Well, as fun as the weekend was there are ramifications that come with enjoying ones self, particularly if you're carting around an active cancer in your body. I don't recover well, not like I did even three weeks ago, and some worse than even a week ago. I've got one trip left in me, and I'm making that trip even if I have to cart along the walker to get there. It's important to me, there are people I need to see. I feel that I may be trapped and can't get away from them when my eyes begin to leak, like I could at McPherson. In retrospect, I should have just let the tears fall, rather than walk away like I did. That was rude of me and I apologize. I hate to cry. A lot of finality showed up at McPherson, not that I didn't know that was going to be the case, but it's still a bit shocking.
Liz took Monday off so she could kind of rest up as well. It was a long drive home Sunday, and I was so beat she had to do the majority of the driving. So, we plan to do a couple of things. One was take her car down to get the tires rebalanced and rotated. I get to the tire shop and start to cough. Of course I didn't bring my suction, because that wasn't going to happen, right? Wrong! It was a particularly long and hard coughing session. I finally coughed up the culprit. A large blood soaked mucus patch. I know this isn't the best thing to read before breakfast, but y'all seemed to like that I was open and honest. The fact is, I'm bleeding more and this is something that happens at least once a week now, instead of every couple of weeks. And I bleed a bit longer, and a bit harder every time. This is only going to get worse, I'm told. I'm not afraid of that, other than it's a major pain in the ass. Liz got in the car so I could take us to breakfast, which wasn't happening now, obviously, and said "wow, that's a lot of blood this morning.". Yes it was, and it hung in there until almost noon. That's about double the length of time it was before. Generally a couple of hours, not 4.5 or five hours. It's a sign the cancer is still hangin in there and moving it's miserable self along at a nice steady pace. Maybe even picking up a bit. So, that shut down anything I was really wanting to do yesterday with Liz. What I did do was sleep an inordinate amount, because I was so exhausted from the trip. Okay, and from bleeding and coughing so hard. It cost me going in for a lymphedema treatment, which helps control my pain. I like that part, since without it I've been into my "break out" pain med more often than normal.
There are things within this blog that I'm not entirely "open and honest" about. Not that I lie about anything, but that I just don't want to share. If it's important for people to know health wise, or attitude wise, I'll share it with you. After all, I set this up as a place to learn something about me, and hopefully about yourself as a reader. If that's working, then I'm pretty pleased with the overall idea of the blog. However, there are somethings that I have to deal with first, so as to get my mind in the middle and leave it there so I don't get thrown and stomped. I get to them eventually, well, most of them anyway. But I need some time of my own to figure out how I'm going to handle them before I write about my experiences with what's going on. I'm hoping everyone understands that. I'm used to doing things on my own without a lot of help. So this whole Hospice thing is still bugging me a little. I even like my nurse, she's a very nice person and almost mother hens me. In some regards that's kind of nice. The other side of me that's not so welcome. The side that says, "Do this yourself, pussy", he doesn't like help and generally rails against it. Although that side is getting to be a lot more quiet than it used to be. I figure it's smart enough to know it can't do this alone like we used to do things.
I also try to keep from the blog that I'm sliding downhill. To me this is supposed to be a blog about educating folks so they don't fear the process if they or a loved one gets into this situation. In my mind saying "Fuck, I'm in bad shape today" isn't inspiring. It's honest, but not much in the lines of inspiration. It also turns out that I underestimated the fact that in being 99% open, that it wasn't hard to read between the lines and people could tell when I was having a rough time and when I wasn't. So I'll kick that to the boards and I'll come right out and say, "I'm not doing well today", and hopefully have something figured out to make that a better situation. I did that yesterday. I was stuck at home, but I also got to read a bit, let my body heal up some, and got myself to the point that by late afternoon I was feeling my oats just a bit. That's always a good thing. I think that as time goes by and the end gets closer, I'm going to have few moments, and shorter lived moments, when I feel my oats. I should be reveling in those as they come along instead of wishing they were longer. That's more my style anyway. To jump on the good time and ride it into the ground. Not giving the good moments any rest until they are played completely out. I may pay a physical price for those times, but it's worth far more to me than being worn out and hacking up blood than to miss having a laugh or some fun of some kind. Even if it's just startling the piss out of my oldest daughter. She's easy that way HA! I don't know who I thought I was fooling by not being open about how I feel from day to day. It certainly isn't The Lovely, or the readers of the blog. Must have been myself, thinking "Well, what they don't know can't hurt". Except that I have very intelligent readers, and I can't pull the wool over their eyes any more than I can The Lovely. So, I'll work on that a bit.
So, here's my new game plan. To still keep a positive attitude, but be more honest and open with all of you about how things are progressing. It's all part of the process, and how am I going to impart how things are going if I'm not right there letting all the symptoms, bad and good, lead the way, right?
I'll be more open to letting my eyes leak in front of people as well. Gee, it turns out maybe they wanna share a little boo hoo with me. By walking away and not letting people share that moment with me I was being selfish. If this blog and my flight toward Terminal Velocity means anything, it should mean that we all share together, not just at my whim or fancy. Especially if people have traveled to see me. I apologize for leaving you folks sitting on Saturday. I should have stuck it out and let the eyes leak. I'll do that from now on. And believe me, I hate to fucking cry, always have and always will. So I'm gonna give that discomfort up so we can all be miserable together. How's that for a deal?
Today's marching orders!! Somewhere there's something just dying to be noticed. A sunset, a sunrise, a flower, a cute kid....something. Take the time to stop just for a second and give it a look. On our way home, light was getting low in the sky around the Canadian River valley. Beautiful. I'm glad I got to see that. And it was just aching for someone to take a long look at it. So I did . Those are your orders for today. DISMISSED
