Yes it is late in the day. I was too tired to get my crap together early this morning, although I was awake at the proper time at least twice, I fell back to sleep. I'd had some terrible swelling in my face, to the point that it hurt. In fact I was afraid I was going to have to have someone take me to lymphedema therapy this morning. But, that's getting a little ahead of the game, so I'll push on from the point of swelling.
I swell in my face and neck because my lymphatic system in my neck and head has been compromised with cancer. It attacks and hangs out in my lymph glands. They are essential for moving fluids away from various and sundry parts of the body. We are, as most of us know, comprised of mostly water. So having a system to move excess fluids out helps maintain a nice balance in many parts of the body. If they don't work properly, as mine don't, then the area that is affected will swell up like a tic. Saturday, I'd had some swelling, nothing major, but I'd missed one Lymphedema Therapy session on Thursday, so I wasn't sweating that so much. About 3 weeks ago my portable suction machine died, and we've been trying to find one ever sense. The Medical Supply people we had been renting that machine from couldn't find their ass with both hands if they had a map and compass. Liz found one, purchased it, and we are patiently awaiting it's arrival, supposed to be last Friday, here it is Monday, and not here yet. Bad luck ordering something around Christmas time, and expecting it to be here on time is near insanity. At any rate, it will certainly be nice to have one that I can take anywhere and suction instead of trying to hack the mucus into a rag. Which, by the way, generally makes me gag. With no soft palate every time I try to work up pressure to spit, it blows the crap right back up into the base of my sinuses. That, girls and boys, sucks dick for skittles. I had to do some of that at the midnight show for "The Hobbit: The Defecation of Smaug". Good movie, I recommend it. I've been having some "above and beyond" regular pain in what's left of my jaw. Since the cancer was found to be hanging out in a goodly chunk of the left side of my lower jaw, why would't it want to find a home in the right side of my jaw? At first I thought it was just from the pec muscle cramping and pulling my right jaw out of place. It has in the past, almost to the point of dislocating my right jaw from it's hinge. I've felt it pop (and having broken enough bones), heard it pop as well. So, when it started aching I paid it little mind, until it just started randomly giving me shooting pain that would drop a normal human being. Okay, yes, it nearly dropped me a couple of times.
Then I began thinking, "Damn, it could be cancer, you dip shit". After speaking with my Hospice nurse and going over some possibilities as to what it is or what it might be, and finally settling on cancer we got me a little bit of Morphine. It's wonderful, especially if I'm looking to take a loooong nap. But yes, it does take care of the continual pain and when I've taken it I'm no longer subject to that shooting pain that will make me wanna pee pee my pants. So yes, I use it like I should and I don't have that kind of silly aching pain any more, I like that. Although I sleep a lot more.
So Sunday was a day of ick, I couldn't do Jack Shit because the swelling in my face and neck was making it hard to breath. I lost nearly all my left to right rotation because of it, and I was having all the fun of running a cheese grater up and down the back of my legs. Yeah, loads of fun. I did have Liz rub me down a bit, and I think that got some of the fluid moving as best as we can. Turns out it worked a bit and I was a lot more comfortable and was able to sleep. Sleep for me is different from a lot of people. I sleep 2-4 hours, then wake up to get my tracy cleared and to suction out my throat a bit. Then it's right back to sleep, because lately I can't seem to get enough sleep, even if I get six hours straight like I get once in a while. Though it's not very often I do relish it when I can grab that. So, that's leading us right up to what happened this morning.
I fell asleep about 2030 last evening (Sunday) and woke up about 0030, coughed to clear the trach. There was a little blood, nothing to worry about, because I've bled off and on it's not big deal. I wait half an hour or so and when nothing else shows up, I'm back in drooler land. Same things at 0300, and 0600 and 0700. I get clear away by taking the Boy to school and heading into Lymphedema Therapy. I'm all shit's and a giggles on the way there. When I get up to the room, I suddenly get that stopped up and can't get it cleared out feeling. That sucks. So, I excuse myself and go to the can to see if I can get this snot wad to move ahead so I can fish it out. What I succeed in doing is getting it out, but it's a wad of bright red bloody snot. While I'm cleaning myself out, I get that nasty blood taste in my mouth again. Just for shits and grins I let this just run out of my mouth and into the sink. Ewwwww!!! It's a string of bright red and really thick blood. Not so much snot I don't think, but heavy duty blood. The good point? It's bright red, I'm not anemia. Bad point, I am not going to put my therapist thru that ordeal. She worries, which is nice in one sense, and worrisome to me in another sense. I don't want her to feel like it's something the therapy caused, which it didn't.
So, now I'm basically bleeding buckets, or it seems that way. I have to keep trying to swallow, so that it will aspirate and I can cough it up. That's a pain in the ass, and not all together kosher, I wouldn't think, on the medical side. But it's how it's got to happen for now. That way I can get home, settle myself in, suction my mouth as it needs it and hopefully cut down on the aspirated material that I've been hacking up for the last 20 or so minutes.
Here's the weird thing. It says something for how the mind, even when you know what it happening, tries to make sense out of something it can't quite grasp. I'm hacking away, and it's heavy with blood, I let it run out of my mouth, and it's heavy with blood. And what is one of the thoughts that's flipping through there? "Damn, that looks a lot like Campbell's Tomato Soup". No shit? Really? Soup is supposed to be fun and nourishing. This is neither, and yet my brain can't come up with anything better than, "Damn, that looks a lot like Campbell's Tomato Soup". MMMMM MMMMM Good bullshit!!
Okay, so now I'm tickled. Soup and suction Mr Smith? Why yes, Jeeves, and thank you. For God sake boy, group your shit would ya? Anyway, I mention I'm bleeding like a stuck hog on FaceBook, that I've text two people with Hospice and no one has answered back. My oldest daughter called for me, after reading the post on FaceBook, and asked them "WTF?". About an hour after it started, it's nearly stopped and the Hospice nurse shows up. I've bled before, it was no big deal, this was though, because of the amount and length of time it ran. The Nurse asked, "You do know that you may start bleeding and it won't stop, don't you? And it might be in everyone's best interest if it starts that way that you go to Hospice House, instead of staying home.". Yep, I understand that. It was one of the things the doctor told me about my last visit to MD Anderson. I did not tell the family. Foolishly thinking that I would have plenty of time to go over that if it came to it. Well fuck, it's come to it and I don't feel like I have enough time to even go take a leak now, let alone go over options with the family. I don't believe they want to watch Dad bleed to death sitting in his recliner, but I'm going to find out this evening for certain.
To summarize: I'll be fucked, this seems to be getting closer to Critical Mass than I would have liked. But that time may indeed be coming around the corner. I promised to keep up the blog as long as I'm able. And I will honor that, for as long as I can.
"Aye God, Woodrow. It's been a hell of a party. ain't it"
It has, and with any luck we can party along a bit longer.
Love all y'all
