This has been a rough week. Physically and mentally both. I've ached all over, but not had a virus. We got my pain med upped so that's helped a lot in that regard. I've been bleeding a little, but more often, but that's expected. Doesn't make it anymore pleasant. It's difficult to stay ahead of fluid I'm retaining in my neck, face, and shoulders. It's moving down my back and side as well. It's a bit uncomfortable. I've thrown up some. Nothing pleasant about that. Sleep is hit or miss. I'm either not asleep until 0200 or 0300 and up at 0630, or I'm asleep at 2100 and up at 0330. Weird stuff. It's hard to get adjusted since everything seems out of whack. I've dumped a long time buddy, because I got tired of his shit of running down my home state, what I did for athletics, my job, and a herd of other things. He's really a compassionate guy, and normally I overlooked all that shit. Finally just had enough. Too bad as well. I suppose I could go say "Ya know, I get it, just watch what you say", but that would violate my word I gave him. No way I'm doin that. And I'm not a good enough person to forgive and turn the other cheek. Regardless of what y'all think, I know how to live by the feud. I'm good at it when I have to be as well.
I also pissed off a couple of people. It's a shortfall of being open and honest. So, what I will most likely do, is go back to keeping my mouth fucking shut. I'm pretty good at that as well.
I'm a middle kid. I did pretty much as I damn well pleased even when I was little, because I got ignored. Not on the big stuff, but in the every day things. My sister is nine years older, my brother is four younger. My first grade my sister was driving and my brother was still shitting his pants. See how easy it was to get looked over? The good thing is I learned to make do on my own. It's probably why asking for anything now chaps my ass. I learned to make my own fun, stand up for myself, and get along without anyone. I still like alone time. I'm used to it and it's being incredibly missed since last year when I got diagnosed again. I learned by watching. My sister tried to bullshit her way out of trouble. Saw that more than once. I learned that if you come right out and say (sometimes I didn't, but I was trying to cover someone else's ass from a fate worse than my own) that you fouled up it went a lot easier on the punishment phase. That holds true through adulthood. And it's not all that hard to do, owning up to your mistakes. I learned that shit ain't fair. My brother and I would be getting in trouble and he'd backtalk or sass mom. I'd jab him, and my ass would be in a jam and he'd skip off Scot free. Fair? Hell no, but that's how it was. So I'd smack him, get the extra punishment and go about my own rat killin. Some years back I mentioned that to my mom. We talked about it and hashed it out and it was fine. It's also why I try and take care of things on my own. I won't sue, I won't call the cops, I won't go to HR or the higher ups. It's how I do my thing. I don't have to rely on a third party that way. We either iron it out, or we don't. If we can't, well, you're on my shit list and I won't have a damn thing to to with you again. There's been a lot of talk of late about freedom of speech. A college in CA wouldn't let a student hand out Constitutions. They have "Free Speech Zones". Yes, that's a joke. Kansas University has a journalism Professor that ran his mouth on Twitter and is now on administrative leave. And it's rankled some folks that condemn that action but stand up for not allowing students to hand out Constitutions. I bring this up because being a middle kid taught me that it's fine to run your mouth, as long as you're willing to accept the consequences. That's the essence of free speech really, isn't it?
Since I can't hit the gym anymore to work out these bits of frustration for myself, I have this. I hope I'm not boring you to death with it.
This dying shit is for the birds. I'm not enjoying it one iota. I'm bored, I'm getting a bit weaker, I'm limited in what I can and can't do, and it's sucks chunks of fun out of every day. Don't get me wrong, I still have fun 99% of the time. But it's a drag. I discovered yesterday that I can't walk as far as I used to without getting winded. It's not that I have trouble breathing. I'm getting weaker. I hate being weaker. That's going to happen, though, I know and accept it. I don't have to like it, but I accept it. Fortunately I don't believe it's going to affect my mind or thought process. Man, that would really suck. It's difficult enough to lose most of my communication skills, but if I were to notice my mind going. Wow. I can't imagine that. I see now why alzheimer patients get mean. It's frustration. Somewhere in there they know, but can't figure out why they can't remember. That's enough for a good fist fight. Because it's frightening.
What will happen with me, as the cancer spreads, will be ugly, painful and a mess. I'll do my best to take care of myself, but there will come a time when I can't. I'm really gonna hate that. Relying on people sucks. A lot of older folks would back me up on that I'm sure. It's already, I believe, my lymph nodes, as I've mentioned before. I hate that my family is going to have to help me out. I've mentioned that and been chastised for it as well. HA!
Well, this has been a rambling sack of dog poo this morning. Maybe I should hold off posting until I've got my thoughts all squared away into some sense of order at least. Ya think?
To close (finally, right?)
BIG Shout Out to Midland Memorial Hospital Radiology department. They are wearing the t-shirts one of the guys designed and printed to support Liz and I while I'm croaking. Very cool t-shirt. When I sync my phone up to the lap top I'll add a picture of it here. So, thanks guys, you're a great group of people. I know Liz and I both really appreciate and love what you're doing. And for helping me make our last anniversary one I hope Liz remembers.
A hug and an adult beverage. Those are your marching orders for the day. Go live your damn bucket list, why wait?