Well, this is turning out to be "Bad Mood Wednesday". It might be best if I just stayed off here and didn't write anything since I'm hotter than a steamed fucking clam right now. And after an hour and a half I should be calmed down, but that's not happening. Usually I get into a snit I'm over it in a few minutes, but this morning is the exception to the rule, and I'm in a foul mood.
I didn't start out that way, no siree Bob it didn't. I had my pain patch upped a notch yesterday, and stayed up kind of late to make sure it didn't have some unwanted side effects. You know, like trouble breathing and the like. I slept a damn good 4 hours too. Straight through, no hacking or coughing. No sinus drainage. Just a nice restful sleep. I woke up without the neck and shoulder pain too. That's a plus. So all in all I was in a pretty good mood. Came up with a plan since I've got an extra trach tube now, so that when I shower the collar isn't wet and icky. And, since it no longer bothers me to look into the hole in my throat, I can change one I've already got set up to use, for the one that's wet from the shower. A nice thing overall. It's more comfortable, and even though the package says "breathable foam collar", it smell like it's not breathable at all while it's drying out. So, starting with a fresh, dry, collar as well as the gauze to go between my trach tube and throat, certainly is a nicer thing. I'd thought about doing it before, but always thought I needed help with it. Nope, I don't. I sorted out the minor problems and it's something I can do on my own. So yeah, the morning started off pretty damn good at my house between 0430 and 0515. Got a shower, fixed my trach, took my meds, got a feed in. Not bad for 45 minutes. While some things are slowing down, others are speeding up. Must be nature balancing itself out.
Oh no, no, the trouble started when I hit Starbucks to hang with my buds. The same old boy started in on my ass this morning. Normally I can blow it off. Not this morning. I tried to tell him to shut the fuck up, but since my voice is going that didn't get understood. And he tried to be funny imitating how I sound and look when I try to speak. I got super pissed off. Couldn't really see anymore than dark outlines of people in a completely red background. That used to spell really bad, bad things were about to happen. Really bad things. So, instead I took a deep breath, gathered up my shit, gave him the finger and walked....lie, stormed the fuck out...of the place. Went for about a 10 minute drive to calm down enough to write legibly and went back. One of the guys that was there tried to smooth it over before I went back in, and the old mother fucker doesn't even realize his friend is that good a buddy. It's a damn shame. So what I wrote was this: "I left for a few minutes so I didn't just slap the fuck clean out of your. Or drill you one in the throat so I could laugh at your inability to breath or speak. But I don't do that anymore. Since all you can do lately is have sport at my expense, something I ignored for a long time before now. And since I'm too sick, sore,tired, and can't talk anymore, I don't have to put up with your shit. I listened to your shit for years, and gave some back, but I don't have to put up with it any more, so kiss my dying ass. This is the last time you'll have me to fuck with ever." Slammed the note down next to his coffee, listened to a worthless fucking apology and left. Last time I'll be in there early in the morning. I'll go in later in the day and visit with the girls. But I certainly don't have to put up with that shit anymore.
It's not that I'm even so thin skinned. Or don't want to be treated differently than I was before. But fuck me, before I even get set down? Bullshit and kiss my ass. I don't need the aggravation. Let it go for ten minutes and I can tune out the drivel about the never ending golf game, or the whining over the shoulder surgery, or how you HAVE to throw money at your kids because they can't take care of themselves. But right off the bat, before I can set my shit down? No. No way. No fucking way do I have to listen to the bullshit. I kid, tease, screw with and laugh with people a lot. But I try to feel them out before I run off at the head. That's an unwritten rule with me. Someone looks tired, or sore, or otherwise distracted, I leave em the hell alone. It's been my experience that you might get busted in the mouth for the things you say to people, so you damn well better be willing to throw down, or just keep your mouth shut. I've always been willing, that's not a problem. And it's not too hard to keep your mouth shut. And, as a rule, most shit people say to me runs off my back. Even when I kind of liked to get into it a little, just mouthing off wouldn't get it done, you had to be serious enough to touch me. So, for whatever reason this morning really twisted my nuts the wrong direction. It's the first time in probably 10 years, I've seen nothing but red. That time some asshole that had just beaten the piss out of a friend's of mine daughter accidentally put his hand on me and said "I'm gonna drive your dick into the dirt". When I could finally see and hear again, he was underneath me, with my thumb buried up to the joint next to my hand in his throat, and was a nice shade of blue with his eyes rolled up into his head. Yes, he breathed when I got off of him. If I hadn't heard one of my friends say "Rock, that's enough", I might not have turned him loose at all. Huntsville is humid in the summer. I'm glad I let him up.
Then I get, "are you going to travel? It doesn't sound like it." from some people. Ya know, why don't you not bother to assume what I will and won't or can't do. When it gets to that point, you'll know because I'll tell ya.
So there, I've got an all day, full burn going. I'm not going to be very pleasant with anyone. And the complete shits of that is, I can't really go off and find somewhere to work it off. I'm fucking stuck basically in town, at the fucking house. It's "Wide Berth Day" around me today.
Have fun, watch out, and don't forget, sometimes even us nice guys lose our tempers
Hugs, and a bang on the hear