Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I feel better

The sad thing about having cancer is that it takes longer for me to do everything. Even heal up from a dang 24 or so hour bug. My entire system is a bit compromised and it's something I don't think I'll ever get used to having be so slow. The surgery did a lot of mechanical damage, making is harder for me to get around. It's amazing that cutting on your mouth, neck and taking things out of your chest can screw up your entire mobility. It's true. I can't lie flat, my equilibrium is jacked up and I have limited motion. Although the motion gets better as I stretch. I want to still drive and go places on my own, so I work on range of motion a lot. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep taking myself places, but I am going to do that as long as it's possible. My voice sounds more gravelly to me now too. I don't know if that's from the virus and it being irritated or if it's the cancer slopping around down in there someplace. Either way I'm sure it's moving along at it's own "giddy up go" pace and there's nothing that will stop it.
 Of all the things that's not working right with me, the darn cancer is working just fine. That's the damnable shame of it ain't it? While bits and pieces of me start to fail, ole Baxter Jr just keeps chugging along. While I knew this was going to be the case, it's still a bit to wrap my head around. I get tired faster, which makes it harder to do the exercises that will keep me healthier longer. If that's not the shits, right? My repaired spots start to cramp more frequently, I'm not sure if that's the cancer or something mechanical within the muscles themselves, but it's weird. But, the things that are working fine still are a nice thing to have. I'm getting some strength back and better motion out of both arms, which is a good thing. Unless I'm tired and sick, like yesterday, the old noodle still works fairly well too. I'm hoping that's the one part of me Baxter can't touch. How awful it must be to lose yourself as a cancer chews away your mind. Sad really.
 I get asked some about a bucket list. What's a bucket list? If I've tried  and succeeded in doing most of the things I've really wanted to do, why do I need a bucket list? Seriously, your life should be a bucket list. You see something you want to do, arrange to get it done now, while you're young and healthy enough to get away with doing it. Farting around until your old and facing death is silly as hell. Trust me, you'll be too tired, too sick and could actually care less about jumping out of a plane (I really could care less about jumping out of a plane, but I know people that love it). Let's see, what have I done that could be bucket list material.
I drove a friend in his Dad's Sunbeam Tiger flat on the floor, because he liked it. I've no idea how fast we went. Over 150 I'm sure.
I've ridden motorcycles in 10 states, the other 40 would have been cool, but shipping to Hawaii would have been bat shit. The others...well, it'd been nice, but some never get that feeling at all, right?
I've ridden rollercoasters
Been to Las Vegas and never come back with less that we went with. Not too shabby breaking even
Been in love, had beautiful babies that are growing up into great adults
I got custody of my kids when only 1% of fathers who tried got custody
I've laughed, been mad, then laughed at being mad
Worked at the job I always enjoyed and wanted to work, even if I didn't see it at the time
I've fought and won and fought and lost. Generally lost HUGE!! HA
Played pool for money.
Pushed a guy down a flight of stairs for wanting to fight because I wear a kilt. (He bounced quite well, thank you, and never came back upstairs)
I laid out our back patio stuff.
I've taken some medals in Scottish Heavy Athletics. I'm proud of those, being a mediocre athlete that was some of the best throws I'd done
  In short, I've done just about everything I wanted to and gotten everything I really wanted. The only thing I'm not going to get that I honestly really want is cured of this cancer and go back to my life. That's just not going to happen this time.
Sure, I've done things I'm not proud of, but I'd do them again. If nothing else to prove that I was right in feeling wrong about doing it, and strive to never do that shit again. I've tried to do what the right thing is, and often I've missed the mark. I still try to do what's right ahead of anything else. In some cases that's made me popular with some, unpopular with others. Those are opinions and have little bearing on me personally. If someone tells me I screwed up, and I have, I'll accept that and move on.
 My life has been my bucket list. To try and find anything else that I'd like to do with all my heart is just not going to happen.

  Maybe we should all strive to do that. I've had a lot more fun that some folks, maybe less than others, but I've always done what I damn well pleased. That's the true bucket list, ain't it

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