Before I get started, I need to clear something up. When I said I needed a break, it wasn't from the blog or anything like that at all. I need a break from the shit that's piling up on me croaking. I don't need an infected PEG tube stoma, I don't need the sinus headache, I don't need the over production of mucus that makes me hack, gag, and vomit. That's what I don't need, and what I DO need a break from, not the blog. Sorry I wasn't clear
Anyway, here I am awake since 2:30, putting Atropine drops on my tongue to dry my mouth out, so I'm not having to suction every two minutes, and wrestling a sinus head ache. I fool around for an hour and half so that things are settled in and I can take my drugs with less chance of throwing them back up in the next fifteen minutes. I really am uncomfortable now. Beyond the normal ache and pain that comes from a stage four cancer that's making it's way through my body. The new stuff on top of the usual suspects isn't being very nice and I'm not impressed with it at all. I'm hoping in a few days it starts to slack off a bit. In retrospect, the only thing that seemed to have jumped out right away was the stoma infection. It makes the entire area around my tube tender and is nasty. If it doesn't clear up pretty quickly, I may have to cancel my lymphedema therapy for next week. I hate to miss that, because it goes a long way to helping control my neck and back pain. As many places that hold fluid in my system now, I believe the cancer is weaseling it's way around my lymph nodes. It was partial to them both times, I see no reason why it wouldn't come back for an encore in the same general areas. I do, however, get naps of one to two hours at a pop during the day. Right now I'm wide awake, where as yesterday I was dragging ass and falling asleep as I typed the blog. All told, with falling asleep and waking up, it took almost three hours to get that little dab down yesterday. Which is kind of funny. I wonder if Lee Child does that when he writes "Jack Reacher" novels? I'm guessing, no.
There are things that run through my mind since I don't have much to do anymore. I mean, truly, my day is filled with a maybe walk, depending on how my legs feel at that time, looking for something to read (my friend Daric Smith sent me two novels that I've got to get to reading) when I don't have the screaming sinus head ache that is, and watching the boob tube. I watch my oldest do her job at our converted from dining room table to desk. I'm not sure she notices I'm watching. She can be so quiet, reading schedules, e-mail, and planning the flights for fighters she's helping. And concentrates so hard. I'm sure she did that at her office, but with other people to speak to I don't think she's probably that quiet. It makes me smile. Yesterday she mentioned she missed dressing up to go to work, and as usual I was flippant about that, I shoulda kept my mouth shut. It's something she's missing to be here with me, and I'm flattered about that. She gave up part of her life to come help me end mine. That's pretty heavy duty shit right there. I give her a little jazz once in a while. Like slipping up behind her (yes I wait until she's reading, not actually typing) and giving her a little startle. I do that so I can be close to her. Not because I'm such a needy person, but because each time it's a little something I can carry with me.
It's the same way with the other two. Although at fifteen I can understand why the Boy doesn't want dad messing with him. It's a guy thing, and I get that. There are a lot of things I'm going to miss. Each one of the kids has their own scent. Not a nasty, dirty, "I need a bath" scent. But a unique smell that tells me it's them. I think that's a throw back to the days when we humans lived and hunted in packs. A way to distinguish ours from everyone else's. I get the feeling I want to just have them set beside me, and lay their heads on my shoulder like they did when they were little. When all of them were babies, my favorite thing after they were fed was to put them on my chest, lie on the floor and both of us take a nap. I never had one roll off, and we both got some wonderful sleep. Babies metabolism is so fast, it was like having a little electric blanket on my chest. We'd both be toasty warm. When they got sort of an upset stomach or got fussy. I'd put on a button down shirt that was way too big (I had four, one for each kid), take their top off, put us both tummy to tummy, and button the shirt up a little bit. Warm stomachs on both of us and they seemed to do better. My youngest daughter, she didn't like when her mom went back to work. She'd cry from the minute Liz left the house, until she walked in the front door. I don't mean whimper sob sob. I mean a full blown, bawl until your eardrums shatter cry. If she was asleep when Liz left, no problem. If she saw her leave, Katey bar the door. It drove me nuts. That only lasted about 2 months and it wasn't every time. Because most of the time Liz would be gone before the baby woke up, but those few times...wowzer.
One day I took her up to the hospital to take Liz some lunch. One of her co-workers was a bit older than myself. I walked in and in a loud voice "Lisa Bean!!! I know that this is our baby, but for God's sake you've got to take some responsibility for her too!!! I can't do this all the time without help from her mother!". Lisa Bean turned forty shades of red. You could have heard a pin drop. I think it was so unexpected that even though everyone knew better, there was that moment of "Holy shit! I had no idea!" that went buzzing around the room. It was priceless. I don't need a whole lot of frills to make my day, so having a toddler set next to me in our oversized recliner, both of our feet up, watching Animaniacs and eating a bowl of popcorn stands out as one of my best days. Or just watching them go about their daily rat killin, and looking like they have a job that just has to be finished. I'd like to know what's going on inside that noggin, just for a few minutes when they are like that. Quiet kids make me nervous. If you don't hear anything when they are playing, they are into something they shouldn't. Wonderful things, babies. And I'm so glad mine are all raised that I don't have to change another poo poo diaper. Right now one of my favorite things is having my grandson grab a book and set with me on the recliner and reading to me. That boy has got the softest hair.
And once again I fall asleep writing this! What a hoot. Geez Louise I must be tired and sick both. I was about to finish up and go feed. Now I've been out for almost 2 hours and my feeding routine is off. Oh well, I'm not gonna die from it, I'll just have to adjust so I'm not feeding so late in the day. At least the drugs are all in, thank goodness.
Okay, since obviously I must not feel well or I wouldn't just pass out like that. I'm gonna start my day.......again.
Go forth and multiple...no, that's been done. How about just do what feels right.