Friday, February 28, 2014

It's True, it seems like a Month of Sunday's Since I've been Here

     Sorry about that. As much as I hate the damned "time to recharge my batteries", that's exactly what I've been doing. Recharging me, just a little. I was completely tired and worn out. I've been falling asleep almost anywhere I sit down. That one bothers me worse than anything other than the cancer itself. At times it makes me absolutely ecstatic that I don't smoke any longer. I can't imagine sitting here with a butt smoldering away and then to have it catch the entire house and burn it to the ground. Like I don't have enough of me to feel bad, that would trump  them all and probably end up killing me. The cancer would love for me to get down so far they had to pump light and air down so I could stay living. Nope, I'll bypass that. I here it's one of two things, or maybe both at once. One could be the lovely drug cocktail I have twice a day, or it's the fact that the cancer is causing it, because it's wearing me out fighting it. I think it's probably both. At any rate, I was woken twice yesterday asking if I needed a blanket or not, or if I was going to sleep. I said "No" to both. Half right. I didn't need the blanket, I was comfortable. Yes, I was going to sleep, because I woke up in the same position I was sitting in the recliner when I was asked if I was going to sleep. Yes I did, dammit, did it look like I wanted to fall asleep? (That makes me laugh at myself, what an 'Ultra Maroon" as Bugs Bunny would say.

   Seriously, though. that's something I never encountered before. Falling asleep like that, so suddenly. It did if I'd been up for hours on end (60 hours straight at the GCDU one time, was so tired I told them to suck my dick and the old douche bag Z can have my fucking job". Yes I said that, damn near verbatim. Luckily I kept my job. As I say, the only time I've dropped off like I do now, I was totally exhausted. Right now, I fall out if I'm exhausted, sitting in my recliner, or trying to find something to watch on the boob tube. (They say boob tube, but I've not seen a boob one, excluding Skinamax, and I don't like to count that, only the stuff my kids could watch or watch with me. If they are asleep, I've got  no problem watching skinamax all by myself. With the falling asleep like I do, I'm afraid that something bad is going to happen. God, I hope not. On the positive side, I can't syphon gasoline any longer, since without a soft palate, having to plug the trach tube, hold my nose, and honestly barely able after all that to even get the gasoline moving. Positive side: I won't be swallowing any gas. Funny how I can find something good in all the shit I can find that's wrong. "What kind of fooooool am " (no, I still can't sing a note, even if my life meant being able to do that. Just shoot me now, rather than have to face the embarrassment.

   I'm going to warn you now, if you're squeamish, don't check this out on Facebook, no way no how. This is the part that shows you on a personal level that I've warned about before. I've mentioned before that sometimes the gross shit will show up. I've been a bit lax in that department so on Facebook I'll play catch up. It's not going to be pretty. We'll go from there. Why do I say "We"? Because I'm in this boat with all of you. Sadly enough, I am forced to see all the fucking nasty, gruesome, shit because I'm living it. Things get tough, I ain't shittin ya, when you have to work around all the crap going on with your own little body. (Or as Jonathan Winters used to say 'Allllllll over my little boooooody'." I see how much I've lost as far as fat and muscle mass I've lost over this gig. I lost, Some of you have asked, and I've said "I'd rather not, it makes me uncomfortable and is embarrassing." Not for me entirely, but for some folks out there in "Never Never Land". But, I had a dream last night that had my old man, his dad, and a couple of other men I respected and always looked to please them. Not because they demanded that I work like that in order to keep them happy. Making certain people have a good day isn't in my "Golly!!! I've got to work harder and better to keep these guys happy! I do it because it pushes me to be a better employee and person." A side bar, if I may. It bothers me so because I've got a point to compare the "Fuck I'm Healthy", to "Fuck me, I'm disappearing". This is where my vanity kicks in, and reality bitch slaps the flying fuck out of me, and what makes me sad on some days.
   The damn mood swings piss me off as well. One minute I'm coasting along feeling damn good, like I did 16 months ago, then quicker than a kick in the nuts, something small, large, or by God just medium will spin my top like there's not freaking tomorrow. Do I feel better inside? Well, frankly, yes I do
it's a HUGE valve that allows me to get that built up anger out, and I can go along being the lovely, sweet, kind hearted man we all have grown to love. (crap, even I giggled over that).

  I've had some extra trouble, at times, of catching my breath so my heart doesn't have a run away. It's not so bad really, to have my heart race. It's not done that in ages. The difference now, it's not followed so closely with an over abundance of Endorphins.  Like getting high without the smoke. This go around it's not that way at all. I don't get the Endorphins that like I did. I do, however, find it relaxing, without the endorphins.  I'm going to close this with a quick story about me, my little brother, and a 1969 Dodge Dart.

  The summer of 1969 was fun. We'd just moved into the ranch, it was rainy so all the ponds were brim full and the fishing was fabulous. My Grandfather Green (my moms dad) was visiting for about a week I believe. Anyway, boys being boys. We got into a real live pissing contest. My little brother won, dammit, and I had to give up my share of the 12 bottles of Orange Crush. In the end, I was devastated. So much so that I dared him to piss on the electric fence. What I did with that (may be I should save this one.   Naw, it belongs).  I dared him, as part of the bet, that he couldn't piss over the entire Dart without getting piss all over it. So, the starts to piss just behind the car, and walks sideways, the entire length of the Dart Coupe, without getting a drop on it anywhere. Now, our Grandfather saw it, called my mom, he was pissed, she was Laughing. Laughing won. While I had to give up 3 Orange Crush sodas (the joke was on him. I saved bottles and pay and put the money back into Grape Crush Neener Neener) it's a sight that will stick with me for the rest of my life.  That was before noon, my dad had hear all about it after he got home. With four out of five laughing so hard, and still not being able to do that, or turn a big caber, doing both are absolutely wonderful memories, along with the four hundred Jazzillion I should have enough to run me, at least for a while

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