Sleep Silly Boy

   I am beginning to sleep almost 50/50 day and night. Not quite, though, because I can't seem to fall asleep this evening. I'm not sure why, unless it was the five hrs I slept between Noon and Five PM. I made some B-nana and Chocolate Puddings from scratch.  Then, after the Chocolate cooled enough, I put it and B-nana pudding alternating in parfait glasses and topped them with home done Whipped Cream.  The directions say "cover with plastic wrap so the pudding doesn't get a 'skin' on top as it cools". When I was a kid, that was my favorite part of home made pudding. Even if it was Jello Pudding mix, it got that extra cool skin on it while it cooled. I can almost taste it just talking about it. Wild isn't it?  The damnable shame of that is I can't taste or smell it, but when I'm cooking it, I can see my mom standing over the stove in the kitchen in our house in Gorham.  One time in November of 1963, mom was making chili for our supper, I was in the living room watching TV, then ran into the kitchen to tell Mom that the President had just been shot. She came into the living room and checked. Sure enough, President Kennedy had been shot. It was the first time I'd seen Mom cry. Neither Mom or Dad voted for him, I found out later, and much to my poor judgement, I never asked why that got such an emotional response. It was, though, a seemingly simpler time and I firmly believe the amount of cynicism was very low. To be honest, Kennedy saw farther ahead than the politicians today. Into space and land on the moon before the end of the 60's? Bold statement that based itself on the idea that the USA was a great nation and that we could and SHOULD lead the world. God I miss that kind of pride in the country

   Man, I am becoming the Sleep King (tonight excluded, too long a nap), I can rattle off time in the sack, then a nap in the morning or afternoon, or both. I had close to a five hour nap this afternoon, which is like a straight sleep for me during my healthy period. I've got stress issues in worrying about the family. They do okay for a while, then it's a bit of a high tension and stress, then they go back to being almost all okay. It's very hard for a family to watch a parent slowly dying. Really slowly. At times I think I've been here around four to ten months to fucking long. When I ache all over, then get a sinus head ache, my joints start to snap and pop, and at times I can't get my left arm over my head. I swear it's enough to make you step off the curb in front of a bus. Okay, not really, but you get the drift. I believe that maybe I'm not seeing enough of the big picture, but rather those little anecdotes that pop something loose in my memory, and in turn that sends me spiraling into the Land of Tiny Details. It gets to the point it's like not seeing the forest for the trees. I hear quite often that I'm still waddling around because of some unfinished business with the Alpha and Omega, The Beginning and the End. I truly wish if that were so, I wonder if we can expedite the process. I can't see what I'm missing, other than some things at home. Those things are being attended too right now, I'm hoping that is all that I need do. Or, I wait to see if this is all that I need to have finished, then I can lay down and rest. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever picture myself as an inspiration to others. At times I can't inspire myself, let alone family or friends. What a pisser of a note, huh? This evening, into these wee hours of the morning, I've vacillated between being up, and being down. I'm here to tell you that is some boring shit. And completely out of character. If you can show me where and how, it won't be a bid huge fall, and decent cushion on the bottom makes it a nice ride. The entire business of being terminal is just so disjointed, it won't allow you to make a set schedule. That's only going to get worse. Sooner rather than later, I hope. I'm practically worn out to the bone, I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I would love to have one day where all I had was the old sore knee with a pop that sounds like a .22 Long, the shoulder that creaks like it needs some hinges oiled, and the occasional cough and sneeze from some of the blooming plants. Mesquite always, cotton not always, and a large and sundry list of DNW's and wildflowers. (DNW's are "Damn Noxious Weeds")

  Okay kids, contemporaries, family, nurses, doctors , friends, and the strangers with a kind word or small deed. I notice, even when you think I didn't, I notice and am grateful for all of you.

Roc