Damn, maybe I'm Not Strong Enough

  When I started this blog, I swore I'd take all of you along with me, bad, good, horrid, indifferent, regardless of what was going on, I'd write about it, so that if any one of you have to face it yourself, or with a loved one, it wouldn't be so scary. You'd have an idea of what was going on, in generalities, because each person is different. That was the intent. Lately, though, I've not kept up with this daily, or even weekly, and I apologize. To do it right, I need to write something, even if it's "I'm too tired" or "I'm hurting to much", so you all at least know that I'm able to communicate and continue on. It's getting terribly difficult to do that. I went to get coffee with the guys three times this week. It's still nice to be around them and some other folks, but it's getting harder to force myself to do that. I do it to prove that it's not beaten  me down yet. The fucking cancer is trying, but I'm just arguing with it all the time to leave me the hell alone. It, like teenage kids, is not listening. I believe it's found a chink in my armor and it whittling away at that, daily. The truth is, I keep out lasting how long I think I would have made it, and it's scooting in on ten months since I got the word. Maybe it's pissed off and it working more steadily. Maybe it's pissed off and is taking some time to gather up some power shots and overly strong kicks. That's really what it feels like. I don't notice much change, then all at once, wow. The last three weeks have been "The Wow" kind of weeks. Things hit really hard the last three weeks. I get adapted to one new set of fun, and another starts up, adapt to those two and and third hit me Saturday. Wow

   
  It's been tough. Not only on me, but family and friends as well. I thought, well I still think, that I was strong enough to carry this load and help everyone else as well. Some days I doubt that I am that strong. I also think I'm letting a lot of folks down. There's no basis for that, I don't believe, but I feel that way. Mostly family. I feel like I didn't do enough for all of them. That my guidance to my siblings was weak and so flawed. Yes, I felt responsible for being a guide for them as well as my own. I know I've not shown that enough lately, that's my shortcoming and I don't think I can fix that with the time I've got left. That should have been done for the last thirty years, not thirty months. I made some decisions that were very hard for me, and maybe they weren't the right decisions, but they are made, the consequences have come and done their thing and now it's time to look ahead a bit. I hope that those people who feel I let them down, shorted them in some way, or made them feel badly about themselves can find the room in their hearts to forgive me, as I ask them to, and have asked in the past.
 
  Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was when this all started. Maybe that's been me fooling myself. Could be, I hope as this goes along I am as strong as I thought and projected. I've always told people, "If I'm  not smiling or laughing when I tell you I'll do something, it'll get done." I always tried to live up to my own hype. I'd say I've made it about 90% of the time. That's pretty bold, 90% success rate. I'll leave that up to some of my buds. I know that in the last 10 or 12 years, I've been asked and gladly helped, cover people's backs when they expected trouble.  I've helped several people move up the ladder ahead of myself. For two reasons, really.They were young men, smart, gung-ho, and tried to do things right the first time. Much to my pride and pleasure they moved right along and moved up with the companies I've worked for, which makes me very happy for them. Now, the question is, why didn't I bust in for myself and take those jobs? The only job I ever wanted, other than pumping, was well tech. I had no interest in being a foreman, or anything higher. I liked helping to train the new guys on how to work safely, what to do in certain situations, and to think ahead just a little. Bragging on myself I think I was a pretty decent instructor, or I hope I was at least. But Well Tech, to me, was the best job I could have for myself. Lots of hands on work, still, a bit of leadership, and enough responsibility that I enjoyed the gig from the first day I worked it until I couldn't any longer.  I should have been doing that eight or ten years sooner, but I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut. It turns out that was my best advise to anyone. Stay shut up, work along, offer ideas and don't get butt hurt if they aren't used. Most importantly don't say "I told you so" if the bosses idea falls on it's ass, they know it did and don't need to hear it from a flunky. That works in any workplace.


  Geez Louise, I've rambled and gone over stuff I've already talked about ad nauseam.

  Truly and honestly? I don't know where I'll find the strength to leave this plane and head toward the great unknown without worry. Not about myself, I'm going, that's written in stone. It's more about family, friends, and acquaintances that I've made over 53 years. Have I given of myself enough to help them? Did they find something in themselves they didn't see, but I tried to show them? Man, I hope so. I'll leave a bit more comfortably if that's the case.


I'd love to ramble on, but I'm tired, sore, and worn out from being both. Love y'all. Be good, hear?