are your plans with Liz?"
(Rock here. Second date, Liz went to the bathroom. Her buds sat me on the couch, actually put a lamp in my face and asked that. I said "I plan to take her home, and make sure she's okay before I go home to bed." No, dumb ass, long term plans! "OH!! Well, she's cool. I'd like to spend a lot more time with her. Not just a bump this weekend then nothing. Maybe marry her". They seemed to accept that plan. Yes, I married her. Best decision I've ever made, on a tie with working to get custody of my kids. One is a part of me, the other makes me what I can be, every day of my life. Y'all figure out which is which. Now back to Liz)
Hugs and Shit
Sunday, February 16, 2014
I've Had More Fun
Ive had more fun than I should have, just not lately. I can't keep my eyes open to save my life. I get up, I do the feed bag thing, I rinse the bag and PEG line. I set down, and out go the lights. Christ it's annoying. No, annoying is only close to what is bothersome. The fact that I can't stay awake is costing me family time. The only thing I really hold dearly and it's getting away from me, time with my family. If I'm not asleep, I need help with something, or I'm being tired, or grouchy, or all of it at one time. I'm having panic problems. Fuck, I've never been afraid of anything to PANIC over. What the Fuck is this noise, then? The damn anxiety/panic attacks have got to fucking stop and I mean right fucking now. I feel like I don't have enough time the way it is to panic.
Liz is my greatest help, my one true friend, my anchor and my sun. So for her, I've got to get the hardness back in me, so she can deal with whatever else comes along. She says "For better or worse, sickness and in health! Because I love you!" Yep, she does, and I love her more than anything on earth. She says she wants to know how to help me. I'd love to show her how, but I can't unless I can keep my head glued on straight. Anxiety and panic attacks are not glued on right. I can't help her unless I find why I have them. what's bring them on and learning to shut down that damn life sucking bastards long enough to teach Liz how to take care of me. Liz needs to take care of herself, first. There are things we talked about that she just can't afford to do, all the insurance is going to go to help her out, the grown kids have to learn to make their own way just like Liz and I did ours. They can all do it, because I gave them the tools, they just need to sort out which tools work for then and they'll become the bigger successes than even I believe they can be at this point. They are all already better persons at their age than I was mine. All I knew was how to fight and win. I didn't see the long term consequences like my kids see. A man in his moment. That was the best I could do. Not what should be our goal as men and leaders "A man in his moment, looking to the future". That makes us the real men, Bell, Edison, Tesla, Goddard, Einstein. Every one of those men in their moment, with eyes to the future. No, I don't think I'll ever possess that kind of genius, few of us ever do. All I want for my kids is to be the kind of people that see that moment, be in that moment, and see the future they can create in their moment. All four of them can do that right now, they've got the jump on the old man.
I've had more fun. All of it is in that second paragraph. I've had my moments. More than a few, but I didn't look past them. All I could see was what a good job I'd done, not the ability to teach others how to do something equally as easily. It started to come to me, about the year before I got ill. It was the first time someone said anything remotely to what I always thought, and I thought he was bull shitting me. But I promised him I'd give it a try. My Boss at the Spraberry Aldwell Unit looked at me, serious as a broke leg, "Rocky, you're these guys leader. I can tell them what I want out of them, give them all the reasons it's good for the company, and good for them. They believe you. You're able to work with them when I can't because I'm tied up behind this desk. You're their leader. Fucking act like it". First time I ever took that to heart. So I tried. I hope like hell I did, and I was effective. That was the fifth or sixth time I was in my moment, and this time I did see the future. I hope I was up to the task.
This one is really short. I'm having hell staying awake. Meds, cancer, late nights, they are catching me finally.
Maybe something different tonight or tomorrow
Liz is my greatest help, my one true friend, my anchor and my sun. So for her, I've got to get the hardness back in me, so she can deal with whatever else comes along. She says "For better or worse, sickness and in health! Because I love you!" Yep, she does, and I love her more than anything on earth. She says she wants to know how to help me. I'd love to show her how, but I can't unless I can keep my head glued on straight. Anxiety and panic attacks are not glued on right. I can't help her unless I find why I have them. what's bring them on and learning to shut down that damn life sucking bastards long enough to teach Liz how to take care of me. Liz needs to take care of herself, first. There are things we talked about that she just can't afford to do, all the insurance is going to go to help her out, the grown kids have to learn to make their own way just like Liz and I did ours. They can all do it, because I gave them the tools, they just need to sort out which tools work for then and they'll become the bigger successes than even I believe they can be at this point. They are all already better persons at their age than I was mine. All I knew was how to fight and win. I didn't see the long term consequences like my kids see. A man in his moment. That was the best I could do. Not what should be our goal as men and leaders "A man in his moment, looking to the future". That makes us the real men, Bell, Edison, Tesla, Goddard, Einstein. Every one of those men in their moment, with eyes to the future. No, I don't think I'll ever possess that kind of genius, few of us ever do. All I want for my kids is to be the kind of people that see that moment, be in that moment, and see the future they can create in their moment. All four of them can do that right now, they've got the jump on the old man.
I've had more fun. All of it is in that second paragraph. I've had my moments. More than a few, but I didn't look past them. All I could see was what a good job I'd done, not the ability to teach others how to do something equally as easily. It started to come to me, about the year before I got ill. It was the first time someone said anything remotely to what I always thought, and I thought he was bull shitting me. But I promised him I'd give it a try. My Boss at the Spraberry Aldwell Unit looked at me, serious as a broke leg, "Rocky, you're these guys leader. I can tell them what I want out of them, give them all the reasons it's good for the company, and good for them. They believe you. You're able to work with them when I can't because I'm tied up behind this desk. You're their leader. Fucking act like it". First time I ever took that to heart. So I tried. I hope like hell I did, and I was effective. That was the fifth or sixth time I was in my moment, and this time I did see the future. I hope I was up to the task.
This one is really short. I'm having hell staying awake. Meds, cancer, late nights, they are catching me finally.
Maybe something different tonight or tomorrow
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Well I'll Be
I've not posted in a while, and there are a couple of reasons for that. One I'll talk some about, the other falls into my Priority Holding Area, also known as "Nun ya". "Nun ya?" you say. Why yes, that's short for "Its none ya fuckin business." So, I'll bail right in.
I've been a bit busy fighting some personal demons called "What the fuck, I'm fairly useless" and "Fuck it, do what ya want, I don't give a fuck". The first one is self defeating, and some sociology or social behavior expert will say that I'm depressed. Got no fucking idea why I might get down in the dumps from time to time. Cancer is killing me, and there are days I don't think it's getting the job done quite fast enough. Jimmy Dean Witzke says his pain is far worse than mine because it's always and he is either drugged up so much with his prescription drugs he's zombied out, which I understand. Or that he is in pain all the time. He was nearly killed in a motorcycle/'car accident and nearly killed. I can sympathize with him on that end for certain. I've got nerve shit going on with what's left of my jaw. So yeah, I can be zombie like from the quick help meds of morphine or Lortab, or go on hurting. I've got it in so many places that I take the Morphine. It helps on me. It does one of two things, though. Knocks the piss out of me and I sleep, or knocks the pain down to a dull roar. The second suits me, because I've knee, jaw, and shoulder pain all wrapped around a dab of that drug, so a dull roar is basically what it was like before I got cancer and was given Morphine to control it. Works well for me, and being the selfish bastard I am, I don't care if it worked for you or not. Morphine is an old school drug. There are many out there that are as good if not better than opiates to control pain. If the stuff I'm on now wasn't doing the job, I'd raise hell with the people treating me, until we did find something that worked without putting me off in Zombie land. But, since I'm unable to work, not from the drugs, but from the nature of my surgery, and the fact that the cancer is sucking my strength off to feed itself, I guess I don't mind being Zombie like.
That is the first "Well I'll Be" moment. Well I'll be, my wife and I have to take care of ourselves. She won't back down until something that works is found. She didn't stop until things were right with my PT after not getting calls to my Doc in Houston returned so I could get on some PT, she worked her ass off. I e-mailed until I could barely write. But we got it done. Well I'll Be, we did it ourselves and didn't have to have help. How the fuck was that possible? The help we did get was through Patient Advocacy, but we didn't do it by pissing about "well I got it worse!". I'll admit, I was pissed and I stepped into that pile of shit, I will not do that again. I'm not particularly in the best of moods. My behavior toward everyone including family has been pretty pitiful and I'm working on fixing that. The "Well I'll Be" study of this portion of today's blog should be along the lines of "A Pissing Contest To See Who Has It Worst". That's what it boils down to in a lot of online and real world conversations. There's nothing I like better than having a person I know and talked with some before I got cancer, ask me how I'm doing. I write the note explaining the good and bad, and after it's read get the "wow, I've had pain like that only in my asshole since my head slipped up there 4 months ago. And I hurt my shoulder doing "Reach the Remote First" competition from the couch. And face it, man, we are all dying every day." Well I'll Be, I didn't know I had it so good! Thanks!! At which time I make a mental note reminding myself that it would be illegal for me to split them up the middle with my KBar. But not illegal to just blow them off when I see them and end up hearing "That fucker quit talking to me just because I had more aches and pains than he did, all he's got is cancer". (honest to God, that happened. I was laughing my ass off at his buddy's expression)
The second "Well I'll Be" moment of realization is this: Sometimes I'm not clear when I write things out. That's true, looking at some of the stuff I've written, and I'll be working on fixing that little problem. I get a lot of quizzical looks, since a spoken conversation can move on to different topics and in different directions at a moments notice. So, I've written something out as fast as I can, handed it to someone closest the center of the group, then have them look at me almost cross eyed. They had it back, I look at what I've written and it appears that it says "Dingle hims! Mombo be dog faced in banana patch!" Well I'll be, that's not what I wrote at all, at least that's not what my noggin saw me putting down. Yet there it is, FUBAR. So what I've done is sit and listen. I'll nod my head, or shake my head, and not do a thing unless someone asks me a question. When they do that, I know they are going to wait for an answer. Since I'm writing as fast as I can, I'm hoping with beyond hope that it's decipherable and not something goofy like "Any youse wimps wants to Mambo?" So yeah, that's led to a lot of misunderstandings in a lot of places and has left me more than just a little disappointed in myself. I'll be working on that as well. Seems like there are a lot of things I need to work upon don't I? Well, in reality these are things I should have been working on year round. Just like I did tonight. I worked on my communication skills at work constantly, both written and verbal because it was a requirement for my position. Since the cancer took the job, there's no reason when I can't continue that here, in the lap of luxury. I will keep all of you apprised of the progress along the written communication skills improvement (hopeful improvement, practicing and having the written skill further deteriorate would be a shame).
I will call this section "Oh Fuck It". It's what I'm going to use as a parameter for making certain I'm doing what I should to get myself back to the point that I'm more optimistic, having something to help other folks to better understand why or what I'm having for feelings. Mental and physical afflictions as I go along Terminal Velocity Hghwy strait toward Critical Mass Eternal Parking Lot.
Let's begin with a person's belief system. To me that falls under the heading "None Ya". It's a very personal thing with me, and it's supposed to be with everyone. "Oh Fuck It". I don't care what you believe, Christianity, Buddhism, Muslim, Atheist, I don't care. If someone asks for prayers for someone else, of course I will. Same thing with asking for good thoughts, you bet. Do I want to have a protracted discussion and asked over and over what I believe. Fuck no I do not. I know several truly Godly people and families. They help me quite a lot. We don't discuss my beliefs, they have asked me if I minded being put on their prayer list. Of course not. I consider them very good friends, and respected the family while I was in HS. Good people, living what they believe. I didn't ask before, I just let that topic go until someone started to argue, and lately that has been me. We will no longer do that. That will, once again, be one of the few Taboo Questions to ask. The others are about Family, Income, or pretty much anything I don't want to talk about, simply because they fall under the ever expanding cloud of "None Ya".
At the moment, I'm worn down to a fucking frazzled end. I've got about 11billion nerves so there's not possible chance that someone won't get on one with very little notice. I'll be an ass hat and speak mean and hateful language, because when I'm in that state that's how I operate. I'm dog tired. Really tired of being tired. When in reality I'm really tired. That state does open up the nerves for me, and I can get plain dog dirt mean about it. I don't like a lot of people when I'm tired and hurt, mostly I don't care much for myself and I rub that off onto people to see how well it sticks with them too. When it does stick, and everyone around me is as miserable as I am, boy!, that's a good place to be…..right? WRONG! I am going to halve to work really diligently not to let this tired, raw nerved me out of hiding. I really have to just kick it's ass and either cage it up like I try to do Cap'n Temper then pitch it in the trash a couple blocks away some unsuspecting dumpster diver take it away with them. (it's sneaky. The slippery little devil will attach itself to you without you even noticing.
As you frequent readers will have noticed, this isn't the most upbeat blog I've had in a while. The way things are working for me now, I'm having to either give some MORE stuff I like to do, or find a to work around those. The options for working around things are narrowing daily. Some things I found some real pleasure in are no longer going to be part of my "good days" set of toys. But the one of those that bugs me worse than any of them is cooking. I really enjoyed cooking, but I believe I've spun my last tiny culinary web. I'm far too sensitive right now about how I see what I'm doing being good or bad. I get too stupid with some of the little things, and cooking is one of the little things. It should have bothered me more when I could chew, swallow, and enjoy the full flavor of what I was burnin on the stove, oven, or grill. I can't let that drag down my "Good Days" for now good reason. People eat around here all the time, I know this to be true, I was once one of them. (secret: when I was really training hard in 2008, I ran into eating between 4500 and 5000 calories a day). I "eat" four times a day now, back in the ever popular Osmolite 1.5 Caravan of Delicious You'll Never Taste it Unless You Puke it canned goodness. Yum
Well, enough of that stuff.
A couple of years ago I tore a bicep tendon off of my arm. The bicep ended up in my armpit, my forearm looked normal, but my Upper arm looked way small, hence "Popeye Arm". So, I went to Scarby and helped out. Went to Arlington and judged a couple of days. It was here that I did something I never would have done had I not been missing throwing every day. They moved the throwing area a couple of times for the AD, and suddenly, not like a couple months ahead of time, but that day. So, me and the AD's brother are bringing some weights back. I grab the 56# Weight over bar implement and we dug out. Behind me I hear this drunk douche bag having his way running off at the head about the guys in skirts. I had a kilt, and had just gotten my splint off my arm and the AD's brother was with me carrying the 42#. I sent him on ahead, acted like I was winded, and set the 56# down. The loud mouth, his pretty pissed off buddy and girl friend caught up. It went kinda like this (loud mouth had on Nike running shoes). "Damn, this thing got heavy fast!" I say. Loud mouth "It can't weigh that much, it's not very big". "That's true, but it's solid, it's not hollow" Me. "I'll bet I can carry down to where you guys are, and I don't have to wear a skirt". "Okay", says me, "let me hand it to you". I picked it almost shoulder high in front of me and told him to get braced up because I was about to drop it. That was no lie, I did drop it. On his foot, and in immediate retrospect I thought, Holy Fuck! I might have broken his foot!!! He wasn't even yelling when I picked the weight up and said "Sometimes, bud, the guy in the kilt wins against the guy that's all mouth." Everyone giggled but the guy, he said something about kicking my ass and I said something back over my shoulder like "not with that foot" or something along those lines. On my way back I kept trying to think of ways to tell the AD what I'd done. I couldn't decide, so I said nothing. Well, until today
Have fun all the time even if you're panicked out. make it fun
I've been a bit busy fighting some personal demons called "What the fuck, I'm fairly useless" and "Fuck it, do what ya want, I don't give a fuck". The first one is self defeating, and some sociology or social behavior expert will say that I'm depressed. Got no fucking idea why I might get down in the dumps from time to time. Cancer is killing me, and there are days I don't think it's getting the job done quite fast enough. Jimmy Dean Witzke says his pain is far worse than mine because it's always and he is either drugged up so much with his prescription drugs he's zombied out, which I understand. Or that he is in pain all the time. He was nearly killed in a motorcycle/'car accident and nearly killed. I can sympathize with him on that end for certain. I've got nerve shit going on with what's left of my jaw. So yeah, I can be zombie like from the quick help meds of morphine or Lortab, or go on hurting. I've got it in so many places that I take the Morphine. It helps on me. It does one of two things, though. Knocks the piss out of me and I sleep, or knocks the pain down to a dull roar. The second suits me, because I've knee, jaw, and shoulder pain all wrapped around a dab of that drug, so a dull roar is basically what it was like before I got cancer and was given Morphine to control it. Works well for me, and being the selfish bastard I am, I don't care if it worked for you or not. Morphine is an old school drug. There are many out there that are as good if not better than opiates to control pain. If the stuff I'm on now wasn't doing the job, I'd raise hell with the people treating me, until we did find something that worked without putting me off in Zombie land. But, since I'm unable to work, not from the drugs, but from the nature of my surgery, and the fact that the cancer is sucking my strength off to feed itself, I guess I don't mind being Zombie like.
That is the first "Well I'll Be" moment. Well I'll be, my wife and I have to take care of ourselves. She won't back down until something that works is found. She didn't stop until things were right with my PT after not getting calls to my Doc in Houston returned so I could get on some PT, she worked her ass off. I e-mailed until I could barely write. But we got it done. Well I'll Be, we did it ourselves and didn't have to have help. How the fuck was that possible? The help we did get was through Patient Advocacy, but we didn't do it by pissing about "well I got it worse!". I'll admit, I was pissed and I stepped into that pile of shit, I will not do that again. I'm not particularly in the best of moods. My behavior toward everyone including family has been pretty pitiful and I'm working on fixing that. The "Well I'll Be" study of this portion of today's blog should be along the lines of "A Pissing Contest To See Who Has It Worst". That's what it boils down to in a lot of online and real world conversations. There's nothing I like better than having a person I know and talked with some before I got cancer, ask me how I'm doing. I write the note explaining the good and bad, and after it's read get the "wow, I've had pain like that only in my asshole since my head slipped up there 4 months ago. And I hurt my shoulder doing "Reach the Remote First" competition from the couch. And face it, man, we are all dying every day." Well I'll Be, I didn't know I had it so good! Thanks!! At which time I make a mental note reminding myself that it would be illegal for me to split them up the middle with my KBar. But not illegal to just blow them off when I see them and end up hearing "That fucker quit talking to me just because I had more aches and pains than he did, all he's got is cancer". (honest to God, that happened. I was laughing my ass off at his buddy's expression)
The second "Well I'll Be" moment of realization is this: Sometimes I'm not clear when I write things out. That's true, looking at some of the stuff I've written, and I'll be working on fixing that little problem. I get a lot of quizzical looks, since a spoken conversation can move on to different topics and in different directions at a moments notice. So, I've written something out as fast as I can, handed it to someone closest the center of the group, then have them look at me almost cross eyed. They had it back, I look at what I've written and it appears that it says "Dingle hims! Mombo be dog faced in banana patch!" Well I'll be, that's not what I wrote at all, at least that's not what my noggin saw me putting down. Yet there it is, FUBAR. So what I've done is sit and listen. I'll nod my head, or shake my head, and not do a thing unless someone asks me a question. When they do that, I know they are going to wait for an answer. Since I'm writing as fast as I can, I'm hoping with beyond hope that it's decipherable and not something goofy like "Any youse wimps wants to Mambo?" So yeah, that's led to a lot of misunderstandings in a lot of places and has left me more than just a little disappointed in myself. I'll be working on that as well. Seems like there are a lot of things I need to work upon don't I? Well, in reality these are things I should have been working on year round. Just like I did tonight. I worked on my communication skills at work constantly, both written and verbal because it was a requirement for my position. Since the cancer took the job, there's no reason when I can't continue that here, in the lap of luxury. I will keep all of you apprised of the progress along the written communication skills improvement (hopeful improvement, practicing and having the written skill further deteriorate would be a shame).
I will call this section "Oh Fuck It". It's what I'm going to use as a parameter for making certain I'm doing what I should to get myself back to the point that I'm more optimistic, having something to help other folks to better understand why or what I'm having for feelings. Mental and physical afflictions as I go along Terminal Velocity Hghwy strait toward Critical Mass Eternal Parking Lot.
Let's begin with a person's belief system. To me that falls under the heading "None Ya". It's a very personal thing with me, and it's supposed to be with everyone. "Oh Fuck It". I don't care what you believe, Christianity, Buddhism, Muslim, Atheist, I don't care. If someone asks for prayers for someone else, of course I will. Same thing with asking for good thoughts, you bet. Do I want to have a protracted discussion and asked over and over what I believe. Fuck no I do not. I know several truly Godly people and families. They help me quite a lot. We don't discuss my beliefs, they have asked me if I minded being put on their prayer list. Of course not. I consider them very good friends, and respected the family while I was in HS. Good people, living what they believe. I didn't ask before, I just let that topic go until someone started to argue, and lately that has been me. We will no longer do that. That will, once again, be one of the few Taboo Questions to ask. The others are about Family, Income, or pretty much anything I don't want to talk about, simply because they fall under the ever expanding cloud of "None Ya".
At the moment, I'm worn down to a fucking frazzled end. I've got about 11billion nerves so there's not possible chance that someone won't get on one with very little notice. I'll be an ass hat and speak mean and hateful language, because when I'm in that state that's how I operate. I'm dog tired. Really tired of being tired. When in reality I'm really tired. That state does open up the nerves for me, and I can get plain dog dirt mean about it. I don't like a lot of people when I'm tired and hurt, mostly I don't care much for myself and I rub that off onto people to see how well it sticks with them too. When it does stick, and everyone around me is as miserable as I am, boy!, that's a good place to be…..right? WRONG! I am going to halve to work really diligently not to let this tired, raw nerved me out of hiding. I really have to just kick it's ass and either cage it up like I try to do Cap'n Temper then pitch it in the trash a couple blocks away some unsuspecting dumpster diver take it away with them. (it's sneaky. The slippery little devil will attach itself to you without you even noticing.
As you frequent readers will have noticed, this isn't the most upbeat blog I've had in a while. The way things are working for me now, I'm having to either give some MORE stuff I like to do, or find a to work around those. The options for working around things are narrowing daily. Some things I found some real pleasure in are no longer going to be part of my "good days" set of toys. But the one of those that bugs me worse than any of them is cooking. I really enjoyed cooking, but I believe I've spun my last tiny culinary web. I'm far too sensitive right now about how I see what I'm doing being good or bad. I get too stupid with some of the little things, and cooking is one of the little things. It should have bothered me more when I could chew, swallow, and enjoy the full flavor of what I was burnin on the stove, oven, or grill. I can't let that drag down my "Good Days" for now good reason. People eat around here all the time, I know this to be true, I was once one of them. (secret: when I was really training hard in 2008, I ran into eating between 4500 and 5000 calories a day). I "eat" four times a day now, back in the ever popular Osmolite 1.5 Caravan of Delicious You'll Never Taste it Unless You Puke it canned goodness. Yum
Well, enough of that stuff.
A couple of years ago I tore a bicep tendon off of my arm. The bicep ended up in my armpit, my forearm looked normal, but my Upper arm looked way small, hence "Popeye Arm". So, I went to Scarby and helped out. Went to Arlington and judged a couple of days. It was here that I did something I never would have done had I not been missing throwing every day. They moved the throwing area a couple of times for the AD, and suddenly, not like a couple months ahead of time, but that day. So, me and the AD's brother are bringing some weights back. I grab the 56# Weight over bar implement and we dug out. Behind me I hear this drunk douche bag having his way running off at the head about the guys in skirts. I had a kilt, and had just gotten my splint off my arm and the AD's brother was with me carrying the 42#. I sent him on ahead, acted like I was winded, and set the 56# down. The loud mouth, his pretty pissed off buddy and girl friend caught up. It went kinda like this (loud mouth had on Nike running shoes). "Damn, this thing got heavy fast!" I say. Loud mouth "It can't weigh that much, it's not very big". "That's true, but it's solid, it's not hollow" Me. "I'll bet I can carry down to where you guys are, and I don't have to wear a skirt". "Okay", says me, "let me hand it to you". I picked it almost shoulder high in front of me and told him to get braced up because I was about to drop it. That was no lie, I did drop it. On his foot, and in immediate retrospect I thought, Holy Fuck! I might have broken his foot!!! He wasn't even yelling when I picked the weight up and said "Sometimes, bud, the guy in the kilt wins against the guy that's all mouth." Everyone giggled but the guy, he said something about kicking my ass and I said something back over my shoulder like "not with that foot" or something along those lines. On my way back I kept trying to think of ways to tell the AD what I'd done. I couldn't decide, so I said nothing. Well, until today
Have fun all the time even if you're panicked out. make it fun
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