Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A Damned bug, that's what I've got, a bug

Crap, shit, dammit, rats. I'm sick. And yes I already know I've got cancer, and that makes me sick. This is the low back pain, chills, burn up, freeze, more low back pain, chills, burn up, vicious cycle of some kind of damed bug. Normally I wouldn't say anything to the wife other than "I've got a bug, leave me the hell alone". That way I can sleep, let the aspirin do it's thing for he fever, and eat a bite when I'm sweating or freezing to death. The dang cancer even took the fun out of lying around on the couch watching "Match Game" reruns on the Game Show Network. Oh, and Hollywood Squares. Why? you ask, since I can do that anyway. Welly well, let's explore a bit, shall we?
 All that stuff I'd get when I was a kid? Yeah, I can't eat or swallow any of that. The chicken noodle soup (I liked the stuff that came out of the pouches better than the canned), a little grape juice, some 7-UP, I can't get any of that in and swallow it. Depressing. I can get a taste of it and then go to the PEG Line in my stomach. Oh Joy!!!  not so much. I mean damn, right?  I loved to let a saltine cracker just kind of dissolve in my mouth. Until I was in Jr High School, mom was home and would wait on me. Actually, that was only cool for a couple of hours, then I'd rather be left alone to sleep and all. Here we are back to touch again, though. Remember how nice it was for your mom to come in, set on the couch and rub your feet or stroke your hair? Does it get much better than that? That feeling of being loved and secure, knowing full well it's like that every day, but being sick just brought that out for you to see.
   Now I have this "vanity" issue, and it's a shame I can't see to get around that personally. They butchered the hell out of me getting rid of Baxter Jr. Left my face swollen and cut and scarred. I can't control most of my drool issue, and that's only going to get worse. I'm way less self conscious now than I was say 3 months ago. I'm just not as sensitive about going out in public to be stared at by dolts who don't know how fucking lucky they are to have all their parts and pieces. At first I only went out late at night or way early in the morning, just so I wouldn't be seen. I blew that off as just liking to get up really early. And I still do, but that wasn't why. I was ashamed of my looks. Odd, how now that I'm croaking, I am to the point I don't care if they stare or not. I'll write a nasty message on my board hand hold it for them to see. One feller took umbrage to that and called me all kinds of names. Which I thought was funny, since he ended up looking stupid, not I. Which leads me to this: I don't want to be screwed with right now. I know my wife and kids love me, they show me that hundreds of times a day. I also know that I'm being foolish. But I don't want them to feel pity for me. I don't think they do, but I don't want that at all. I'm going to have to look at this silly feeling again, and get rid of it. What a waste of my time, wondering if the fan gets grossed out or not. I'm sure they do sometimes. (I can freak the oldest out just by taking the whole tracy tube out and showing her the hole in my throat). The fact of the matter is, I'm shutting off a part of the fam that I really need and want. Why YES!!! I am a goober.
 I don't like to be a burden on anyone, ever. But the facts are that I'm going to become a burden, and I'd better get to making all I can of this time before I get really bad and I start to wear thin on everyone. See, this is what pisses me off worst about this go around. Last time I still took the kids to school, I drove myself around (which I do now as well) and knew I was going to get back to near top form. I managed to make that. Right now is as good as I'm going to feel over the coming months. Now, that doesn't scare me, but it pisses me off to have to rely on someone else to help take care of me. That's a sad state of affairs for me to be in. I love the family and friends, but I feel like I'm making them go that extra mile that shouldn't have to go. I'm not quite sure how to get rid of that, but it's gotta go.
   So, I've got this damn but, and I'm sitting here bathed in sweat, nodding off at the laptop. Honestly feel really bad. I was hurt, and sore from the 3 surgeries, but that I expected. And it was a different kind of sore.  This is achy feel like poo sore. I'm beginning to turn into a whiny little shit. I hate whiny little shits. So, I'm going to try and make do with this as best I can. As soon as the oldest gets up and gets her kid off to school, I'm going to teach her how to fill the gravity bag so I can take in more water and lemonade. For some reason my body really likes Country Time lemonade. I don't know what it is about it, but it sure makes me feel better all over. I'm going to set with her and go over some of the things that are coming down the road that I'm going to need help with (that just frosts my cupcakes), and maybe while we are at it, I can explain to her why I'm so very proud of her. And the youngest daughter too. I know it's not easy for either one of them. The youngest is getting better at hangin around with me, and I like that. She's sharp and has a wonderful sense of humor. More people need to be like my daughters.
My sons are both creative. Turns out Declan gets bored and writes. He writes well too. I'm pleasantly surprised. I even catch him reading from time to time. That's cool. Chance, he's a creative chef. His plating work is without rival, I think. He combines flavors better than anyone I've ever met, and is driven like I never was. That's pretty cool.
 So, I'm going to let it go at this. I'm sick, I'm whiny, and I really don't care. It could be worse, I could be looking out of a marble box wondering why I'm all powdery.

 Until next time! Major Astro, OUT

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