Monday started off great! I had a little limp, probably because I was up and walking around Sunday carrying a two year old. Not much weight, really, but a proving package of how much I've lost muscle and stamina wise. In and of itself, the limp wasn't jack shit. What was cool, though, was the fact I hadn't felt as good in the morning as I had in the month or so. I was pain free, okay, pain was at a 4, but for lately that's about half what I normally have. Even with the increase in pain med patches. It eases off most days down to a two or three. But Monday, wow, I was feeling great. Went to lymphedema therapy and had less fluid backed up than I'd had in months. After working that out and getting it moving, I had zero pain. Why, I felt right as rain! That was around 0900. I still felt damn good come 1000 hrs. Then at around 1100 hrs I began to feel strange. Not woozy strange, just off a bit.
By 1130, I was getting some pain back. My voice, which had gotten a lot stronger, was back down to a whisper, and hurt to use it. This is bullshit. Sure enough, over the next two hours I felt worse and worse. My pain went up to a seven, so I took a little break out pain med. That trimmed it down to a four, which is more than bearable for me. Voice got weaker, and by the end of the day, I was hacking up a little blood now and then. Nothing like Friday, Saturday or Sunday, but still a bit. Damn, here I thought I was going to get a day where I didn't have any bullshit to deal with. Where Liz and I, since she took the day off, could do something together. Nope, because when I get to feeling badly, I tend to drop off and sleep. Which I did. Liz went out shopping, and I should have gone with her, but to over come the limp I'd have had to taken the damn walker, and that just frosts my cupcakes. So, I can't blame the cancer for not going with Liz, that's all on me and my stubborn vanity. But, it was starting to take it's toll when I made that decision.
By taking it's toll, it had kind of knocked my moral in the nuts by starting back in with the pain after waking up at 0400 without a lot of pain and feeling really great. Naw, Cancer isn't going to give Rock an entire day to feel semi normal, that ain't gonna happen. It takes it's toll by making my right leg ache more than it was, causing me to limp worse around the house, and eventually damn near shuffle. Fortunately it's not affected my equilibrium, so I don't have to sweat falling down, or being dizzy. By taking it's toll, it tossed on enough of everything, just enough, that I kept nodding off. That's no fun when you're out shopping with your wife. I used to hate shopping. Now I kinda look at it like something Liz and I can do together. It takes it's toll because at some point yesterday, I let it get to me. I can't allow that very often, and I missed when it started, or I might have been able to stop it from bugging me. I hate when the damn cancer gets cocky enough it thinks it can get to me and bring me down. Fuck me if it didn't get to me yesterday. That's not something that happens, because I won't let it. Maybe I was feeling a bit too euphoric about having a good day and just let the obvious signs slip past. Either way, I let cancer have it's way with me mentally. That shit ain't happening again.
In my case at least, the cancer can't have me mentally. I won't let it drag my dick into the dirt. Once that starts and if you don't get a grip on it it'll kill ya. The damn stuff is killing off my body a little bit at a time. Silver lining: I'm in a position, given the wide time frame, that I can get all the stuff that needs finished to make life easier for Liz when I do die. Therefore, I can not and will not allow the cancer to get into my head and sow it's seeds of doubt. It's a sneaky bastard, but I'm sneakier. The cancer just doesn't realize what an adversary it has in me. So, when I finally noticed it had gotten to me, I turned that around and in a few hours felt more like myself than Captain Piss n Moan. It lost again. It put up a nice flanking move to get inside my head, and was real close to getting a handhold, but it missed. At the very least, this is how I beat cancer even when it kills my body off. I won't have lost because it never got to me mentally. It never drove me down to the point I don't care anymore. That's how I win.
Being on that damn emotional roller coaster isn't doing you any good either. Feeling too high about the highs, and getting lower than low when those times come will wear your body down just as fast and the cancer. The trick is to allow a bit of the highs, and a bit of the lows, so when averaged out, you keep a pretty flat line as far as your mental state goes. I won't lie to you, I get down just like everyone else, but I don't let it bug me for more than an hour or two. It's inescapable, a person is going to get down in the mouth. It's our nature. It's why we have feelings. Being down in the mouth happens, the trick is to kick it in the nuts and walk off after a couple of hours. That and being able to recognize when that's happening. Sometimes it's real easy to spot. You get that "I don't care" attitude about everything. Which is different than an "I could give a shit" attitude. I'll let you all sort out the difference, but there is one. Then you get the "I don't wanna get up to feed myself". If it's gone that far, your depressed and may have more trouble getting out from under that bus, but it can be done. I won't say it's easy, because it's not, and being able to do that kind of work on your own isn't for everyone. If you need the help, get it. Cancer thrives on misery. Don't let it get another stepping stone by not getting help with depression if you need it.
I'm wired differently, maybe, but I don't ever not see the best in every situation. Like going terminal. I see I have the chance to get done the things I'd put off for almost 5 years. Those are now finished. I see the chance to make amends where I might need to. I hope those are about finished. It's a time to reconnect with old friends and new, and maybe show them there are other ways to see your life. If I can do that with one person, then I've beaten cancer with that one little step.
I see life as an opportunity to learn something new. Every day of every year. There are so many things to see, touch, experience in every day life, I don't know how a person can miss them. I've been within 10' of an elk herd, just sitting quietly in the bushes, watching them bed down the calves, and sentries. It's neat. You have to be damn quiet, not move, and hope the wind stays at your face. I've watched High Horizons for well over 40 years, and still am amazed at the amount of detail you can see in them. I don't see them as much here as I did in SW Kansas, but they still happen. Damn amazing to see cars rolling down the highway when you know for a fact they are 25-30 miles away. Cool shit. I see somethings more clearly, and other things I took for granted forever and a day. It's nice to see things with fresh eyes. It's a damn shame that I had to get terminal cancer to start looking more closely at my surroundings. Not the obvious surroundings, those I always paid attention to. You know, like the guy moping around a parking lot, or the lone wolf at a bar who you can tell thinks he's tougher than he is, especially after 4 or 5 drinks. But the stuff that matters. Such as how quickly the colors of the sky change with the coming sunrise, or sunset for that matter. The little looks that everyone in my family has over things they like or don't like. And each one is a little different. My oldest daughter's booming laugh, the youngest daughter's subdued laugh. My youngest son's way deep giggle, and my oldest son's in between all of those other kids laughs. Lilting conversation. Sometimes even just hearing their breathing. That doesn't happen often, because my tinnitus won't let me hear that anymore. But there are days it lays down enough for me to catch that.
I can't work, but I have the chance now to go back over some of the things I'd been working on and toward before I got sick. I can work out problems with the mechanics of it in my head. That's a cool mental exercise. I went out to the field office once and was talking to my boss about how to improve the pumper to Well Tech relationship. We'd talked about it before, and I'd laid out a rough plan before I got sick. Stuck it in a desk drawer and had planned on fine tuning it when the field slowed down. I missed that chance, but the boss hadn't forgotten. And using his ideas and mine both, they are making that Well Tech job into what should be the company standard for being an "Instrument Tech 1". It's a lot more work than what some see a Well Tech doing. But I see it as finally defining the key roll a Well Tech can play in being an active aid to both the pumpers and the Assistant field foreman. It would make the decision process so much easier, and I think will improve production over time. And that, boys and girls, should be every pumper, well tech, foreman, field foreman, and supervisor goal. To produce more oil with less expense. It's possible and can be done
So that's all my bloviating for one day. Y'all go forth and be happy. Even when it's bad, it's secretly good in there someplace. Go find that and you're moral and the moral of everyone around you will improve
Bones and Nachos
