McPherson!!! Glad to be back again!

 Last year I would have sworn Liz would be at MacFest with one of the kids or a friend or two, certainly not with me. There were more than a few times within the last year that I thought WERE gonna punch my ticket. I somehow managed to dodge all that crap as well, and am sitting in our hotel room blogging my ass off, and loving every minute of it. I used all my "Dammit, I'm Sorry" cards for a while. Mistakes are gonna happen with me, that's for certain. I loathe excuses, so this is an explanation, not a damned excuse. I got angry over some stupid thing. It made m feel like no one even listened, only that they paired off, determined to make me feel bad. Stupid Cancer Brain. No one did that, no one wanted to do that, they just wanted to help. But, my shit was off the line on the ground when we got home, or so it seemed. Overly dramatic from the overly defensive mind. It's a wonder I didn't pop a gasket. While it wouldn't have been aimed at me, it should have been. The Lovely couldn't even talk to me I was so far pissed off I wouldn't have heard.
  We dug out far too late Thursday afternoon, and my finding that I've damn near no night vision any longer concerned me enough that I asked if we could stay the night in Sweetwater. We can, and did. Friday was definitely a new day.Once I stepped back a bit, sat in the drivers seat, got all acclimated to the drive, I was sure all fired to get going. I'd not been up the Oklahoma route for a long time. It is beautiful country to me. Even knowing Fort Sill put in landscaping. I have always liked the "The Big Open". The Plains of Eastern New Mexico, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas West Border, all this was under ice or water thousands of years ago. It carved out it's own little shot at heaven. Sand pits in Russell County Kansas near Gorham, have thousands of tiny shark teeth. That's damn cool to find when you're poking around a sand pit in the middle of the high and dry plains.
  We drive on. Sometimes the traffic is Chock-Ful-O-Stupid, but it's no worse than Midland County or City proper to drive through. The scenery is changing as we charge toward OKC, it goes fast since we are traveling at highway speed. I sit there thinking that there is no way a settler on a slow assed wagon would notice the changes in an arroyo like we can driving the limit and nothing more. My Great Grandmother Nora Wilson was born in the back of a wagon in Greenwood County KS in the mid to late 1870's. When I was fourteen or so, she and I found us a quiet spot away from the kitchen to visit. GGma had gone from some eye sight to damn near zero. She told me about all the things that she'd seen come and go, and at the time of 1976 all that seemed so far away to me, but in Nora's eyes you could almost see the wagons, the first old rickety assed things, cars and trucks, the MOON landing. What a multitude of things just to set eyes upon. How she and Grant had built a family in an oil lease operators house, not moving to town until it was a sure thing the ranch was gonna close that set of pastures off. On a side note, my dad got Grant Wilson's daily journals, which I believe he gave to my Uncle Wilbur for safe keeping. Grant related that he started out from their Ranch HQ toward Denver in belly deep grass and only opened one gate to move on. Cattle market dried up, bankrupt Nora and Grant, but he paid off. Started hauling complete wooden tanks for oil storage before a sale. What a life!!! We think that, I suppose, because we don't see anything but the technology to beat us out when it comes time shut down the system.
  So many things I was seeing for what was the first time? No, but it was with renewed respect for our county, it's beauty, and heart. I'd seen all this before and marveled then, and it seems odd that I'd get hanky about my emotions as we scooted along the highway. Shhhhh, they don't need to know, These are things I'll miss. Rediscovering what I'd let slip from my sight. It's a great feeling to have found that again, where the horizon is infinite and waiting to be discovered. Pioneer spirit here in OK and KS.
Then, McPherson!!! I love just driving around this small town. Very pretty, and it's down to home, just like a lot of small farming communities. The Scottish Fest, that's how I got here in the first place.

   I was a Heavy Athlete, at best, slightly less than mediocre, but working on it to get better. Ten years ago (11?)  I walked onto the field to meet The AD Al Myers. It was like we'd known each other since we went to different schools together. In fact, that's the way I've seen these Games from word "GO". It is about trophy's, finishing well, and training hard. That's how these guys get better. I tried that as well, knowing I wasn't going to make it thru any of that. I started training hard. Two a days for the most part. It turns out that I just can't.  My mind set is goofy about somethings, not so much other. What training did for me was raise my goals but raising my mistake level to the point I took a beating imposed upon myself. I backed off training, and just kinda started having fun again. My scores went up because I was relaxed. I've thrown well, here at Mac, wish I could repeat that today. Today is Liz's turn to begin to see why I love my homes away from home when I travel to a set of games These are a class act, and I hope to see Liz improving. Yes, I will still be here watching her for some time to come. Rest assured HA!! All the athletes, the crowd, the bands, dancers, vendors, they hit it at exactly the correct place to be for me to find some away from home fun, knowing no one would allow me to get incredibly stupid and pass out around them! LOL

 There are some new things that old Baxter slid in on me while I was napping. I've found a new tumor detection ability. Damn, that sucks. It's behind my right ear, having taken up residence without asking, first. Our lot in life and death, isn't it? Only to the extent that we allow it to bother us. Somewhere these tumors are going to get worse. I've got some kind of fucking nerve, or something, that makes my hands cramp up badly.  I don't like it much, I can tell you that for sure. My face is beginning to hurt more  often now, as well as being swollen from the SVCS. My legs just said "Fuck it" and have lain down for  the duration, I guess. My upper body strength is sliding off just enough to catch me feel it happen. Tis an odd thing to start finding now. What it's done is done and there is no going back, only forward. Have fun today
Every Day

TCAA

  

   TCAA, Texas Celtic Athletic Association.

Liz and I are new members, and I'm incredibly honored to be among their ranks with the entire group. Yes, the support and actively put together Highland Games. They are men and women who love to compete in the sport. Not simply because it's a rewarding set of athletic events, but because it's challenging as well. They, as a group have done almost as much for me during my slow bake, as my family has in the last two years.  My family is strong, they are where I stand firm and unyielding. TCAA, behind everything, with encouragement, the occasional swift kick in the ass, or just listening to an old man relive some of the best times of his life, have done more than they will ever know.

   Liz wanted us to join. I talked to her about it some, and we agreed to join. I thought it was silly of me since I'm a definition of "Short Time". Liz contacted them, while I napped. We are in, I'm very pleased and happy. Liz face gets a puzzled kind of look. WTF? S'matter?

Then she starts showing me the posts for nomination. I'm floored. Okay, now I'm getting wet eyes, too. Liz is crying on my shoulder. She's not angry upset. She's sheds happy tears. Liz happy moments have been so few and far between as of late, I would have lopped off an ear if I thought she'd laugh. She's strong and my rock, she's not wanting me to take any of that burden from her. That does make me proud, and in my heart I know that I've married the woman that is me. She compliments my being. Happy, that is supposed to be Liz.

 Since TCAA is more than just an athletic group, Liz and I will be looking for something larger than ourselves to help out with. TCAA is dedicated to serving their community as well. That's a calling, Girls and Boys, that needs special recognition, because it is larger than them. I've done little things in the past. Spent time in the Infusion Ward at Texas Oncology talking with folks about anything but cancer. Such is how TCAA works. 

Bless you all for the great posts and acceptance. It made my heart swell and I'm not quite down off that hump yet. I hope that takes some time.

PIck Me Up

    So, things being what they are, I find out that MD Anderson just left out some info that would have been helpful in beating this pud fucker down. Such as, between May and July of 2013, how not only did it come back, it came back all the hell over the place. I mean shit, what harm would it have done to tell me EVERYTHING instead of just beating around the damn bush with the "It's hard to say, a year, maybe less maybe more." At least I'd been able to mentally prepare for what was coming. Burns my ass that keeping this stuff from me, when it's my fucking body, not theirs. I just will never understand that level of CYA.

  So, Baxter is making a flying run at me. I can tell because my engine is running a little hot lately. It's a metabolism boost I've felt before, both healthy and not. Healthy it was a good sign that extra work out was doing it's thing. Now, it's the bench mark of Baxter D. Bastard making time with growth. Apparently it's how he lets me know he's still here and is growing his ass off, and it's starting to show. My stamina and strength went so fast this time, I was taken completely aback at the sudden loss of those two pieces of me. It got to me for the first time then. "Shit, I'm gonna die".  That kinda dragged me down a bit. I was missing something, road trip.

  Off to my field office I go. Wednesday last. Now, I know the guys are going to be busy trying to get ready for the day, but I went out anyway. It's a ride, 55 miles, but when I get out there, I got such a greeting, it makes the trip way worthwhile. Yeah, even driving Liz to and from games, so she can rest up takes tons out of me. So does the ride out and back. The guys all make it worth the extra pain, and exhaustion going to and from. Busy week out in the field, and I'm missing the all the fun that brings around. Being serious for a second, to me, that was the most fun I'd had working for such a long time, I feel like I got the shit end of the stick with this bullshit cancer thing.
 What comes around when I go out there are the guys I worked with moving up the promotion ladder. The guys I talked so many times with my boss Dennis. How much I respected them, and the choices they make in the field. The way they worked with me, trying to learn how to better care for their wells without just guessing. The men that stepped up, when they didn't have to, because it was the right thing to do, regardless of getting recognized for any of their extra effort. Well, not quite, Dennis and I noticed. So did Bo Nock.  My hope is that I helped these men out as best I could before the cancer got me. I've a feeling that is true, and asking around, I believe I had done all that I could in such a short amount of time. I've always felt I left the guys in the lurch. From my boss Dennis, right down to the newest pumper we'd hired just 5 days before I got nailed. I regret not ignoring Dennis and coming back for the Failure Meeting. Until I got over the "Dammit, I put this together so they run this one right out the gate." Dennis was right in telling me to stay home. It gave him a shot at hunting out my replacement weakness as far getting out of the Meeting without major blood loss. Sadly that wasn't the case. The next went smoother, and I'm sure by now things are easier than old hat. Man I miss that!!!! It turns out it was more work than the field guys ever dreamed it might be for them. The first Failure Meeting we had lasted 7 hours. The last one I made as a Well Tech lasted an hour and a half. Straight answers with a dab of paper to bind those answers. Hit the solution to the problem and we were finished. Gotta love that.
   Some of how Dennis and I worked when we were trying to build an Instrument Tech job into what we both thought it should be, and building it from scratch, kind of amazed the guys. I worked the field alone, excluding one month when we hired a company to gather fluid levels to help me out with the field pumping patterns. I shot every well, beginning with the routes that had significant drops in production, made rod designs and ordered rods for the new drills, helped rebuild a tank battery, ran dyno cards on D-Jax well controlled units, geez, so much stuff. One of the guys that came in from another area and I were talking. He said this is what we do now, and I'm looking over the protocols for well work, meetings, helping the pumpers, everything Dennis and I thought the Instrument Tech should be doing to support the pumper and wells (number one in my book), to make the meetings nearly seamless in how we present what we've checked, fixed, finished and double checked one more time. Sort of nonchalantly I said "Well heck, this is what I like. See how much info you can give out to everyone with less effert?" Brandon looked and me and "Bull shit, I've got help and this is hard work. You did ALL this by yourself, now there are 3 of us and we can't keep up." I never once dreamed that I had done all that alone. It was just what I did. No second thought, only two things drove me: (1) Be better than the self hype you worked to get the job. Be Better, Be Smarter, Be Available.
(2) Do the wells that need attention first, every time. Make the men the priority, their wells are their priority. Help them optimize their time.
  That's the only thing I did. Time didn't mean much, the outcome meant everything, every time. I put in a lot of hours, some I didn't charge out. Not to be a showman, but as a way of my giving back a bit to the field that I ended up loving to work in. My men made it so. I say "my men", because I feel responsible for them in a way. I always felt like we would be working for ourselves to make this a field each of us could hold pride in. I do now, I hope my men do as well. I've been so blessed with the people I worked with and for over the years. These are some of the best around, bar none. We had a miserable, angry start out there. No one wanted to change, they didn't see the importance of the big picture as they did so much the little world. It was a very very very hard time. Lots of head butting, bad words, my worst temperament in years. I got pissed enough I settled in to outlasting some of the fuck weasels that had been with us. One boss quit, I was nearly fired. Enter Dennis Billington. Hard nosed fucker anyway. He got us headed in the right direction, gave me a shot with the proviso "Don't you fuck this up". Not on your life. He and I got along great. We argue, we fix it, we move on. How it is supposed to be. if either one of us was wrong, we'd apologize and move forward. For God Sake, if two grown men can't argue the merits of what they want done, without holding a grudge, then it all works. Carry a grudge, and you might as well stay put and pound the clown, because you'll get nothing done but mope and back stab. I'd had enough of that with my last boss at Anadarko.
  I'm so proud of those guys, and for what we all accomplished over the last year I worked, and in the nearly two years since I had to leave. It's a turn around that to me is just shy of amazing. I was blessed to be a part of that time frame. Man, the beginning of a new area, rebuilding and brain storming. There are parts of that field that used up every ounce of surface, down hole, unit knowledge I'd gained since July 1, 1975, and frapped that down into "You don't know shit", or so it seemed. It was slow, painful for some, releasing for others, but it was a a grand time to be there. We worked new ideas, refleshed some of the old school shit I know, tossed it all in the blender, and in my mind what came out was a "Bust Ass Attitude" to continue to make this field one to show Midland how well it would work.
Loads of My Men moved on up, up and over, or were picked up by other companies. The promotions were fantastic for me to hear. Being stolen from Apache? Well, they took the men we trained, so they only took the intelligent guys. We train, our men take over, and do great things with someone else. That's an unbound honor to be chosen for being some of the best, isn't it.
  Well, I'm home now. I have been renewed a bit. My spirit feels softer around the edges. My heart is at ease. It's going to help me out down the road since the Cancer is determined to beat me down again. It's going to happen, my body simply will not survive. My spirit, I hope, gets around and is either a comfort, or a kick in the ass when it's needed. The simple fact of setting back and talking a little shop with the guys I work with beat therapy 1,000 fold. I needed to see the guys badly, and for me, it worked like a charm. I feel better.

  Got bit by the wordy bug, it seems.

Thanks all of you who have my six from the entire world, fucking amazes me, and I so truly appreciate it. Be generous with yourself. Some folks need a little extra of you, even if you don't think so at the time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Quality of Life

 
   Before we get the inevitable political bull shit that I normally enjoy debating, this ain't gonna be the place. This is strictly how I (double capital I) see my very own Quality of Life. Those three damn words  an piss me off worse than anything on the planet right now, since it mostly becomes an "I wish someone could fix this!" dissertation on not taking care of yourself, but wanting someone else to make you happy. That's not going to happen here. I'll zap any post from anyone that wants to argue it, and I have no problem with making folks unhappy with me on that end of the spectrum. So, her we go.

  Quality of Life. Holy shit, that's loaded for God's sake. 2008! Man, Quality of Life was great! A two week tour of Scotland, all that time with the youngest kids and my loving wife having the time of our lives! I couldn't WAIT to get back to Texas, load up the truck and head for Kansas in September to show off my trip to my Highland Games friends in McPherson. THAT took a fucked up hard left. Labor Day weekend I rode to Kansas to see my Dad. Got up to head home that Monday morning, one swollen gland on my left jaw line. Didn't hurt, nothing on the right. Before I even said "I'm going to the Dr ASAP when I get home" I knew what it was. No pain, hard as a rock? That's cancer baby!. Took 8 days to see the Doc. Got worked in early to an ENT Liz likes, Dr Case. 16 days total since I rubbed it, and it was now big enough to see in my shadow with the sun on my back. Yeah, quality of life took a hit. I played that weekend, only told one person. Talked with Liz, got my port put in the first week of October, started chemo before my stitches are even partially healed. Told some of my extended friends. THAT beat feet across the Heavy Athlete grapevine. I got what seemed like a million text messages wishing me luck. Encouraging me and my family to keep the faith and this too would work out. I had no doubt I was going to beat it. I mean fuck, my body already ate the primary spot, this was a secondary my system was too worn down to kill off.  Quality of Life took a HUGE jump. We had already decided I was going to beat this out. Of course I'd be physically different, probably not as strong, but alive and able to laugh, eat, enjoy people, throw again, ride the NEW bike, (enter Fat Girl) and see a lot of different things, entirely different. Yeah, WE made our own Quality of Life. We had help to steer us a bit, but we'd already decided NOT to let it ruin life, or the life we wanted.

  Rest assured, Liz and I work hard at being happy with each other's company. We fight, sure, because we are smart, independent, people who are passionate about everything, including each other. This has been the singularly most exciting ride and party I've ever experienced in my 53 years so far. It's getting cut off WAY too soon for me, and I'm sure it is for Liz as well. All four of our children (Liz never thought of her step kids as anything but her own. Heart, folks, it's all about the heart) don't want it to stop so soon, but it is gonna happen.

 So, 2009 I'm all clear after taking as much radiation from my collar bones up so that anymore treatment will kill me. A fact reaffirmed in 2012, and March 2013 at MD Anderson. But I jump ahead. I learned a lot in the 4 months I took off for Short Term Disability. First, my Employer Apache took great care of Liz and I. My direct boss, Jimmy Garcia too great care of Liz, helping her navigate with the corporate HHS people. His boss didn't get to meet me until After I was back. He welcomed me like I was the Prodigal Son returning. Quality of Life, fuckin A high. On down the road, Apache merged with a company, and wanting a change of scenery I transferred laterally to a new field. God Almighty, that was a 4 month struggle that almost saw me fired. I let my quality of life slip. I couldn't find a way to fix what was being told on one level, and was entirely different that what we field people were hearing.  I though, caught myself, not without being warned, and started to turn that around. Picking a place to improve my quality of life again, without having to have my hand held along the way. Two leadership changes along the way. The first leader, he transferred and left us one foreman short. The man that took over asked if I could handle things on my own. Step up and take control and LEAD. You Damn right I can, and I did. Quality of Life grows for myself, and in turn for my family, as well as the guys I work with. We were forming a team. Finally, one I grew to be incredibly proud of, and in keeping in touch, not as often as I should, I continue to grow proud of them. Wishing only that I was there now, to help and to grow along with those men. We started a project that was huge. The field was put together haphazardly, NORM stored all over it, when it should have been disposed of properly. My God it was a mess.
  One man was let go, and that was the stepping stone in to the job I truly wanted and enjoyed even more than hanging off the diving board on the work over rig 55' off the ground. Well Tech. Diagnose, keep tabs on the wells, recommend pulls and work. God Almighty I LOVED IT!! The Quality of My Life was something I NEVER had before, it was not at a peak, it was continually growing, and I was rolling in it. I had weekends off. Liz and I used to go have Saturday breakfast on the few days I had off weekends when I pumped. Not enough of those, never. Now, in November of 2011 we got to go every Saturday. I was working 60 to 80 hours 5 days a week, but I finally, after all those years away from the pulling unit, I could see the fruition of a job. Beginning to end, whether I was correct of not, and so far up to that point I was into the mid 90% correct. We did, even on the ones that didn't produce more, however, begin to slow down the running speed, get the Pump Off Controllers to doing their job as they were supposed to work. Expenses out side of pulling were coming down. We rebuilt tank batteries as we drilled new wells. They went from jumbled messes to well rebuilt and redesigned lay outs that worked and would allow growth without silly add ons that would be unneeded. Yep, quality of life man, we built it ourselves.
  Shit, a year later and my cancer was back. On the day I got the for certain, I told my bosses the score. That as soon I know, I'll get started training a guy to take over my spot. I was sure, and unfortunately correct, that this time the cancer would kill my ass. Turns out I had 2 weeks. I got everything I was doing caught up as best I could. I took my pick with me, let him run the equipment, and I hope I got him enough hands on to take over. He did, after a difficult start (I offered to come out and help him through the meeting.) began to get a grip on what it was they wanted. He made the job his, that made my Quality of Life rise, because that's what we intend, isn't it? To make ourselves better through creating what we want out of life? Isn't that the essence of Quality of Life? Not the fewer people, not uncrowded highways. Not climbing rents, home prices, and all the other things that as a whole we can't change, not one iota. Quality of Life begins in your heart. It's where you find your greatest peace. All this time since I was cut on in Jan of 2013 right up to today, my Quality of Life is altered, a LOT. It's not lost, just different. I do believe in Quality over Quantity. Some folks have seen pictures of me from earlier this week. There's a chance that I have Superior Vena Cava Syndrome. Common among neck and head cancers. It's a blockage in the Vein that supplies the return for blood in your upper body. Causing the face, neck, head, or all three to swell since they can't move fluid out with the blood.  Thursday I could see well enough to drive to the Hospice to pick up some supplies. 25 minutes across town with business travel and I didn't know if I could make it back home before my eyes swelled clear shut on me. I feared my Quality of Life was gone if that happened. Told my nurse "Shit, I'm headed for  Quantity, not Quality, and I won't stand for that". It dawned upon me, on my incredibly tense drive home, that she was going to bend over backwards to get me help. So THIS is what it's like when others help! I'll be damned. Now, before this sounds like I'm casting aspersions upon my regular nurse, he and I have asked for help a time or two without much success. Once though, the nurse who doesn't see me two or 3 times a week saw how rapidly it came at me on Thursday and got the wheels going. I got a visit from the Doc, he wanted to get in right away. I got meds instead, to see what happened with the swelling. Three days in and my breathing is improving all the time, I can see. The facial swelling is fine and continuing to come back to "normal" what ever that is these days.
  Quality of Life? 100%. Why? Because I want it to be there, that's why. My favorite means of travel to see my farther away friends (minimum of 325 miles one way) is different, and so it the time I can spend with them. I'm there, I watch. I can't cheer since my voice is fucking gone, but I can revel in their successes with them, I can stop and write a note to tell them how great it is to at least watch them throw, laugh and live a life on the balls to the wall side. I've found I can bake a bit. I can't eat it, but when it's full of flavor and everyone is enjoying something I created, how in heaven's name can I not say my Quality of Life isn't 100%! All of you who join me on this leg of my life, YOU are part of my Quality of Life. Family, friends, it all has changed and slipped in some places while it's grown in others. It wasn't given me with any help from any politicians, civic leaders, none of the entities or people I hear others say make part of the Quality of Life they have. We make our own, with friends, family, stories of ourselves and what we do to get over adversity. THAT is Quality of Life. Not the highways, taxes, any of that. It's the way we are inside. We can create a better Quality of Life than any government  agent, or agency at any level can fix for us. Open your eyes. You are your own Quality of Life comptroller. Grab that bitch with both hands, because with a high Quality of Life, comes a ride like you've never been on…Life, both hands on living it.

There Are Days

    There are days when I don't feel quite like the person people think I am. Days when I'm not too inspiring to myself. Days when I don't feel like the toughest man folks know. Days when I'd just as soon stay in bed and not move much. When feeding is more a pain in the ass, and only done because I have to feed, not that I'm hungry. Days that asking for help is needed, because I don't like to have help very often, but when I ask for it, I've got to be feeling really hinky. Days when even if I get feeling a little better in the afternoon, I'm still not worth tits on a boar hog. Days when I can feel old Baxter U. Bastard cancer getting the better of me. More oft than not, lately. Like I told my brother John Moye, "It's finally wearing me down, Pancho". It is, tumors growing, not being able to breathe well, (but oddly enough my blood Ox stays in the mid to upper 90's, figure that shit out) muscle soreness, quick pulls, all of it is adding up on me pretty quickly. This is one of the Days When I'm Not So Perky. I've made it longer than the doctors thought I would, what with how fast the tumor grew before and after it came back this past year. Apparently they didn't take into account that my body ate the first primary tumor 6 years ago, and what we treated was a secondary spot.  Those Days were the Victorious Days. I made it nearly 5 years between diagnosis's. I told people, kind of gaudily, "When did you know me not to end up exactly like I wanted? Or not get anything I didn't really want?". The answer then was truly, never. Makes even us thinking folks wonder about the Karma Police and if all this isn't some very bad assed cosmic payback. I think so, I have been overly confident to the point of damn near cocky. Some, in fact, would say I was very cocky. I figured I was just confident enough that I could even ask if I didn't know. That's not cocky, is it? Hmmmmm?

   So if it IS a bad assed cosmic payback, I've probably earned it. I've done pretty much as I've pleased for over fifty years. I count them all from about 3 up, because I played a lot by myself, and did as I wanted as long as I came in when I was called. Over 50 years of doing as I pleased, and when I was 17 and up, some of it wasn't always what you might call morally significant. I mean, hell, I never killed anyone. I did strong arm a guy once, That was particularly bad. A guy that worked for Ben Smith braced me up one night. After the place closed, I followed him out to the truck stop and we had a close personal discussion about fucking with people you don't know from sic em. Another of his guys got gut shot by a .38 wadcutter bullet. I don't know who did that. I had the cops called on me once, for knocking the piss out of a guy at the old Safeway downtown LK. I wouldn't have, but he knocked the fuck out of his toddler son right in front of me, couldn't let that go. I was a bit on the selfish side for the biggest part, not quite the helpful person I am now. Folks asked, back then, why I didn't date or why I wasn't married. I didn't lie to em, I was too busy doing what I did best: work, drink, screw, and occasionally have a short but mean fist fight. Right up until a guy I knew accidentally hit a guy at a little bar in Baker Ok, I believe it was Baker, the guy that got hit tripped and hit the back of his head on a car bumper and killed him stone dead. The guy that hit him couldn't hit hard enough to fatten a lip, but that day he killed a guy and did 5 years in the OK State Pen. I backed off being so quick to throw down. I did a few times, but only if things looked too lopsided for me to stand still. Looking back it's when I started to notice that more guys a little younger than me had gotten more chicken shit. They either had 3 or 4 of them on one guy, or they put the boots to em when they were down and couldn't fight anymore. Chicken shit and cowards. Some of those guys, before they moved on with the oil field, got lesson's in being more "Manly" in the way they fought. We had a kid work for us that was a good fighter, or could be, but he was more a blind sider and fighter of people far smaller than him. I hope he got his life together as he got older. I lost track of him after he quit working for dad. If it is a cosmic payback, I did my part to earn it.

   So, I'm sitting around today thinking how in the hell did I get to be an inspiration to anyone? I didn't seek it out, all I wanted to do was help some of them be less afraid. I mean, Jesus, I never had more than a hand full of friends at any one time, until I was in my early 40's. I just didn't let that many people in my life with me. I never tried, I don't think, to inspire anyone. I said things to some folks about not quitting unless they were absolutely sure it was the best thing for them. We talked about how the effort is as important on a personal level as winning is on a larger scale. That working on being better for yourself is always a win, regardless of the outcome on a score card. I never did well on the score card, so maybe I was bolstering myself. I know a couple of people that stayed with the sport they liked, though, and even got far above average at it, for themselves. I was pretty old when I tried being an athlete again. Damn near 40 when I went back to the gym, with 20 plus broken bones in the past, and some joints that wish I'd just stop doing much of anything. But, I stuck with it. I didn't have a goal, I just liked doing it. I got strong, then stronger. By the time I set a goal I was 46, hit it at 47, got sick that fall and turned 48 with chemo therapy eating away my muscle mass. Radiation got the rest that year. I made a goal after Scarborough Faire Ren Fest Highland Fling. 75% of what I had maxed. I that goal, plus a bit in 18 months. Faster than I thought it would come. The best thing, gravy on the taters if you will, was that I wasn't so wound up. My joints liked me better, the bike liked me better, the family liked me better……I think. Just when I hit my stride with work, family,  bike, athletics, friends, and myself. I get kicked in the ass again. Some shit huh? So how did this become an inspiration? Got me.
  I told the folks I consider friends (a helluva lot more than a handful these days, and glad to have them) that I was going to be honest with them about this cancer. Eight months later, I said I would be honest with having terminal cancer. A month or so after that, I was convinced to start a blog. Not what the fella expected, but a blog all the same. I promised I'd be honest here. That the reason I started it was a number of private messages and people coming to me who were afraid. Not for themselves always, but for family, themselves, and friends. They wanted to know how come I wasn't afraid. I still don't have a good explanation for that. Fear and being anxious are two different things. I've been anxious about situations, but never afraid. That's weird. I've been shot at, that didn't scare me, and I think it should because the person was dead serious about hitting me. (I learned how to look for tell tale signs of wedding rings immediately after that) So how in God's name did I ever inspire a soul? It's been explained several times, but I'm a bit block headed and still don't get it. How weird is that? Why is it so difficult for me to take a compliment and just say "Thank you very much" and let it go at that, rather than question myself so harshly? Will The Shakes wrote "The good that men do is oft interred with their bones, while the bad lives long after", true enough, I'm sure. Is it that I'm trying to shake that? Could be. Could it also be that I am worried that people who don't much like me, are going to come out of the woodwork after I croak and tell everyone in my family what I did to make them dislike my ass? That's possible. That may be why I shake the "You're an Inspiration" tag. So I can hold that negative part at bay as long as possible. I've passed a bad, bad, gene onto my younger kids. The genome of "Judge yourself more harshly than is needed on everything". In some ways, it's a good thing. Okay, in very few damn ways it's a good thing. It's helped me be more conscious of how I worked. Double and triple checking things, learning to do a lot of things efficiently so I could actually spend the least amount of time with the highest results. Because I questioned myself all the time, and harshly. This would be my best explanation as to why I'm not seeing myself as an inspiration.

  By the by, if this is a repeat, forgive me. Cancer Noggin sometimes shoves it's way into my blogs.

  One lesson I like to give everyone: Never, ever let them see you sweat. You're ass could be a breath away from an ass whipping. Don't let the other person know you're the least bothered by this. If it's something at work, breathe slowly, let them have their way. Eventually you'll be able to snap it off in an incompetents ass. It's refreshing to do that. I've opened up on two of my bosses with both barrels. One time nearly got me fired. The next boss that came along 4 months later, fought to get me a well tech position. I guaranteed him he wouldn't regret the decision. That I'd live up to my hype. The first well failure meeting we had I was so nervous I had three gallons of sweat trapped in the crack of my ass. All of my bosses said that we could do better, but for the first time I did very well. They didn't see me sweat. HA HA HA. We did get better, and faster.

   Allright then. Take a look at yourself. If you look good, you can sleep well with 75%  of your decisions, you're okay.  Live your life like you steal each day, in a sense we have. Be fun to be with, serious when it's needed, and full blown bat shit crazy if you have to be, no one will think less of you.

 

Well, That Was A Mistake

   Well, yes, I made a mistake that made me absolutely miserable and I feel that it made Liz worry unduly. What I did was order my Fentanyl patches on Friday morning, and expected to see them at my house no later than early Saturday afternoon. Well, I blew off Saturday afternoon listening to an audio book, and by the time I asked Liz if it had been delivered, it was too late anyway. She said, no, it hadn't been delivered. Okay, no big deal, I can hang with it for 48hrs or so, since I wasn't due to change them until midway through Saturday anyhow. Boy, did the pain and withdrawal symptoms make a liar outta me! Yeah, the pain on Monday morning was hangin in there about an eleven on a scale of 1-10, ten being worst. I've had more than my share of broken bones from first grade right up until 2010, when I broke a finger, set and taped it, and went right on working. So yeah, I've got a fairly high threshold for pain, but this was something new and noticeably unwelcome. Since Fentanyl is an opioid, it causes withdrawal symptoms. I believe I had some of those. Sweat, chill, sweat, chill, chill, chill, chill, sweat. I've been taking it for almost a year, in varying strengths, until I got to this point that is 200 micrograms per hr (two 100 mcg patches) so I'm pretty well taken care of pain wise. Yep, not pressing the issue about "where the hell are my meds" was a mistake I'll not make again….hopefully. If it hadn't bothered Liz so much I wouldn't have sweat it so much myself. Stressing Liz anymore than she already is makes me feel like a real ass weasel. So, for the simple fact that I don't want to stress out Liz any longer, I won't be forgetting to keep my meds up to date.

   I seem to be having more trouble staying focused as well. Not to the point of working away and suddenly thinking "Squirrel!", not quite that bad anyway, yet. It's more subtle, like just floating off to another spot on the same page and rereading over and over. Dopey but true. I've reread the same page of one of my books at least 6 times, that kind of trouble with focus. It's annoying, but not as troublesome as one might suspect. I'm fine driving, and that sort of things, but with reading, as well as writing this blog, it catches me off guard. I stop frequently, these days, when I work on the blog, simply because I've found myself writing the exact same thing in paragraphs half way through the darn thing. That would be just horrifyingly redundant. Not only redundant, but it would make me feel like I'd lost all control of my faculties, and that scares the bleeding hell right out of me, dammit. Of all the things that the cancer could have of mine, my mind is the one thing I'll fight every day, all day, 24 hours a day. My highest hope is that I kick the proverbial bucket before Baxter has enough of me that he tries to get my mind as well. According to some, that won't be a very long road at all. HA HA

   I also have noticed I'm getting more "Phantom Pain" on the left side of my jaw. You know, the one that doesn't exist any more. It's weird to wake up in the middle of the night with a tooth ache in a spot that hasn't had teeth since Late October of 2007. The worst one of the Phantom's so far hit on Tuesday of last week. There I was, happily snoozing away, when it felt like someone had hung a HUGE right cross upon my lower left jaw. It hurt so bad, so fast, that I was taken completely off guard. I sat up in bed, kinda gave a little gurgling yelp  and hoped I hadn't woken Liz. Nope, she  was still sawing logs and was peacefully oblivious to my aching tooth that hasn't been in existence in 7 years. It rattled along aching away for the better part of two hours before it let up enough I could sleep. Of course by that time I was feeling like I needed to be up so I could help Liz get her coffee and s bite to eat. This seems to be happening more frequently as well. If it were a SciFi story, I'd say my jaw and teether were going to grow back as soon as they Phantom Pain Stopped. Somehow, I don't think that's the outcome that is going to happen to me now.

   One would think that the most pain I have is in my face, neck, and shoulders. That's not where I find it now. My right leg carries the brunt of my pain now. From where my hip ties into my pelvis clear to the top of my knee. It's not a throbbing pain, it's more extra tender to the touch. Some of that may be that I've got lymph glands near there that are probably compromised from the cancer, seeing as how the Cancer liked those too. If I can, I'll try to get those to drain a bit, and maybe back some of that constant pain off a bit. If I get exceedingly tired, my right leg tends to hurt the most. I'd been used to chronic pain for quite some time. The broken fingers don't have great circulation, and my broken ankles don't give my feet much circulation either, so they tend to suffer in cold weather. To keep them warm I tend to go overboard, which makes them sweat, and that makes them cold on their own as the boots and socks get colder. The warmest foots are always the driest foots. The pain I do get in my face, neck, and shoulders, generally comes from cramping of the pectoral muscle in my mouth. A lot of things can set that off. Over exertion, overly tired, a very hard cough, things along those lines will make the muscle cramp, and I'm telling ya, they aren't easy to shake. Once in a while, when that muscle cramps, it puts a strange taste in my mouth. Not spoiled, but strange. An almost citrus taste. Odd, but not as disconcerting as it was say sixteen months ago. The darn thing gets hard as a rock, then makes weird tastes. Gotta love the cancer man, never a dull moment.

  I suppose in the grand scheme of things this is pretty small potatoes, this cancer, myself, and how I'm trying to work my death. There are far greater things going on in the world as a whole. The Mid-East is still in the turmoil it's been if for 3,000 years. The players are all basically the same, the only difference is what they call themselves. I would imagine that if we were to check into any of the places where there is a large conflict going on, it will probably be the same bunch of people versus the same bunch of other people. Religions may have changed names, the conflict may have different reasonings, but it's going to be the same bunch of people fighting over the same bit of ground one way or the other. Silly really.

  So I hope I'm accomplishing what I set out to do when I got pressured into doing a blog. Put myself out in front of the cancer. Tell people the truth, with all the warts, swearing, and pain that goes along with what I'm fighting.  Quite frankly I am so very tired, physically and mentally both, that if it all ended tonight, I do believe I'm ready. If not, then I keep on trying to thwart Baxter the Bastard Cancer, and keep letting folks know that it's never best to just kick in and let the cancer win. Fight that damn thing at every turn. When your body is worn out, it will let you know. Until that time, you owe it to yourself not to hang up and quit, but to carry on as best you can. Even when the odds are so stacked against you, let that be your driving force. To beat at it until one of you has to give. The Spirit always wins in that case, even if the body does, YOU haven't lost.

 Be good, kids, laugh a lot every day. Be the ball Danny, be the ball, be, be be….I can't Danny, I'm a veg. Hmmmm how the hell did Caddyshack slip in here? HA!

Sleep Silly Boy

   I am beginning to sleep almost 50/50 day and night. Not quite, though, because I can't seem to fall asleep this evening. I'm not sure why, unless it was the five hrs I slept between Noon and Five PM. I made some B-nana and Chocolate Puddings from scratch.  Then, after the Chocolate cooled enough, I put it and B-nana pudding alternating in parfait glasses and topped them with home done Whipped Cream.  The directions say "cover with plastic wrap so the pudding doesn't get a 'skin' on top as it cools". When I was a kid, that was my favorite part of home made pudding. Even if it was Jello Pudding mix, it got that extra cool skin on it while it cooled. I can almost taste it just talking about it. Wild isn't it?  The damnable shame of that is I can't taste or smell it, but when I'm cooking it, I can see my mom standing over the stove in the kitchen in our house in Gorham.  One time in November of 1963, mom was making chili for our supper, I was in the living room watching TV, then ran into the kitchen to tell Mom that the President had just been shot. She came into the living room and checked. Sure enough, President Kennedy had been shot. It was the first time I'd seen Mom cry. Neither Mom or Dad voted for him, I found out later, and much to my poor judgement, I never asked why that got such an emotional response. It was, though, a seemingly simpler time and I firmly believe the amount of cynicism was very low. To be honest, Kennedy saw farther ahead than the politicians today. Into space and land on the moon before the end of the 60's? Bold statement that based itself on the idea that the USA was a great nation and that we could and SHOULD lead the world. God I miss that kind of pride in the country

   Man, I am becoming the Sleep King (tonight excluded, too long a nap), I can rattle off time in the sack, then a nap in the morning or afternoon, or both. I had close to a five hour nap this afternoon, which is like a straight sleep for me during my healthy period. I've got stress issues in worrying about the family. They do okay for a while, then it's a bit of a high tension and stress, then they go back to being almost all okay. It's very hard for a family to watch a parent slowly dying. Really slowly. At times I think I've been here around four to ten months to fucking long. When I ache all over, then get a sinus head ache, my joints start to snap and pop, and at times I can't get my left arm over my head. I swear it's enough to make you step off the curb in front of a bus. Okay, not really, but you get the drift. I believe that maybe I'm not seeing enough of the big picture, but rather those little anecdotes that pop something loose in my memory, and in turn that sends me spiraling into the Land of Tiny Details. It gets to the point it's like not seeing the forest for the trees. I hear quite often that I'm still waddling around because of some unfinished business with the Alpha and Omega, The Beginning and the End. I truly wish if that were so, I wonder if we can expedite the process. I can't see what I'm missing, other than some things at home. Those things are being attended too right now, I'm hoping that is all that I need do. Or, I wait to see if this is all that I need to have finished, then I can lay down and rest. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever picture myself as an inspiration to others. At times I can't inspire myself, let alone family or friends. What a pisser of a note, huh? This evening, into these wee hours of the morning, I've vacillated between being up, and being down. I'm here to tell you that is some boring shit. And completely out of character. If you can show me where and how, it won't be a bid huge fall, and decent cushion on the bottom makes it a nice ride. The entire business of being terminal is just so disjointed, it won't allow you to make a set schedule. That's only going to get worse. Sooner rather than later, I hope. I'm practically worn out to the bone, I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I would love to have one day where all I had was the old sore knee with a pop that sounds like a .22 Long, the shoulder that creaks like it needs some hinges oiled, and the occasional cough and sneeze from some of the blooming plants. Mesquite always, cotton not always, and a large and sundry list of DNW's and wildflowers. (DNW's are "Damn Noxious Weeds")

  Okay kids, contemporaries, family, nurses, doctors , friends, and the strangers with a kind word or small deed. I notice, even when you think I didn't, I notice and am grateful for all of you.

Roc