I could use a little break from the action. You know, dying from cancer seems to be a difficult enough without adding a sore throat, an over abundance of mucus, and vomiting. I must be sick, I'm whining about being sick. I can't even enough, in the in the PEG tube, to have my favorite "I'm Sick" meals. I mean, geez, didn't they think that someone, somewhere, will be some poor sick fella that would, canned Chicken Noodle soup. But not without pulverizing it. I've tried it puree'd enough to get in the tube. I even dipped my finger in it so I could get a little taste. It tasted like crap. I have a malfunctioning esophageal sphincter. It won't close all the way, so if I feed fast enough, I alway get a taste of what ever it is I'm ingesting. It tastes like crap, the puree'd soup does. Now, in all honesty, bean with bacon soup tastes pretty decent. But not so with chicken noodle soup. How odd is that?
So, anyway, I got a decent night's sleep Thursday night and was hoping for the same on Friday. I even fell asleep at about the same time. Only Friday I awoke at 2230 only to find I'm coughing my head off, and feel like I'm drowning. I really hate that part. I'm afraid of practically nothing, drowning is at the top of a very short list. And that feeling is absolutely miserable. Besides being a bit scary. I hate being scared. I was awake about 20 minutes and knowing full well that if I didn't stop coughing soon I was going to vomit. BINGO! I started vomiting too. That's so much non fun. I don't have a soft palate, so every time I vomit, no matter how hard I try, it goes up my sinuses and out my nose. It burns, it makes my eyes water, and it's damn hard to get blown out of my nose. The simple things that I used to do for
myself are no longer that simple or easy. I also despise that little piece of cancer pie. Anyway, I cough for about another hour or so, all the time trying to control the vomiting while so I can get some meds into me. That finally happens and I get some pain killer and some cough syrup in. I doze off about 0130 and sleep until 0430. Not much, but better than no sleep at all. I also have dozed off three times trying to get this written. The last time let me sleep pretty decently until around 0745. Two and a half hours of sleep seems to have been better not.
So, while I'm coughing, I'm trying to find something positive about the entire time. It turns out that I didn't need that to be positive. And I found it. I am coughing and I'm angry and hurt. Hell's fire I'm alive, right? Can't beat that with a stick. Sure, it'd be nice if I was sleeping and not awake until my time came. Silly, that I'm whining about something I can't do anything about. Well at least nothing I can do that I can see me doing. This is almost as much mental as physical. Well, all but the coughing. I can see that stoping soon. That's a nice, huge positive. So yeah, it's been a shitty night. I see folks on FB wishing I didn't have to got through this, and that's they'd take it from me. Thank you so much, and I'd not do that to my worst enemy. This isn't fun, but I own it in its entirety at this point and I'm just selfish enough to not let it go now. Ask me again in a couple of months and I might just hand the whole thing off. I'm finally getting really sleepy too. I'm not sure how long I can hang in with the blog. What a riot!! I'm dozing off during the episode of TV that happens to be on at the moment. Not that Sponge Bod Squarepants is scary, but he can be if you've got enough drugs in your system! I've got a lump of something at the back of my throat I can't suction out. It's yuck
This is where I've got to stop for the day. I'm afraid I'll doze off and drool into the keyboard. Then I'd have to do this with some PC notebook, instead of my beloved Mac. I've dozed enough that I've lost almost another hour this morning. Not that I don't need the sleep, I do. So I'm gonna jump it with both feet, as soon as I finish this
Be good to each other today. Sometimes that's harder than one might think.
Love all y'all
