It's true, yesterday I was moping. Geez frickin Louise I hate that!!! Walking around like someone kicked the piss out of your best friends dog is just a useless waste of time. Quite frankly, if it's big enough a problem to mope about, it's big enough to either fix because you can, let it go because you can't fix or change it, or learn to deal with it and pull up your big boy britches. So, why was I moping? Chili. The one meal I really look forward to in the fall. The hell with all that turkey and stuffing and fixings, be thankful every day, not just once a year. Besides, all that cooking and sweating and fixing of desserts and things you normally don't eat, and the meal is over in 30 minutes and everyone is crashed out on the couch. Nope, Chili night, that's my favorite fall meal. When we moved here, we had to adjust the temperature it was outside to warrant that first big pot of chili. We had to move the temp up....at lot. Up there in Kansas, we waited until the high was just under 40....Down here if we wait that long it'd be half past February before we got a good bowl of home made chili. So yeah, I look forward to that, and while it was cooking yesterday I got a bit down in the mouth about it. Nothing I can do about it at all, it's something I knew was gonna come up and I didn't prep myself for it. Silly really. It's chili for God sake, not something that would save my life if I could only swallow it like a normal person. Nope, I let it get to me. Dopey man, dopey
It may be too, that I've got my days and nights turned 180. I slept damn near all day yesterday. I couldn't force myself to stay awake. So yeah, I woke up to the aroma of softly simmering chili. Wow.
Something so small really, and it's actually the one thing I am missing most right now. And it's not like I didn't fix chili all the time when I could eat. I love chili dogs, so I'd make a batch for chili dogs. I wanted to fix something like a soup, only better...chili. We had it all year round. But that first batch when the weather cools off is the best of the lot.
So then, to top that I off. I got caught up in, and how this happened I've got no frickin clue, "Used to could" Syndrome. I think everybody does that once in a while. I kept comparing myself to ten or fifteen years ago. I can't do that, for shit sake. I'm not even in as good of shape as I was last weekend. So comparing myself to things I could do ten years ago is just dumb. It made me feel badly, and that's gotta come to an end. It's not that comparing yourself to see if you've become a better person is bad, comparing what you could do physically, when you already know you're incredibly more weak than you were is just setting yourself up to feel bad. And ya know, it DID!! I'm down to having to practice what I preach more.
Okay, the mopery is finished. I still didn't sleep at all last night. I knew at 2100 hrs that I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I could feel myself waking up. Then, like most things in life, I began to fight that with the hope I'd wear myself out. What I did was make my mind so active there was no way it was going to shut down anytime soon. I was right, it didn't. It's starting to now, but I am also starting my day, so I'll be sleeping a lot...again. I don't even mind not sleeping. I didn't when I was healthy, why should I sweat it now? Because I feel like shit now is why! I can't NOT sleep. It makes me worse in ways I didn't think I'd ever notice. My aches and pain that is associated with the cancer and surgeries, it's worse. Mostly because I'm not clear enough headed to teach it how to lay down just a little so my body gets a break. That means I take more of the pain med during the day. Not over dosing on it, but using it more often, following the prescription, of course. I have a pain patch, and normally it takes care of me pretty well. I take a dose of Lortab in the AM, that gets a jump on break out pain. Normally I don't need but one more dose at night, to stay ahead of the night pain I get once in a while. So, two doses instead of four in twenty-four hours. Yesterday I got all four in, in twenty four hours. I couldn't stay ahead of the pain, mostly because I hadn't slept at night. During the day, when I sleep, my head goes 4million directions, I think, because my neck, inside and out, is killing me. Check the time, yep Lortab time. And with the fentanyl patch, Lortab actually works.
What will I do differently today? For starters I have therapy this morning. Then when I get home I'm going to purposely sleep. And I'll keep working on getting my days and nights back in line with the rest of the healthy world. I'm not certain why I want that, really. It's not like I have a job to go to. Therapy twice a week and taking The Boy to school are all I really have to do. Still, to fall in line with what normal people do for working hours (night shift folks, that's not a slam, you know what I'm talking about) just so I can get things done if I want. And then that's when Hospice and everything or one shows up. During the day, not at 0300. Getting my days back in order isn't terribly important, but it's a goal to work toward. Small? Yes. Life or death meeting? Hell no. Just something for me to work on fixing for myself. I feel my ass backward days are doomed. We'll see
Plus side things: While I haven't been sleeping at the appointed hours, I'm not bleeding any so far. That's a big plus. It's a bit disconcerting to see your own blood in your "cough" towel, and in the suction pot. It looks like a lot, but it's not, really. I think I've probably cut myself worse. The difference is that this is coming from inside me, instead of outside some place. A few years ago a caber got squirrelly on me and raked my right ear. I bled like a nut, but no one panicked. I laughed about it. When it's coming from inside you, and a bit quicker than the Doc. guessed it would be. That's probably what bugs me. And there is enough things that bug me about this dying bullshit I don't need to throw that on there as well. Right?
Book Of Rock: Stop over thinking every fucking thing!! Life ain't rocket science, unless that's what you do for a living. But working isn't always life, either.
Man, I mean really. If you are doing something, trust yourself. Your intuition is probably right. Thinking about it over and over and over again doesn't fix the problem, it means you've wasted time living over something you can't always fix.
It's like competing in the Heavy Athletics. You train. Your body knows how to do it right. But if you start worrying about whether you're spin technique is good, and you keep nit picking it, the next thing you know you're throwing for shit. Back me up here, fellow Heavy's.
And for your own sake, relax. Work as hard as you can. With out over thinking what you're doing, and relax while you're doing it, then your distance will improve. And that applies just as well to work.
Have fun today, minions LOL
OH! Side note. I napped and dreamed I was eating a chili dog. It was so realistic that I tried to chew. I can fell that because my jaw woke me up. It didn't like trying to chew and made a good effort of dislocating it self.
Really, Hugs and all that shit