Thursday, April 10, 2014
Man oh man, I've really let this slide. I apologize, first to me, for ignoring something I really enjoy doing, and then to all of you who follow the blog. I've had better months. I seem to have found out how to wear myself out so efficiently it doesn't take much to out me out. I don't know if that's from cancer, or from depression. I think Cancer, although it could be that the anti-depressant isn't strong enough or the correct type. It's not the same kind of tired I felt when I thought I was depressed (which I was), it is something more along the lines of when I worked way hard and got really tired. I'd just forgotten how that felt, since I've not worked for a looooong fucking time. As Bilbo once said "I feel like a pat of butter that's been spread too thin". (thank you Mr Tolkien, that was a perfect way to say that). So, as I set here going over why I might be tired, it turns out it feels more physical than mental. I still want to go out, and if Liz said "wanna go to get a bite, and have a drink?" I'd gather my poop to do that. Yep, it's physical.
I noticed that some time back, even before I figured out I was depressed, that I was getting really tired, even after minimal exercise, and was running out of gas way fast! Well, it's like that now, by a factor of 5. But, even tired, I would like to be out doing something. It embarrasses me when I just drop off. Part of the reason I still say this is physical, not mental, is that I have that desire to not be so tired, and how to workaround that. Depression, there was no way to work around any of it. With the depression I didn't feel tired, but I did want to sleep all the time, and you couldn't have pried me out of bed with a twenty foot long steel bar, and primer cord. This time, if I get a nap (albeit some of those are way long), by the end of the day, I'm tired, just not unusually so. I can, if someone asks if I want to go do something the answer is most likely "Why hell yes". When I was depressed it was "NO, Im so tired, Im about to fall asleep anyway". What does this tell me? It expected me to be at it's every whim. Something I never wanted my cancer or it's side effects to get that kind of grip upon me. A prime example I'm setting for folks that want to know what's going on? Time to get to the meat a taters of this post.
Mostly because it's getting hard to keep my eyes open right now. The drugs and being up (yes, I took a long nap) since 0220 is taking control of my body. Once in a while it may know more about what I need than I do myself. I fell asleep typing, so my body does not get over ruled, as I used to think it needed. I can't overrule the body, it's smarter than I am. That's not much of a stretch either.
The truth is, my days are more difficult all the time. It's more difficult to get ready to go anywhere, do anything, or stay awake long enough to be useful. Yeah, it's getting tough, Baxter is taking his sweet time about wiping me out, but this incremental stuff is a buzz kill for certain. One day, I could be able to run a 440, the next day, if I can walk a block I should be thrilled. It's getting tougher to cook. One of the things I found that I can do for the family because it's not all that strenuous, and Baxter is taking the fun out of that. He's a rat fucking bastard. I have made it almost 2.5 or 3 months longer than I would have thought. The really good thing about that is I got to see Chance and Stephanie get married. I hope they find as much happiness as Liz and I have had, excluding this last 18 months! This has been a trying time for Liz and the kids. I'm sure I couldn't have made it this far without them.
Okay, I've got things I need to do. So I'm going to cut this short, probably the shortest blog I've done. Since to me, the days are running together and to me, nothing much has changed. I'll think about it though, before I do the next one.
Love all y'all