So, I finally get about 5 hours of sleep, only awake twice and only for a few minutes each time. That's nice. Unfortunately I'm going to have to crash on the recliner. I might not have woken up at all if I'd not been in bed. I can't keep the angle right to keep from choking just a little, and coughing more than just a little. I'd rather be in bed with my wife. I like her a lot, and she's like a little pastry oven these days, where as I get chilly. The world has truly turned upside down. We used to be 180 degrees different. I slept above the covers because I melted (unless Liz was PG, then no one was more of an oven) and Liz froze. I liked those days. Now I can barely stay warm enough. Weird.
As per my rant yesterday, the change in drugs works. I'm not nearly as snotty, and I'm coughing about 75% less. This is a good thing. It also means I'm in a lot less pain, which is even better. I'd been telling them I had to crush my Prilosec to take it since January. That's not supposed to happen, but it was the only way to get it into the PEG tube so I could ingest it. Finally, I get liquid. Gosh, it's nice to to vurp a little, and not feel like I'd swallowed a tablespoon of Drano. One of the physical problems is a weak and 95% functioning esophageal sphincter (i said "sphincter", heh heheheheh heh). It doesn't close as tightly as it should. So instead of everything staying in my stomach where it belongs, I get little dabs of things in my throat and mouth. I'm honestly hoping that as the cancer moves along it closes that damn problem. It's nasty as hell to burp a little, and carry some fricking formula into the back of my throat where I can't swallow it, or suction it, but can taste that rancid shit. I can tell I've overloaded, not because I feel full, but because I can taste what ever it is I put in the tube. Sometimes that's not a bad thing. Other times, like a good vurp or too much formula too fast, it's enough to make a feller vomit. Which is also no fun. It's worse than testing a cheese grater on the back of your thigh. The joys of Terminal Velocity are many, yes indeed.
I've been able to write the blog, and get some small stuff done, like make it to therapy. But as far as concentration goes, I can't read a damn book. A video game? No problem. I start to read a book though, and in a couple of minutes I'm asleep. I've got two I really want to read, and I'm going to give it a shot again today, but this is something new and odd for me. Normally I can read through a decently written, and well plotted novel in a day. Say from, 0900 to 2100. That's eating and a nap thrown in. That's not the case now, it seems. And this is something new in the last two weeks. I reread the last Lee Child novel one afternoon, just for kicks, about two weeks ago. I can't even get a good start on the last two that were given me. That's somewhat problematic for me, on a personal note. I'm not certain if it's burn out from reading so many books this spring and summer. Although that's never been a problem for me. I've read as many as six novels in a week, but have done that before as well. So I don't believe it's that. I don't think it's physical, because I'm too clear headed. I don't get lost or distracted too easily, so I don't think it's that. And one is an author I've always enjoyed, so I'm not sure what the deal is. I'll sort that out soon enough, I'm certain.
Things I miss. Hmmmm, quite a long list, so let's prioritize it a bit. My oldest son. We got to the ages where we are buddies. Not just father and son, but friends as well. I liked when I was able to be that with my dad. It's something else, too. We never stop being parents, but it's a different thing when the kids start leading their own lives with goals and ambitions. I'm proud of him, as I am all my kids. We haven't really text each other for a couple of weeks. He's in a hectic place right now, looking at a promotion and the decisions that that will involve. I've got all the faith that he'll make a decision based on what is best for him. He's sharp, and driven. I'm very proud.
I miss seeing the Flint Hills in Kansas. My parents lived there and my dad's family was from there for years. His grandfather Smith was raised along the Walnut river with Osage Indians when he was small. Not many can say that. They are pretty hills with great Bluestem grass that's wonderful for cattle to summer upon, terrible for them to winter upon, unless it's cut into meadow hay. When it goes dormant it loses all it's nutrients. Unlike buffalo grass that carries some, Bluestem is just filler. Cattle can starve on it even if it's waist high. The creeks, streams, springs, hills and rivers are all pretty. It's the place of my childhood summers and holiday visits with the grandparents. I will miss seeing them.
The country around Hays, Gorham, and Russell Ks, and points east. All pretty country. Lot's of history in there as well. It's where I grew up as a kid, including a year and a half in Great Bend, Ks. I'll miss seeing that part of the country. Thanks to Douglas Kressly for throwing a good Highland Game in Lucas Kansas. I'm glad I got to be at one of them. It got me back up into that part of the world one more time. I'd forgotten how much I liked it there. It's a shame I can't make the living in Kansas that I do in Texas, but that's just how things work. I'm glad we made the move out here. It's been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Doesn't mean I still won't miss my home state.
There are tons of things I'm going to miss. And I'll try and hit on some of those as time goes along. Mostly because they bring back memories, which is a good thing. But also with the hope that some of it rubs off on other folks, and they go check on things they'd been missing as well, before it gets too late. I don't sweat the stuff I didn't get to see. Those things would have been nice, but they are wants, not "I did that" things. The things I've done, those are what matters most. Wish in one hand, shit it the other to see which fills up faster. That's something I've heard all my life. Wishing is fine, but making it happen is where it's at, not just hoping it happens. I've tried to do that. Every day should have something in it that is new. And for me it always has, and still does. That's as it should be, correct?
Late last week and even some into this week, I was beginning to doubt I'd make it to Fort Worth for my friend's Highland Games on the 26th of October, and at least part of the 27th of October. I doubted it for almost 5 hours. Then I resolved to go. I don't care how hard it is on me, I'll be there. Not only because I want to see some friends that may show up at the games, but also for myself. It's a proving ground. It's also going to be my last fairly long trip. Woe is me to the day that a 700 plus mile round trip is a long trip, but that's how it stands now. I was reluctant to go in part because of my own vanity. I may have to use the walker to get around. My legs are going and I may need the help. My vanity was appalled I'd even think about doing that. My vanity is an asshole. I choose to ignore my vanity and do what I want to, without input from that simpleton. If I have to use it, that's just how it's going to be. If I don't, well that's a win I wasn't expecting and I'll revel in that little victory. I'm not particularly brave, I'm stubborn. I don't like to lose, especially to myself, so I'll be going. Just to spite myself
Book of Rock, Chapter 50, verse 10: "It pays to know someone seedier than you are. You never know when the people they know will come in handy is a bad situation". I've seen that to be true, and it has been for me. Keep that in mind.
Love and all that shit.
Later
