This is getting strange on a couple of fronts. I never dreamed in all my life that I'd have an anxiety attack, and just for good measure on the fun side, a panic attack was thrown in. (That was even more weird TASSCCCCCCCCCCC). In Parenthesis is what happens when you fall asleep typing. Back to getting strange. Both of those things are are new to me, and I wasn't sure what was going on, except that I was experiencing things I never had happen to me before. That counts as strange.
Before I go on, I need to do something. I owe any of you folks who have to deal with Anxiety and/or Panic issues on a daily or so basis an apology. I never thought much about it either way before this last episode I had. It's a frightening and disabling affliction. I don't believe I've ever felt so helpless in all my life. So, if anyone I may have slighted in the past because I didn't know any better, I am asking your forgiveness.
Now back to your regularly scheduled blog. Yes, this has been damned strange to me. It's not like I probably won't have a lot of things happen that I've never had happen to me before, you know, like permanently die. I was only "Mostly Dead" when I coded on the operating table in Houston. It's so weird, to me at least, that I had something happen that I knew exactly what was going on, and couldn't just shut it down like right now. Although, just seeing Liz come in to help me, put a stop to the craziness almost immediately. I tell people she is my rock. That just played it out for me. Well, not just me now, she has her props on a blog and on FaceBook both.
Okay, so yesterday Liz talked to the Hospice nurse and he came by when I was napping. Startled the dick off me. He brought Xanax, some more powerful dosage on my pain patches, to increase again on Friday, then again on Monday. If they'd jumped the patches up to where they want them, I'd be passed out for two days. This little jump in dosage has had me napping all day. I also started to get a little anxious as I was typing this. I've found a trigger. It's nearly drug time, so my nose it starting to plug up a little. My body notices this before I do, so it makes my neck feel like it's swelling. In reality, it's not. That was the first thing I checked. If it were, the tracheotomy collar would be getting tighter as well and it's not. Still, I could feel myself starting to head down that road to Maximum FREAK Out. I do not like Maximum Freak Out. Very early this afternoon, a large mucus/blood clot got nailed on my tube. I knew it was, and I also knew I could fix it fairly easily if I could keep my wits about me for about 10-20 minutes, I'd be in good shape. A Xanax and almost an hour ago, I feel pretty good about myself. Got back to the med spot in the master bedroom with more than enough time to spare. It's certainly a good thing to have all the tools and time I need to take care of myself for a bit longer.
Liz contacted the Hospice Nurse, and then was worried it might make me angry. No, that wouldn't make me angry, she was showing that she loved me and was taking care of me. Only a complete dick headed douchenozzle would get angry with his wife for looking out for ways to give him some respite from a problem than very nearly caused a major breakdown in his ability to take care of himself and not hindered by something that damn near caused a breakdown in the Independent Factor of self care. How stupid on my part would that have been? That would rank right up that in the top 5 of the album "Stupid Shit I've Pulled and Walked Away From". The crack up is, it's worked so well I'm dozing off from time to time as I write this blog. Geez, the only Blog that's taken this long to finish. I can see the headlines now. "Texas Man Dies From Writing His Blog", film at 11. Well, no, probably nothing that drastic, but it's dang funny. You know, though, she may have asked knowing that in my past when I was less thoughtful in my reactions. Thank gosh for growing up just a fucking little.
Okay. That's a little bit of how things are going. I've reminded myself I can't do a lot of things like I could 18 months ago. I'm dying. Sometimes it feels like it's just doing the "Hey! Let's Kill Rock" dance to an Irish whirl, other times it's feels as slow as molasses in winter. No matter how it feels to me, it's killing me in it's own way, on it's own schedule. Either way, it's gonna kill me whether I want it to or not. That's the nature of things. Lots of good people get cut out of their life a lot sooner than they need to be. The killer in this case is a cancer. I've said it before, and I can't say this part enough.
"Cancer Can Not Kill ME!!!! It can kill my body, but it can't kill my spirit or my will to live". There are a lot of things worse than cancer, in my book. And since each of us has a book of our own, the things worse than cancer will vary as much as the people who are writing their own books. So far this hasn't had the balls to work on my brain and really rob me of the stuff I want to hold onto as my own. The little secret things that I want to keep hidden, and a few of the larger parts of what make me, me. Alright, enough of the gloom and fucking doom. I don't wanna die and have everyone think "Good God Almighty that dude was a fucking drag!" Yeah, that would be a suck ass way to be remembered.
The Book of Rock: What makes today special? Well, dick head, you're alive aren't you?
Any day you wake up and are still drawing breath, that's a special day. It beats waking up and going down stairs only to find you can't eat your Shredded Wheat because an ethereal creature can't hold a spoon. But that's okay, I've done that during my lifetime. And while I've seen many things and have led a fun filled and productive point up until this past year, I've still got a lot to see and do.
I'll catch those things up on the next time around. My sis says I've been a Viking, Highlander, and a Knight Templar. It would be cool to come back again and see what it was that was set up for me this next time around. My hope is, that they put that off until Liz and I can do it all over again in some new and exotic place to live.
Live today like it's your last, simply because you don't know if it truly is or not. And if it's not, weeeell you've lost nothing and gained the world one more time, haven't you?