Okay, this is a time of lasts and firsts. I've got a lot of last time things I'm working on finishing. It's easy to keep up with folks via Facebook and the internet, but I still like to "press the flesh". Yes, that makes my eyes leak copious amounts of water. And I've decided instead of walking away like I did in McPherson, and leaving my wife holding the bag for me, I'll stay and let them leak. After all, some of these meetings may be our last in person. My friends deserve better than my back because I'm too self centered to let the water works start. I can fix that. That's one of the firsts, for certain. I've always felt that when someone was crying I should try and fix it so they didn't cry any longer. I can't fix this. I'm dying, it's miserable, sometimes I get incredibly sad, why wouldn't I share that with people who care about me and my family? I'm stubborn, that's why. And a little selfish. I've always considered my tears my own, and I don't like to share them with anyone. Through this entire thing, I don't think Liz has caught me welled up more than a couple of times. One of them I couldn't stop. I heard my own voice. Not the one I have now, this one sucks and is getting worse. I hate that people feel bad when I speak and they say "I'm sorry, I didn't get any of that". It makes them feel badly and in some cases they turn a bit red from embarrassment. I'll tell you today, don't feel that way at all. I know what I want to say, and to me 99% of it comes out clear. I know that's not the case, it's why I carry a pad and pen, so we can communicate. So, lay off feeling guilty or sad that you can't understand me. We will make do, somehow. Don't think another thing about it.
On the new front. Well, it seems like the old body has all kinds of tricks it's yet to show me. I don't know what it is, but I've been so snot filled lately that I choke on the darn stuff. That's new, even when things were blooming, in harvest, or being let lay fallow, I didn't have this kind of problem. Not just the swallowing part either, but the incredible increase in shear volume. It's making it hard to sleep, without constant interruption. I'm no stranger to interrupted sleep insomnia, I've had that for years. But to wake up feeling like you're choking, that's something else entirely. I'm gonna have to move back to the recliner full time, so The Lovely can get all the rest she needs. The other first is finding out I can sleep at lot, not just at on long stretch, which I prefer. Sometimes it's okay, but, like this morning I dropped off and slept so long I missed taking The Boy to school. I hate when I do that, and it's becoming more frequent. I'm told that's normal, and since the cancer is moving along at it's own pace, so will my ability to just drop off at will. Even with no place to go, in particular, and as fast as I wear out, it's one of the things I'm finding I don't like at all. "Well, this is just part of the process" is becoming a phrase that I will hear more often now as well. And it's not a process I can slow down or stop at this point. That giving up control thing really sucks panda ass.
Everyones world changes for them, almost daily, but most of the time it's too small to even notice. Such as, most of us feel a little less spry than we did even 5 years ago. With the exception of a couple of people I know, they are the exceptions that prove the rule. Things like moving a little slower, or having more creaks and pops while we work or stand up. You might even think, "Damn, this just started" when in fact it's just the first you've noticed it. With me it's like the getting tired faster and taking longer to recover. Looking back it wasn't just BAM, I can't do that as well anymore. And if I'm honest with myself, most of what I have going on now was several weeks in the making and not just popping up over night. For a while I've been having to force myself to use all 8 cans of formula daily to eat. Yesterday was truly the first time, though, to only slug down six. I was just too tired, my mouth and throat ached and I wasn't hungry. That's a first of literally making the decision to no eat. There have been days when I've forgotten, but none that were intentional. My changes, and I'm sure they build up if I'd pay attention, seem to come in spurts. Several things that are happening, I don't recall happening with any frequency early on. Some of the things I can take in stride, others are kind of shocking to me. Like the recovery time. I know in my mind that's going to happen, but I don't recall it taking this long to recover after trips. It's been 2 months since my last trip to Houston, and I know that it took one solid day to recover. I'm headed into the sixth day since we started the Kansas trip, and I'm not back to where I was, yet. I may not get there, either. It appears that road trips wear me out physically. So, one more trip in October and I figure I'll have to stop those.
I also find I've got a great network of friends both old and new. It's amazing and humbling, and I thank all of you for letting me be part of your life. It's a great feeling and one I hope I can live up to in your eyes. Seems like you all look past my faults and foibles, and that's the best gift ever. The folks at McPherson Highland Games, they surprised me twice. Once on Saturday and once on Sunday. I never expect the kindness, because, to me, I'm still just another guy on the field. They are great folks indeed. And the same hold true for all my friends, old and new. It's great and I appreciate each and every one of you guys. It's been a long time coming for me to admit I can't do everything alone, and actually do need some help from time to time. Thanks for being patient with me. I may be hard headed, but I see the light eventually. Family and friends, the two greatest treasures a person can have. I'm wealthy beyond measure. That's a damn good thing.
Okay, I've dosed off twice writing this darn thing, once for over two hours. I'm boring myself to death.
Orders for the day: Give someone a hug, can't hurt either one of you. WAIT!! Be careful with that. In this day and age some dipshit is libel to sue you for sexual harassment! You get the idea though. Try making someone feel good. It may only be a couple of words. But you can change someone's day with a kind statement or a hug. Be cool, hear?
