It's been my week to piss people off, and it's only Tuesday. That's getting close to a new record for me. I used some very strong language on my Aunt's FaceBook status. Something I shouldn't have done, apologized for, and set a new rule for myself. Without going into detail, I won't be offering any help, good, bad, or indifferent to the person that needed it. Not ever.
So, along with my volatile temper, I'm finding that I don't drain fluid throughout my body as well as it did even a month ago. That makes for different kinds of pain in a lot of different places. The Lymphedema massage helps greatly. At least for now. My face as of this morning isn't as swollen on either side. The area around where the put the pectoral muscle isn't rock hard like it was yesterday. My neck is somewhat reduced as well. Twice a week is all I'm scheduled for, but that does wonders. When it ceases to help, and it will, I'm going to miss the help it does give. It reduces all different kinds of pain for me in more than one area. The retention of the fluid balls up in my neck. That makes my traps sore, which in turn makes the area around my shoulder blades sore, which also makes my lats sore. And in some cases just plain damned sensitive. On the way to the Therapist yesterday, my lats and shoulders got to hurting and spasming enough I was afraid I'd have to stop and get someone to come get me. Bad enough little drops of water fell out of my eyes for a few minutes. Then it all kinda backed off long enough for me to drive that last mile and get in for therapy. I was at an 8 when I went in (told the therapist 6, because she worries if I'm 8 or over on the pain scale), and by the time I left it was down to a 2 on the pain scale. I like that.
My reconstructive pec muscle in my face has been cramping up like there's no tomorrow. More than a few times a day. It also runs the gambit of just a little light cramp, up to and including cramping so hard it pulls me head towards it, and makes the other side of my jaw pop in and out of place. That'll but hair on your chest. First time it happened I was near freak out. Did I panic? I did not! But I wanted to for a second or so. It hurts bad enough I see colors flash past. Reds and blues most often, sometimes orange and yellow. It's base is also still attached to my chest, so when it cramps like that it will pull my noggin down and to the left, and tends to close my left eye. Talk about looking like a cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and Popeye with one squinky eye. As a rule, until the last six or eight days, it only cramped once in a while. That's becoming a time or two every week. And since Sunday, 4 times a day. So far this morning I've managed to miss that. I'm not certain how because the cramping stuff started about 4 yesterday morning and hit about every 4-5 hours all day long. Yesterday and some early this morning was "Let's cough and keep Rocky awake" time. I slept a couple of hours, coughing fit. Chatted with a person online. Fell asleep for about an hour and half. Coughing spell. This time I just stayed up. I did spend the better part of an hour coughing until my sides hurt. It finally slowed up enough to allow me to get my meds in. Got that done, waited a bit, then fed. Fortunately, digging around in my box of feed bags, I found one with large bore tubing. Fifteen minutes to feed. That's a lot better than the forty-five minutes to one hour it takes to get 16 oz of formula in for a portion of my days eating.
I'm going to our field office tomorrow after therapy. Possibly my last trip out. It's only 110 miles round trip, but even that wears on me now. And it's a bit rough emotionally. True, I'm glad to see the guys I work with. But it's hard to think that I'll not be back to work. No, not think that. I know I won't be back to work. I didn't let work define who I was, but I certainly like the challenges it offered. It was nice to be needed and relied upon. I'm at an impasse with that right now. I feel pretty damned useless at home. My strength is going, so I can't carry some of the things I used just reach out and grab. I wear out rapidly, so I can't get accomplished some of the things I'd like to get done on any given day. That's probably why I have very little tolerance for people that whine, or get snotty when you offer them help. I'll work on that, but giving it a try is all I can promise. The same thing goes with someone who has been through cancer treatment, get sick because they HAVE to be out in bad weather, then piss and moan about being sick. I don't believe I have time to coddle over the choices a person makes. Not all mine have been perfect for certain, then again, I don't whine about them either. My purpose of going to the field office is that the HR people are going to be there going over all the stuff in our benefits package. I'm going to be there Poster Boy, and they don't know it yet. I worked way hard keeping the jobs I've had through several boom/bust cycles. It wasn't luck, it was determination. I worked in place of a couple of people, more than once during that period. Never bitched about it either. Just went out and did what they asked of me, to the best of my ability.
The reward for that is keeping all the insurance, stock options, and retirement that I have now. I went where the work was, did what they asked of me, and did that without bitching. Okay, I didn't bitch to anyone but myself. At least not some in ear shot of other people. I chased the money as well. I don't have a college degree, and for what I do that doesn't matter. I always did the best I could, never counted on a raise or even keeping my job. Giant Pet Peeve: People who go to college to acquire a degree in some area of education that you can't make huge money doing. Then they complain that the pay isn't any good, or that the benefits aren't great. You knew that going in, don't piss about something that you've chosen to do in your life, knowing full well what the pay was going to be right out the gate. I've offered different people at different times help in finding a job in West Texas. Oil related for certain. Nearly all of them said "No way I'd live in Texas!!". Fine, fucking starve on unemployment then while you're waiting for the next job that isn't coming around.
I seem to be a bit ranting and rambling this morning. Apparently I was a bit more pissed than I thought I was. I tend to get that way when people are snarky, and expect to be taken care of at my expense. I probably should end this here, lest I become incredibly preachy about being self reliant.
Have fun today. There are far more good things out there than bad. Find those and enjoy them. I'm going to enjoy watching the insides of my eyelids in a bit. Right after I take the boy to school
