Sunday, November 3, 2013

I hate being sick.

  Sure I hate being sick, who doesn't? But when you're already fighting cancer, it's like a damn slap in the face to get a bug. Boy, did I get a bug. Not only didn't I sleep, I spent that time trying to keep from throwing up. I did manage to sleep Friday, a little. Then I went to see my son march and play the tuba. They were one person short. He gave up his 3rd chair coronet spot, that he earned as a freshman, and volunteered to take on the tuba. He does well with it too. I'm pretty damn proud of him. But, of course there's caveat, I threw up an hour or so before we were gonna leave for the game. It's a mess, it wears me out, it makes me cranky, and it just plain sucks. So, I get calmed down from that, do the evening meds, and head out with my youngest daughter to watch her little brother march. We got there about 15 minutes before the coin toss, the band played the Star Spangled Banner. It still pisses me off when grown men my age can't take their fucking ball cap or cowboy off, and can't seem to find their heart with their right hand, when the National Anthem is played. Midland a patriot town? Not from what I've seen. Only when it makes them feel good about themselves or is convenient. Anyway, good game, I'm starting to hurt all over. Half time and the The Mighty Lee Rebel band is playing. They are good too. Suddenly I see why my kid is pissed off this year with his band. 3 trombone players, who've done the same routine all year, screw the pooch and forget where they are supposed to be. I feel Dec's frustration. I'm glad I got to watch him at least one more time, and the last time I'll see him march for a football game. Sometime tomorrow, if I'm not napping, I'll write him a letter telling him how proud I am of him and his hard work. In case he doesn't know that already.

  This will probably be really short, since I've not slept again during the night. I don't know what it is. I got damn near 8 hours Friday into Saturday, the about a 3 hour nap. I suspect the nap is what did it, although I've napped like that before and gone straight to sleep. I didn't sleep Thursday, because I was afraid I'd puke and might aspirate a lot before I could get myself taken care of properly. I'd hate to give myself pneumonia because I aspirated vomit. How fun....not. So, I did sleep a bit on Friday during the day. But I purposely tried not to nap so I could sleep Friday night. And I did. From Midnight until eight Saturday morning. Kinda threw my feed/med times out of whack, but what the hell, I slept. Then I slept from 10-11, then from 1 until 4 PM, now I'm wide awake, a little over twelve hours after that last nap. Holy drool Batman, I need to get my patterns back in order.

 There was a block party tonight that I forgot, or didn't know about. Chemo/Cancer brain is piss poor on short term stuff. Well, not all short term. But some. Lots of really good looking  food. I kinda shy away from stuff like that, because I have pretty decent neighbors. I say that because I spent a lot of my time way crowded in, because the neighbors want to see how I'm doing. Genuinely, they want to know. But I get sorta claustrophobic in big crowds. Or tightly packed crowded space. I can be in the smallest of places at work I'm fine. Put me in a crowd that just keeps getting more tightly packed, I'll show you near panic.  I've got really good neighbors. Probably better toward me that I have been in the past. I like all of them, but I didn't hang around with them much. We talk, we laugh, we've all had big meals at each others houses, generally for the entire block, or my birthday. I really am going to miss them, because they honestly care about each other on the block. That's a bit on the short end now days. This has always been kind of an old school block. We've all known each other, look out for each other and our kids. We've even wanted to throw down on each other once in a while. You know, like the good old days. The damnable shame of right now is this: I'd have loved to sat around and shot the shit with the neighbors, even if it meant writing everything out, skipping eating, or have that really good looking, extra damn cold bottle of beer I saw floating around. I couldn't though. The damn pain decided about 15 minutes after I got there to kick into over drive and knock the starch out of my sails. From my neck down to my waist was either a throbbing ache (muscle) or a stabbing pain (mouth and neck, assume here that it was cancer acting up) and I had to come home to take pain meds and sit. Bless their hearts, I gotta make it longer next weekend for the Goodbye Rocky BBQ. I wanted to call it the "Annual Goodbye Rocky BBQ" but that seemed kinda out of place.

  Thanks to all of you friends of mine, old and new, and followers of this blog. You all checked on me a lot, and I appreciate that. I just didn't feel like writing anything, because I couldn't keep a clear thought running long enough for me to type it out. That's sad, because I'm a really slow typist. All of you are part of the reason I do the blog. Family first, then all you guys. I felt, when I started this, that Tom Godfrey should just shush, because I was gonna do a blog after about a month of pestering me to start one. I don't think it's the one he had in mind, but it's a blog. I don't know about all of you readers, but this is a damn good thing for me, on a therapeutic level. I can blow off some steam here. I get to put the thoughts that bother me on here. All the things I used to hash out with someone I could talk too, are on the blog now. It helps keep me a bit more even keeled, and I'm not constantly trying to tell Liz what's going on. She needs a break from all the shit that's going on with this. Everyone in the family does. It's a burden to carry all that they are feeling now, and I am unable to fix that.  It bugs me to the Nth degree, because that's what Rocky did, he fixed things. All the time. Right now I'm the one that needs fixing, and that's a new role for me. I do as much for myself as I am able. Later on I'll need more help that I care to admit, so I'm hoping I'm kinda preparing the family for that time. It's gonna suck, and I'll probably be a pain in the ass for a while. No, no probably, I will be a pain in the ass.

  So, here I sit Medicated up, dozing off, and snapping back awake. Sometimes when I do that I find several lines of "F" or "D" and many other letters that I've fallen asleep with enough pressure on that finger to let it repeat. Looks funny as hell, I laugh.

 So, after being sick, I'm still way tired and my sleep patterns are all dicked up. It'll get better I'm sure.

 Sunday's To Do....Live life like a toddler. Everything is new, cool, and in some cases, goes right into your mouth. Kids are smarter than adults, they'll try everything without hesitation. Not always safe, but at least they are learning, right?

 Love ya kids.

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