Last evening I got to watch my son march at a football game. It was windy, and a bit chilly. The north wind was definitely biting. Normally that's no big deal. I've watched a football game in 30 mph winds and sleet. This time it wasn't the chilly that got me, it was pain. My throat, neck, shoulders, and back just sprung up with sharp, stabbing pain. Usually I get a little warning. You know, like that stiff muscle that you can't get to relax no matter what you do. Not this time. I suctioned out my mouth, and WHAM! the pec started to cramp, my what's left of my jaw popped and my neck and shoulders all gave me that WTF! thing and started to hurt themselves. So, I got to watch two out of three routines. They are a very good band. The Boy volunteered to play tuba when they march, because they were one person short, and he does it well. Considering that he only touched one in August, I'd say damn well.
The "Wow" thing is this. I started noticing some things that I hadn't before. I've noticed my legs are getting weaker. And even though I'm still trying to walk they get me every once in a while. The defectors any way. I also know I'm losing upper body strength. That too is a given, but at least they are starting to show a little response to the piddly workout I can do. That, though, makes my pec in my mouth swell and cramp, kind of a catch twenty-two. I can live with that a little.
What I'm noticing is a definitely larger and more frequent bleeding. I used to think it was from the irritation of vurping and not being able to swallow the stomach acid. And while that may be true, it's not the complete picture. I don't see the blood in my saliva like I should, if this were bleeding from my mouth more. I'm not suctioning it up like I had in the past. No, this is coming fresh out the trach tube. All lovely pink mucus and bright red flecks. Now, if I'm aspirating the mucus, then it would be that way, and I think some of it is. When the cancer in my throat and mouth was bleeding I could taste the blood. More oft than not, I can't taste it. Has the cancer decided my lungs are a good place to hang out? It may have. In the long run it's not going to make a lot of difference if it is, so getting it looked at is a monumental waste of time and money. I am assuming it's in there, but as we all know assume makes an ass out of u and me.
I also tire more rapidly. Way more rapidly. I start out pretty well on my walk, and then it all just goes at once. No warning, just tired. Hard to keep the legs shuffling, the whole bag of worms. Liz mentioned yesterday that we should check into getting me a temporary handicapped mirror card. I agreed. Which is also odd for me. Last week I'd have told her she was out of her ever loving, pea picking mind. Not so much now. My right leg is really weak since it's missing a goodly chunk of it's quad, I give it a break. My left leg tries to overcompensate for my right, and it gets tried as well. The added use of my right leg makes my irritated sciatic nerve really angry. That's alright, I expect that. Knowing that everything is connected, all this also makes my shoulders and neck hurt like a mother.The pain takes the fire out of my day and makes it a pain in the ass to even get up and waddle ass around. So I am doubling up my pain patch today to see if that helps, and hopefully won't make me so groggy that I can't get around on my own. Time will tell the tale on that particular bag of fun and games.
I was asked the other day, "What are the good things about your life today? I already know the bad things, what's going on that makes today worth getting up for?" I kinda had to think about that a second, oddly enough. I'd think that would be a real easy list to fill out. Turns out it's not. Not that I don't have a lot of things that make it worth getting up and getting around for. Or reasons that I keep trying to do more things on a daily basis.
Here's what I came up with: It's good just to get out of the recliner and get around. Any day alive, that I can function in, that's got to be a BIG Positive.
I see my kids and grandkid. Some of my best shows up in those kids, and the grandson, he's just funny. He's 6 and that's a good age to be around.
I hug Liz every chance I get. Being able to hold my lover's hand is always a plus for me. I probably don't do that often enough. But it's enough, I think. At least she's not told me to hit the road, Jack
Even out here there are a few mornings and evenings with pretty sunrise and sunsets. No where near as often as in Kansas
I can still read. Well, up until the last week or so. I get tired and face plant into the book I'm reading. I hope that adjusts it's self.
So yeah, it looks as if I get to stay alive another day and see if that all comes true
Book of Rock: Your strength is what makes you who you are. Not physically strong. Rather strong in spirit and mind.
I hear a lot from people "I can't do what you're doing" Of course you can, I'd rather you never have to go through what I am, but still, yes you can do this. You can because I say you can. Find the self confidence to learn to either work around your fears, or come to terms with them. You can do this, and probably better than I
Get your boobs checked ladies, for yourself and your family.
Love ya, and shit
