Frustrating and fun, all in one spot. A bud came and ran my happy ass out to the field yesterday to see the guys and breeze away a little bit. I can make the trip out and back on my own, and not be one iota more tired than if I ride. Liz worries though, and the company is nice to have along. Funny how I really used to cherish my "alone" time. Part of why riding the bike was such a joy. Get on, get some breeze in the hair. Okay, at the time I shaved or buzz cut my hairs, but you know. While riding it was just the road, the bike, and me. Keep your mind in the middle, enjoy the scenery and scents, and just being with yourself. God, I do love that. But, like I say, company is always nice. Besides, we laugh, he got to meet my boss and a couple other people, and I introduced him as "Jamie, my driver". Made me look self important, which in reality I am, by the way. But, I hate to write, and Jamie understands close to half what I say, and is good at filling in what he doesn't catch, so I spoke more. Which means for a bit yesterday, and a lot more this morning, my damn throat is bleeding. I need to attend the funeral of my friend's step son. Not for the son, he's on his first leg of the next journey, and I wish him fair winds and following seas, I'll check on him when I get there myself. No, not for his son. For Eric and Barb, to support them in their hour of need and quiet desperation. I can't fathom the depth of the hurt of that, but it's got to be tremendous. But, if my throat's bleeding continues to get worse I'll be on the suction pump like a rat on cheese. I won't go, have to hack constantly, and suction every minute or two. That distraction they don't need. I've text him and let him know. I also know this is a terribly busy time and I hope he has a chance to get the text. I don't want him to think they both aren't on my mind and in my heart. Sometimes, this cancer shit blows dick for skittles. This is definitely one of those times.
Went to get coffee, knew I was bleeding a bit, and sometimes (oddly enough) the heat from the coffee will slow or stop the bleeding. I have to push that first syringe full in really fast though, so it over comes gravity and esophagus to hit the back of my throat where it's bleeding. Today, however, that did not work. Nor did the hard push of ice water that damn near gave me a brain freeze. Haven't had one of those in a long time. I gotta be careful, though, on how fast I push. I experiment with things like that. I don't wanna throw up up, so I practice at home going faster and faster until I did throw up. That was months ago. It is now an art. As stated several times, when I vomit it's a complete cluster coitus. I have hell stopping, and once, at home alone because Addison had gone with friends (something I encourage, she doesn't need to be watching my ass all the time), I threw up so many times I passed out. Fucking sucked because I wasn't even drunk. I'll tell ya, it's bad enough to puke, worse to pass out doing it, and damn hard to clean up the entire mess before anyone gets home to see it. I ruled that part like a boss. Slept almost 12 hours though. Wore me out.
Anyway, I'm having coffee, occasionally wiping a little blood off my chin, hopefully before anyone notices, when on of the guys says "You're leaking". Shit, I wipe my chin because it's numb from nerve damage. "No, your tube". Christ. Ten months and I forget to clamp my damn feeding tube when I pulled the syringe. Fortunately, most of it got caught by my cough towel, but I got some on my pants and on the floor. Yes, clean up in aisle one. So, now I'm doubly concerned. I'm bleeding, and it's getting worse, and I can't remember the simple shit like clamping the feeding tube. I shoulda stayed in bed. On that end, I fell asleep at 2100. Didn't wake up until 0300. Not once. Six hours straight is damn good for me, and I felt pretty good when I woke up, and still feel fairly perky.
Side bar. After dropping son off at school this morning (I miss getting to see him get his license, dammit) and heading for home, I get tailgated. Nothing new for this asshole driver's town. But, dickhead, if I'm driving under twenty in a school zone, because kids are jumping in and out of the street, you look like an asshole. Therefore, don't get fucking angry because I hold a printed note up at my window that says "Nice tailgating , you asshole" Front and back of a page, big letters. I assume they saw it, because they flipped me off and were cussing. Busted being an asshole, don't be offended, fix your ass. Douche mongrel.
So, yes, I'm struggling here with the right thing to do. Neither option is even a portion of the right thing to do. I've text my friend, he's text me back. He understands. I knew he would. He's a good man. I don't like the option to miss. I'm not going to become a distraction at all. Fuck I hate this. I hate it because I bucked the odds yesterday, knowing full well that my speaking may make my throat bleed. Damn, my fault this time, all the way around. I'm more pissed off at myself than the cancer, even. So that's pretty damn pissed. We are texting back and forth. He is a good man. He's one of the folks that earns and deserves my respect, and he's making allowances for me on a day like today. He's a very good man indeed. I tried on all my dress slacks that fit last year. I'm thirty pounds lighter, and all the pants are too tight. Seems like when I quit all the core work I was doing even after the PEG line went in, I am getting pot bellied. Had to quit. Not only did it hurt like hell, it made the stoma bleed more than it should. Bad when you look down and notice a dark patch on a dark blue tee shirt, and realize it's blood from your PEG line stoma because you've irritated it beyond just angry clear up to "fuck you, take that asshole". So, if I am able to attend, it will be black kilt, nice shirt and sweater. No tie, seems the trach gets in the way of a tie and I can't breath well.
Dig that shit. My friend has a step son suddenly die, his family is upended, and I'm pissed at my lack of dress clothing. Christ almighty. What an egoist. Gotta work on getting a bit more over myself.
We went to the viewing and time for his family, but only for a few minutes. Liz was uncomfortable. I don't blame her, so was I. She was, because that's where I'm going to end up. It's not too far fetched that she's gonna have a gut full of the funeral home in a few months. I don't blame her for being uncomfortable. I was because I have no words of comfort for the family. Nothing. I can hug, express my sorrow with them, but there are no words that can assuage the anguish they feel. I hope that they understand that they truly are in my thoughts today, and into the future as well. I don't think you ever get totally over it, but I believe you come to terms with it. Either way, it's a very tough row to hoe.
Tomorrow I'm going to do something I've never done before in my life. I'm gonna ask the impossible. I'm asking for all the strength I had in June 2008, a ball bat, and twelve hours. I'm so fucking tired of the way people drive here, including the police, that every time I see some dick endangering others, I'm gonna use the ball bat on them. Perhaps if a sixty or eighty ass holes get dented a little, people will pay attention. You stupid bastards have killed thirty-eight people in the county with your shit headed driving, including fourteen people in town. In TOWN. You simpleton, dumb assed, self centered cock bites. Dallas has ten times the people here, so they'd have to have 380 traffic deaths to equal this county's per capita highway death rate. Don't you morons understand just how shit headed you are? No, because Midland County has always thought of itself as better than anywhere else on God's green earth. For all the good things here, that attitude damn near trumps everything else. Stop being dicks.
Wow, the driving thing has me wound up this morning. Probably because a kid died in his sleep before he had a real chance to taste the best part of living, and the way people drive here proves they have no regard for anything or anyone but themselves. That's not living, that's getting in the way of people who are trying to live. That pisses me off. We don't deserve a good life, we do deserve the chance to have it. The way people drive here puts that at risk, all because they can't get their ass around soon enough in the day to get where they are going without driving like dick heads. Man, I had thirty nine miles to go if I got called out when working at Notrees. In town, speed limit, obey all the signs and lights. Open highway, as fast as that truck would run safely. Generally around ninety or so, since Chevy kills the engine at ninety six. I went that fast because I don't like to have salt water or oil on the ground. It's bad.
I'm on a tear, because I'm worn smooth out with people and their ass wipe attitudes. That goes for people in government that think their asses are so wonderful they know what's best for me. You don't, you're play acting at being over privileged, Democrats and Republicans both. Stay the fuck out of the way, and watch your country become what it should be, and already is, the greatest place on earth to live. Especially without you nitwits playing like you're genius. Sure, we need some rules and regulations because there are always some ass hole's that aren't going to do what's right from the get go. We wouldn't need the EPA if the Ohio River hadn't caught fire twice. Stupid bastards were too cheap to do proper procedures to prevent that. But really, there is no way any government can take care of every body in every direction. The burden will collapse us all. Get a damn clue.
And you nice, whatever this group of twenty something's call themselves, don't deserve jack shit other than a shot at being something. You don't deserve my respect, a living, health insurance, a retirement, a secure job, the perfect house, high wages. None of that. Earn that shit and quit pissing and moaning how fucking unfair life is. No shit, it's true, life ain't fair, and just because you went to college doesn't mean you should get the fast track promotions, get higher wages, or anything else for that matter simply because you went out and got a job in the first place. Someone should have kicked your parents asses for not saying "NO" more often. Lots of you do work at earning that kind of respect and accolades. But it's time to grab your vocal contemporaries and bitch slap them senseless. I listened to a guy I worked with want a full time, not relief pumping job after he'd worked at relief pumping for six months. Never worked in the patch before that at all. He got it when I moved up on my recommendation. The rat bastard spent the next six months bitching about how much work it was, and wanting my Tech job because he thought he'd earned it. I guess telling him to kiss my ass, that he was making me look like a douche bag because all he did was bitch after I went to bat for him, probably wasn't the best way to handle that, but I was tired of it then, damn sure am now.
We don't even have Thanksgiving any longer. Halloween ends, Christmas shit hits the stores. I'm beginning to loathe Christmas. Not the holiday, but the way people behave this time of year. Even if you're not a believer, JC's message is a good one. Be nice. Basically that's all it is, Be Nice. Too many people turn asshole. Including Ma and Pa stores, not just the big corporations. There's something innately wrong with the entire idea that gifts are what it's about. Wrong, and again, believer or not, it should be about celebrating the life of a man and philosopher that carried a message of brotherhood and hope. The life has been sucked out of that message for certain. I get a nice surprise or two every Christmas, because someone gets me a gift other than what I asked for. Other than Socks and Underwear. It's all I need, socks and underwear. I get all the material shit I want all year long. What we need is a bit more inner soul searching and a lot less "I want".
A little white lie ain't gonna kill ya. When I'm having a coughing fit in public, and it happens. I get "Are you okay?", genuine concern 99.9% of the time, I can see it in their face through my watery eyes. No, I'm not really okay, I'm fighting not throwing up, I'm having hell catching a breath. But I will tell you every time "Yes, I'm fine" by nodding my head. You have taken the time to check on me, I appreciate it. And while there is nothing that can be done but letting it run it's course, I'm no way going to burden your genuine concern by adding worry to the list. I will be fine, but may not be right there at that moment. Sometimes, people need a moment of relief, not a moment of "oh fuck, what do I do?". You've, done plenty just by asking. Don't ever stop doing that. Someday, someone will say "No, I need help", just be ready to do that as well.
I'm a skeptical and a bit cynical. I see people begging a lot. And those without mental issues, that's a result of the choices you make along the way. I'm sure I'm going to get "But! They can't find work!". And why is that? Can't keep your nose outta the bottle? Won't do menial tasks? What? And yes, I've heard and seen that some people can't find a job because of education making them over qualified to flip burgers. In one sense I get that, you'll split the instant a job you're trained and educated for pops up. There's no incentive for you to stay. And some managers of some of those places are intimidated by you, so yeah, I get that. But, when I'm at a light, and you're begging in your scruffy assed clothes. Have the courtesy to wait until the people to whom you are throwing your woe is me pitch are far enough away that they can't see you walk across the road and get into a restored Datsun 240Z. You've just become an asshole the instant I saw that. Especially when you combed out your hair and beard, took off that nasty jacket, and looked more presentable. Yes, asshole, I watched you do that from a convenience store parking lot while I was getting a soda last year. You're still begging. You're still an ass hole.
I like a lot of people. I'll argue with all of them. If you're a friend of mine, at one time or another I'll piss you off, and you'll piss me off. That's the burden of being a friend of mine. I don't stay angry with you, ever, won't happen. Let someone else crawl your back, I'll be there with a big stick and my KBar. But, we, we can fight all we want. That won't change my opinion of you one iota. There's more to you if you're a friend of mine, than being in agreement with me all the time. And damn sure more than me being in agreement with you all the time. I'm a pretty loyal buddy. Even if we don't often correspond, after decades of not seeing each other. You're still my friend, our lives are just not meshing like they once did. If you've become a thief, chronic liar, wife or child beater, we're quits. No explanation, nothing, we're done. If you've had a rough time, things haven't gone as you'd liked, or even imagined, that's okay, some of my life hasn't either. We're still buds.
I'm more critical of myself than anyone of you will ever be. It's my nature. I work hard at making myself better. At times that includes setting lofty personal goals that may or may not be attainable. I do that so as to be a better man, husband, father and friend. What you see as a minor flaw, I see as almost mountainous. Don't let this knowledge dissuade you from being critical. I can handle it, and if it's something that's legitimate and I want to correct, I welcome the input. No, I will not stop fucking cussing. I'm good at it, it's an art with me. I will not change.
Who are the most attractive women on earth, besides my wife? Easy. You're the women with the fire in your eyes. You're smart, compassionate, passionate, kind, and yet hard as nails. You like yourself first and don't live for the next mani/pedi day with your fake tits and nails clan. Yes, I know women with fake boobs who are in the Most Attractive column. The tits didn't make you, you were already made, the fake boobs are like sprinkles on the ice cream. You'll stand up for yourself, without sounding bitchy or whiny. You don't suffer fools, but are diplomatic enough to tell them off and have them believing it's a compliment. It doesn't matter how you're built, that's what makes you attractive. If the men around you can't see that, they are far too stupid to be in your company. Do not let them drag you down.
If for some unGodly reason, I had to have a fist fight (I walked away from 99% of the bull shit that got thrown when I was young), it didn't last long. It was over in two minutes or less with me walking away. Much longer than that and I was in deep shit. I don't like to fight. I will, I was fair at it, because in a fist fight no one wins. One or both of us were too stupid to find a way just to walk off until shit cooled down. That's a fact. So, when it came to the fine nut cuttin, I don't wait, I don't push, I don't yell. If it's what you really wanna do, I'm gonna fuck you up fast enough I don't get very hurt. If it comes down to the point you've beaten me, you'll wish to God you hadn't tried. More than a few fights, some defending other people, some because what I thought was funny got me popped instead, never the same person twice. It was unpleasant for both of us. I do not like it, I avoid it as often as I can. Not hard now, I can't be so bold as I once was. I'm too fucked up physically to jump in even if I had to. No, that's not right, I see a woman or a kid being harmed in anyway, I'll still step in. I hope I have one shot to kick your knee out, or have something heavy enough to knock you out now. It didn't used to matter
I've gotten a bit more patient. Nope, sorry, that's total bullshit. Moving on
I've ranted my ass off today. I figure it's because today I feel less in control than most days. I can't control what the cancer is doing to me on a physical level. My friend's family is suffering, and I'm afraid of being a distraction, so I'm not in control of my bleeding. Calculated risk yesterday and I flubbed it for today. Unsound move on my part. I assume this is a good assessment as to why I ranted. Anyone with any other reasons why, I'm open to hear those.
Book Of Rock: When I'm coughing, I know it's nasty and sounds terrible. But I swear to God Almighty, if you give me stink eye when I can see what you're eating, I'm gonna rub my snot all over your head, you pig.