This may turn into a piss and moan session on my part. I mean, gee, I'm slowly wasting away, I tire easily and rapidly, I sometimes have trouble breathing, I can't swallow, I bleed in my mouth and throat, all kinds of fun shit goes on with me. I generally don't think I piss and moan about it, because that only sucks valuable time out of the limited number of days I've got left to do something in. I like to remember, but I don't hold the past as the best part of my life. Today is the best part of my life because I'm trying my damnedest to live it to the best of my ability. I read and hear from some people "I'm this or that and I apologize or I'm sorry for what I am". Ya know what? Fix that shit or shut the fuck up. After some time it's nothing more than fucking annoying and drags down other people along with the person with that attitude. If you need help fixing that, then ask for it, and do what the people you ask advise, don't blow it off and then run right back to the same old bull shit. Living in the past, as well, does nothing for fixing your life so you can move forward with greater gusto and vision. Yes, I've had a great time in the past, my memories are legion and 99% of them are wonderful. But that's what t. hey are, memories. The best day in my life? Today. At midnight it's squeaky clean and hasn't had the chance to become fouled up. By the end of the day, if you've gotten anything accomplished, then it was a damn fine day. If you've made someone smile, laugh, or think a little, that's even better. So truly, today is the best day of your life. Live it like it was and suddenly things will get better. So there, that's my rant. I didn't sleep well and this has been banging around in my head for a couple of weeks. Maybe I've exorcised it for now. I certainly hope so any way.
So, what's new? Not a heck of a lot, really. My days have this wonderful routine that is both mind numbingly monotonous and stimulating. How weird is that? I have to do certain things like feed and medicate at certain times, nothing in stone but it's easier to have it set up that way, then it's read a bit. Or play a video game. Or like the last 3 days, sleep more and more each day. I didn't sleep well last night though. Up and down coughing. Sometimes a bit of blood, most times not. I do need to get my kids in and have a sit down discussion about my blood letting increasing. I don't want them to panic unless I say to panic. Increasingly I get restless, though, and feel I need to do something extra. So I try to walk. That's steadily fallen from a couple of miles, to a mile, to about a half mile now. My legs are going and I get winded rapidly. That's something to be expected, but I allowed myself to get lax in my diligence and it startled me as to the speed with which I got that way. Fast, as in three weeks time. I wasn't paying attention, I guess, and noticed that I wasn't hooking very far at all. I'm finding too, that I get to feeling way too full when I feed. I may have to try and alter that and see what happens. There have been days when I didn't want to eat at all, and I forced myself to do so. That to is part and parcel of what's working it's self into my life. The cancer doesn't care whether or not I eat, just that it eats away at me. It's doing it's job, and my job is to try and slow it down. We fight that little bit out all the time, cancer and I do. Eventually it's gonna win, but I want it to be on the ropes long enough it'll wish it never picked a fight with this old man.
My pain and swelling are on the increase as well. I can no longer get by with one or two doses of break out pain med, even with the Fentanyl 25 mg patch. So now I'm on a schedule for pain meds. In fact, I may have to have the patch and the break out pain killer increased some. Something I'm not looking forward to in particular, but as a good friend told me and I know to be true "Pain will kill you just as fast as the cancer will. Pain is exhaustive, and it sucks away energy you need to put up a battle with cancer. It makes it difficult to communicate with the family as well. When I struggle with pain, I get short tempered and grouchy. That's not a combination anyone wants to hang around with. And I know for certain, when I get that way I can be a total and complete ass. I also know that it makes it tough for me to get done what I want to accomplish for the day. Even if that's only to read 300 pages in a novel. I need to concentrate and if I'm hurting that's just not happening like it should. So, getting the pain under control is a good thing, excluding that it slows down the rest of my body as well. Some parts ain't doing what they ought. So I'm taking meds for that too. It seems as soon as I get one small problem ironed out, another pops up. You know, kinda like real every day life. I don't think, if we are going to be honest with ourselves that solving one problem doesn't open the door to another. It's the law one action having an equal and opposite reaction. Nature abhors a vacuum, which is why cancer sucks. Okay, that was lame, but I'm leaving it in anyway.
I don't know if it's the drugs, the cancer, or what exactly it is, but I can nod off at home without even trying. I don't when I drive, or I'd give the car up for good. I mentioned yesterday that I dropped off two or three times writing the blog. I've done that this morning as well. It could be that I'm boring myself half to death. Nawwww, that's not it. At least I hope not. I think it's the drugs and cancer combo that makes me drowsy. Now, if I could get all the drop off times to work in a row at night, I'd have something. Interrupted sleep is for the birds. It makes me even more tired than usual, and adds to my general grumpiness. I'd rather got 4-6 hours straight sleep, than what I get now. An hour or so, then awake for thirty minutes, then an hour or so asleep. Repeat if necessary. And it's always necessary. It also gives me some jacked up dreams. Most of those are just plain weird, which is fine. Who doesn't enjoy an odd dream? I have, however, had a couple of nightmares. Not the "Destiny destiny no escaping not for me!" from Young Frankenstein kind either. Real cold sweat nightmares. Definitely not the kind of thing I like to wake up too. More mostly nekkid, well endowed women, please, and less of the frightening stuff, if you please Mr Subconscious. I don't know how many other people fighting cancer have the same symptoms, but I'd be willin to hazard a guess more than just a few.
Since I started the blog as kind of an educational tool, based solely upon my experiences. I'm hoping that I am succeeding in that at least a little bit. I also want to kind of ease the nervousness that goes hand in hand with watching someone dying from being so afraid of what they are seeing. It's not pretty, I'm sure, to watch someone you love waste slowly away. And this is where the caregiver/family members show the strength they tell me they don't think they possess. I've got the easy end of this jobs. Just kind of sit around and fade out. Dealing with that, though, that's tough. So, I'm trying to make that easier, I hope, for other folks if this should arise. And face it, friends, we are all getting older.
Now, as it goes, I've got to close my eyes for a bit. Maybe gain enough get up and go that when I take the next round of meds I feel 100% better than right now
Jump in with both feet today. Act like this is the last time you'll get to take a breath, see how nifty the day looks when you do that. I did it every time I had to put on an air tank and mask to gauge a poison gas well tank battery. Get up there, malfunction, there ain't a lot of time to out run the H2S before you have to draw a breath. Teaches you to double check your equipment, and all ways have an escape route.
Love all y'all. Be patient, Lord knows I don't have a lot, but I'm working on it
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