Monday, June 30, 2014

A Month Flies By Before I Knew It, Go Figure

  That's crazy. It's been a month since my last blog? Good Lord, that's the height of lazy, even by my rapidly easing standards. It's been too long. The days are getting more toward the half day good, half day less or just plain bad. Friday and Saturday were good days all day long, that's this past week, not way back a month ago, while yesterday was a sleep all day kinda thing. Partly because we are trying to get a handle on my increasing and potentially more dangerous than normal sleep walking. I don't remember any dreams in the last two to three months, until Saturday and Sunday night. Those that know me well, know that is really unusual for me. Normal is remembering a dream I can tell you conversation, area, whether or not I can see my hands (not yet, but soon, I hope). Not to remember any is not only surprising to me, it should have set off more alarm bells than 12 alarm fire. I should have noticed, but I believe that even while following the instructions, I was over medicated. Painkiller wise at least. Too many opium derived drugs working together. Fun fun fun and no pain at all, bad bad bad side effects. It also turns out that one of the medications we were using to control my secretions also is bad for you in the long term. Can make you crazy. According to some, that would be hard for me to see a difference.

  So, in this past month, I didn't think much had changed in my progression towards Critical Mass. I had not thought so, but last week certainly showed me wrong. I swell. My face and other parts of my upper body, once confined to above my collar bones. It's moving farther down my body, slowly but surely. It does this because my lymphatic system is compromised with my squamous cell carcinoma. In 2008, it had a spot that my body fixed on it's own, the secondarily slipped into only one lymph gland. This time, same thing, only my body didn't clear up the primary site alone, and it piled into other lymph glands. Even the third time last July 7th, and concluding treatment July 23rd, bailed into more lymph glands. They transport fluid around the body for cleansing in the liver and kidneys, then dispelled or used. I believe these are beginning to fall apart at a higher rate now, and it's showing in the amount of time my lymphedema therapy stays. I did pretty well this past weekend. If not less swelling, it looks like I held my own pretty well. I also believe the next two weeks will tell whether or not I should continue the therapy. It was going to come to an end, I knew this, and almost a year for a fairly aggressive cancer isn't to shabby I don't believe. Me, the Man Up, and my therapist, along with all of you, we've done some damn stellar work in this arena, we all deserve a slap on the back.

  All of the things I'm doing, or have tried are going to have a diminishing life span. As well as myself. This was an inevitability. Quite frankly, I've made it MUCH farther than I even imagined I would, even though I keep trying like I know better. This stage, though, is quite noticeable to me. I tire exponentially faster than I did even two weeks ago. I had a spot in my upper right leg, the one where the muscle was taken for the first flap put in my left face, that eventually died. It swelled enough for me to find it, on top of the pain that made me limp, which I tried to cover up from my wife. (yeah, that worked). The fact that I've made it farther than I originally thought, and as of today am 23 days from my year of death, is more determination and support than any medical reason. That's all kinds of support, folks. Yours, my hospice nurse, family, if you're a believer The Man Up, if not then just never letting me forget how I prefer to live my life. All of that is why, at this point all medicine did was fuck my face and throat up to the point I can't swallow and I look like I fell into a Mike Tyson right cross and upper cut. No, that's not entirely true. It has given me another 12 months with the family. By God, that's more than just a little time, isn't it. We've had time to get all the stuff most folks are rushing around to get done, funeral, will, argue, more argue, laugh at how dipshit is it to argue, then argue about that. Never anything big to argue about, most at me for procrastinating. I am a master of that at home. Work? No damn way, we do it today, because tomorrow might be a lightning storm, too cold, too hot, way to windy, short handed. We do it today at work, maybe tomorrow is a little slower. Maybe tomorrow is just fucking perfect and you can catch up some of the minor shit that has been shoved back because of major shit going on. But, that was then, this is now. Now is what it is and I'm trying to have fun doing it. So, in having fun Friday and Saturday, I baked 6 loves of bread, 3 large, 3 smaller because that's how I can make my Aunt Marge's bread recipe work out for me.  Who'd thought that I'd find baking as something fun and productive? By The Way!!!! Aunt Marge's Country Style Crust Bread is the absolute  best bread I've ever eaten. I'm diddling around with adding to it, like raisin bread, cinnamon, and Saturday, after I put the loaves in pans, and right before I hit the oven with them, I split the top on the smaller loaf and poured a dark cherry and brown sugar reduction into it. I believe it came out better than I expected.

  Okay, that's it for the day. I've got some things I need to do. Therapy, get Baby's feet balanced, pick up formula from Hospice, nap, so I'm not so shot in the frisking ass at the end of the day. Then talk with Dec out in the two person swing about some driving stuff. No, I am NOT going to teach him how to do 95% of the stuff I practiced and did in HS and after. Sheesh, I'm gonna try and be responsible this time. Although, it served his older sister Sarah quite well a couple of times on the Loop around Midland. Once, a 360 when she avoided having her front end clipped by a guy who missed his turn. Too much brake and turn all at once, got her spinning, then no brake, and turning slightly against the spin so the car didn't take the new direction as a need to spin, and no throttle until she was under control. Pretty proud of that one. Most times, like a blow out, brakes are a strict NO NO! A sharp tap, maybe to begin to slow, find a way out, then drive through.

  Love y'all, be safe, have fun, mostly be yourself, you're better than you think you are

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