Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Man, I'm tired

 All of a sudden I've been really tired and can't get enough sleep. Well, I mean I get enough that I can function, but I'm taking naps more often and they last longer. Talk about a bummer. Now that I really want to be out doing something other than watching my toe nails grow, I'm getting too tired to even want to do that.

 I get worn out quickly. Probably due to lack of the amount of exercise I need, because a lot of that hurts quite a bit. I'm going to go back to at least walking more than I do. I can feel my legs going. The problem even doing that increases the amount of swelling in my neck and face. I'm gonna have to decide which is more important, exercise or less swelling. I go with exercise. The swelling is coming regardless of what I do, so I might as well help the rest of my body out while I can. I'm hoping that does something for this chronic tired spell as well. Jumping my metabolism up can't be all bad, and it'll do wonders for my heart I'm sure. Somewhere in here lies a medium place where I can reap some benefit and not have all the crap side effects that go with it. Part of the reason I wear out fast is probably a pain issue as well. I get so sore so fast it knocks the wind out of me. It's like working with a perpetually strained or pulled muscle. Just constantly pestering you. It jumps in and says "wake up for 15 minutes, I'm lonely", every night. That is part of the problem as well. Looks like it's time to change the pain patch dosage up a notch. That will help some. I was kinda hoping that would be a hold off moment for another month or so. Although, I got this prescription on July 20. I'm close to 2 months into that. That's two months of the uninvited  house guest growth, and that's a factor as well.

 I have a lack of choice, and that makes me tired as well. I can't just go out and do as I please like I used to go out and do. I have feedings, like some damned baby, that I need to do on at least a partial schedule. I don't just grab a bottle and drink as much liquid as I did either. That has to be planned out so I can fill a feeding bag with whatever I chose to use, be that water or lemonade (no, I can't swallow, but I can get a taste of it), and that takes time. The Hospice brought me by a bunch of gravity feeding bags that have a hose that's at least half the size of my old ones. Instead of 10 or 15 minutes to feed, it takes 40-50 minutes. I've been using a syringe to feed myself. I mean hell, I don't have anywhere to go, but why do I want to be tied down to a damn bag for 3-4 times what I was having to be tied to it in the first place? Even the bags we ordered last have the same damn skinny line. Why is it medical supply places have such a shittin hard time getting what you ordered the first time out the gate? Irritating to say the least. Pisses me plumb the fuck off, to say the average. Physically I'm limited as well. It's safer for me to drive, because I have better mirrors to help me see surrounding traffic, and I'm crazy cautious now. Riding the bike, I can't do that at all. Not and feel as safe as I'd like. I don't have the head and neck rotation I need to ride it into traffic. Although I've got to get it to my son in Grand Prairie, so that's gonna be a big highway ride. And yes, I've tried to wear the helmet. The chin strap cuts into my scar and tissue on my neck and tries to wear a hole in it. Helmet is a no go.
 So you see, my choices of things I'd like to to are so limited that it frustrates the shit out of me, and that in and of itself makes me very tired. It's like a constant fight with me to think, "I should go...nope, can't do that". Frustrating.

 I hear it's up to you to make your quality of life. And I agree with that. I have a lot of fun still. I'm not as loud, but I still have a good time. While it's not the quality of life I'd like to have, there's still quality in there. As tired as I get, I'm not quite ready to shuck it all in yet. There's a couple of things I have to do first, and a few things I should do. Those I'm working on, the need to do things are coming up quickly. After that, I'm not sure how I'll feel. I know I'll be worn out for a time, but it should be pretty well content. For ten minutes or so anyway. While my quality of life isn't up to my standards, I'm gonna have to pull up the big boy pants and make certain that it gets damn close to there. That gets a bit harder to do every week. Some days it's a plain struggle, but without a struggle, life isn't worth living anyway. I believe life is supposed to be a roller coaster, scary in parts, relaxing in others. I've not been afraid of the parts that are supposed to suck your breath out, there's no reason I should change that now. I don't think anyway.

Okay, my eyes burn, my shoulders and neck are asking for some additional pain meds, so I'm gonna wrap this up.

 I'm tired, but that's okay, at least I'm alive enough to realize I'm tired.

 Be careful, and have fun. Sometimes I could actually do both. Not often, but sometimes

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