I Believe Ahab Had the Proper Wording.

    "To the last I grapple with thee; from Hell's heart I stab at thee; for Hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.." Thanks, Herman Melville, you've summed up how I feel about the cancer that's stalking my very life, and skinning it down a bit at a time. I was reminded of the lines from "Moby Dick" by a friend of mine, Daric Smith, who was talking to another friend of mine, Starla Craig, about my Terminal Velocity. It's interesting, that I should be thinking this same thing around the time Daric told me about the conversation with Star. Was it projecting? Who knows, and in the long run, coincidence or just blind luck, it's pretty cool. It's this way, because both times I've fought the damn cancer I felt exactly like Ahab. I couldn't put my finger on it, but that's it, the precise wording and emotion. I surrender a bit of my humanity to fight this silent, slippery fucking killer. I do so, because I know no other way to fight when it's close to trying to kill me. Even with another human, as has happened once. I gave up every ounce of my humanity and compassion one time taking down a crank addict that had beaten a friend of mine's daughter. I didn't stop, not until I was satisfied he wouldn't hurt me or the people I was with. They thought I did kill him, actually. I held on very close to damn near too long. It's what I do with the cancer. Only this time, we will go out together. Neither one of us have the inclination to quit, neither one of us has the will to stop, both of us are animalistic in our approach to killing each other. The cancer is taking away the things I held dear about myself, in order to lower my morale and resistance. I, on the other hand, have sacrificed those things as well, so I can get another grip, force him back down, and continue the duel for a month, a day, an hour. I'm not certain how long, but it is going to take as long as it's going to take. In the end, I will allow Cancer to take my body, and in doing so, this container that holds "Me" will also kill Cancer. It's the sacrifice that will leave my family and friends without my person, but hopefully still holding onto my spirit. In the end, isn't that all any of us can control? How we are perceived is up to the individual, and like anything else, the individual will determine for themselves if we've lived a worthwhile life. In that, I certainly lay my hope.

     Should I have played this out this time? With all the surgeries, chemo, pain, loss of a very dear part of myself, my voice, worry from my loving and caring wife, concerned children. All those things and many more on one side of the scale. It's a heavy load that. On the other side of the scale is (this matters most, in my small mind) Fight it, you lazy shit. You do what you need to do, then extra. Do NOT bend a knee, bow your head, or lie down to simply give in. No, that's not in my nature. It's a hard spot, and a place that puts my family in the same hard spot. That's where the metal hits the meat. In order to make my stand, my close at hand family has to be dragged in right along side me. The siblings, 412 miles north and east, they get dragged in as well. They get the worst of it, too. For that I am truly sorry. I will try to make amends before the entire things chews me up, and I have to let the body die to kill the cancer. The confidence in myself that I've always had runs that raggedy edge of being cocky and an egoist in the first degree. I've prided myself in making tough decisions, and accepting the consequences as the may fall, good or ill. Part of that is what drives me, at the same time part of that is what held me back at my profession. I simply failed to be a diplomat, since that would put a kink in what I believed was the honorable thing to do. You know, don't compromise, constantly point out to the people up the chain from you where they screwed up, usually with a heart felt and terribly loud "Told ya". I still slept well at night. I enjoyed what I was doing, and when questioned as to why I didn't change to get a promotion, I honestly told them "If I'm hugging the well head, I've got a hundred times better chance of having a job the day after the lease sells than you'll have." Very truthful. Also, I've out lasted a few bosses that were complete dick heads and pricks with feet. One I saw around four years ago, he was in our office at Notrees, after Apache bought the lease from Anadarko. I smiled, shook his hand and gave him a pocket knife. "Thanks, Rock, but what's this for?".  "Oh, Liz finally got the last one out of my back that you stabbed in there."  Laughs from a couple of Apache wigs, several other people, and myself. Odd, though, the old prick foreman found no humor in that.  To answer my own question. Ya damn rights I played this out just like I have. It's been the best of times for me, right along with the worst of times for me.  Sadly, it also comes at a price from the family. As with any choice, the price is usually not paid by one person on their own, but is scattered out among several, and not all of those get equal shares of the pain.

    I never realized how much fun it was to be married to a woman who grew with me, and surpassed me at being a force of nature in her own right. She is the cannon that can return my fire with extra zeal and accuracy. She brought the absolute finest in myself. Some of which I'd thought I'd buried years before, but she saw it, and wormed it out of me. I've given her my best and worst, and she has matched me at both, and has run passed me like I was standing still on the best side of the scales. It works out that she still holds me in her hands. She takes my breath away when she comes in the room, can make me cry, laugh, and dance an Irish jig all in a matter of minutes of each other.
   Some time back, in between the fisticuffs I know as cancer, I was having my weekly visit with the Almighty and asked what I did to deserve such a wonderful woman to share my life with. He answered that it cuts both ways on that you dim wit. She asks herself the same question as you asked me. "You mean she asked what she did to deserve a woman like me?" Wrong, Mr Classclown, but you knew that. Maybe she does ask herself that. I've heard her call me her hero, knight in shining armor, and a whole slew of things I just never saw or see myself as being. She sees in me the things I want to be, but never have thought I'd achieved. I am in her debt, for the love she shows, her ability to balance me out. For fighting for me with doctors and insurance. Strong, strong woman. Why in God's good name would anyone want a woman who had to have everything dictated and spelled out for her, is beyond me.  One of the guys that was a Sr when I was a sophomore, Brian, calls our wives "The Gift". More fitting really, than "The Lovely", since Liz has always been lovely as far as I can tell, and she truly is a gift. A gift that keeps on giving of herself, and asks so little of me in return.


All right, I've rambled and blown off time like no tomorrow.  All y'all are loved and in my heart. Now, stay the hell outta my head! I've gotta get more bread LOL