Thursday, November 21, 2013


  Well, we've tried a steroid to help with some swelling. That stops today! I'm having real live, real difficult to control, anger issues. It took about 5 days longer than I thought it would, but boy, are they here today. I'm stiff as an ironing board, and feel like I'm holding back an explosion. That's no good at all. When everything you see starts really making you want to just beat it to death with a dessert spoon, I'd say there is something wrong. When my Hospice nurse and I talked about using the steroid I told him I'd had nothing but bad results, but would give it a shot. It's had that shot, and boy it isn't fun at all. I have sudden flashes of myself jumping some 7' tall monster out there, because I feel 10' tall and bulletproof right now. That's no good. I'm a bit messed up for any kind of shenanigans such as that. Back 5 years ago, about this time actually, they HAD to give me steroids to help with what the 5FU was doing to my system. I was trying to work as well. A gang pusher accused me of stealing his chicken shit aluminum 36" Pipe Wrench. I don't like those, I prefer steel, I've broken aluminum wrenches before. So, instead of saying "No, you left it somewhere, I'll go find it for you", I walked the 40' to my work truck, got my steel wrench out, and threw it at his head. It went the 40' (if I could have done that in the Highland Games with a 28# weight, I'd been excited) and past his head by about a foot. Bad aim on my part. Anyway, I went  right to the office and told my boss I couldn't work anymore and went home on Short Term Dis. Later, Liz wanted to shoot me. I don't like steroids and they do not like me either. I will say, though, that did stick with that gang pusher. I came back to work 4 months later, weighing all of 165 down from 225, and that normally lippy ass wipe was very congenial and soft spoken, at least to me.

 So, fun and games. The damn steroids make it difficult for me to concentrate on somethings, but bore in like a laser on others. It's weird, because I have no idea what in the hell is going to be that which attracts my attention. I mean, on one level that's kind of interesting, while on another it's damn annoying. Anyway, it makes me edgy and I don't like that. It's not like I'm a little aggressive to begin with, I don't need any help being more so. Especially missing a tit and about 40% of what muscle mass I used to carry around. No, steroids bad. It does, however, lend to some really colorful language which I cannot speak, and it loses something from mouth to print on a notebook paper. It also adds to my lack of patience. I wrote what I wanted on a page of notebook paper for my coffee at StarBucks this morning about 0900. There were a couple of people in front of me, no biggy at first. Then they both got to dicking around with their phones. Looking at the menu that hasn't changed in 4 years, back to the phone. Then "I can't decide". So, being ever so patient, I torn out the page with my coffee order, and on the next sheet wrote, "fuck me senseless, would you please shit or get off the fucking pot?". That was not as cordial as I believe the young man was used to getting when notes are passed. He looked sort of blustery. Then stomped off with nothing. Gosh, if he didn't want anything, why did he come in there in the first place? I did go have my coffee on the patio so I could enjoy the very nice 65 degree weather we are having this morning. It was quiet and peaceful, bless my soul.

 I also find that this particular steroid sets me to over salivating, like a Pavlovian dog. That too, is unacceptable. I'm into the suction more now than I was yesterday when I was bleeding enough I had to keep the overflow wiped off my chin. Saliva isn't as noticeable on my chin, but it's just as nasty when it runs out of the corner of my mouth, and into my chin scar, much like a river following a channel. Wipe, suction, wipe, suction,wipe. If that were my ass instead of my mouth, I'd be so chafed I couldn't walk. Then again, why would I suction my ass? There is no telling, since for the next few hours, hopefully not days, I am riding the Steroid Train of Unpredictability. With me, it's almost Heisenbergesque. The honest to goodness Uncertainty Principle. I can't ask anyone to observe me, because even  I am uncertain as to what comes next. Drool seems to be the constant. I appear to be one half of some science project where in the drool is the control group. Only because it's the only thing that seems even remotely consistent. That should, I suppose, run me absolutely crazy, and yet it does not. Which also throws off exactly why some things make me angry and others do not. You'd think, wouldn't you, that drool pouring out of the mouth of someone with my sense of vanity and short fuse combo, would set off a tirade of epic proportions. Not so. It's a bit annoying, but not freak outable. Hmmmm

  A bit more serious, though. I'm way tired today. Not certain why, but something has worn me smooth out. I slept  5 hours solid. Could maybe have gone a bit more, but had to get up and get around. I napped yesterday as well for a bit. I don't believe it's from overexertion, so I'm going to go with the cancer having a field day today. I say that because I really do feel some out of sorts, and it's not all to be blamed on the steroids. Those kind of fire me up. So I don't know exactly why, just taking a guess. If this sticks around for the weekend and into next week, then I've got something going on internally. Which, of course, is the cancer doing it's thing in fits and starts. I know it constantly is changing and growing, but there are times I swear I can feel it quick, then double, then triple timing it along for a bit before it settles in for a while with steady growth. This may be one of those times. And because it's all so fun to have that going on, I'm ready to go dancing. Not

 Overall, I feel pretty decent. Today is the least well I've felt since Sunday. Sunday was such a down day I could be one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel and I'd feel better than I did Sunday. Lesson to Self: When you feel dandy in the AM, get the hell outside and enjoy it, dumb ass. I did that this morning after therapy. My surgical line where my pec tendon or muscle attachment runs up into my neck has been very stiff and hard to move with the last couple of days. Today's therapy loosened that up a lot and I've gotten some better head movement, rotation, and alignment. All that is a good thing. When that happens I have less neck, shoulder and back pain. When that area gets tight, everything else tries to compensate for it, and that tends to make me ache all over from the waist up. Sadly, when it gets like that, there is very little I can do from the house to alleviate the stress and loss of movement. I'm hoping this hangs in there through the weekend. I knew I should have gotten a book on kinesiology, just so when I talk with my therapist, I can write down exactly what's going on. Might make is easier on both of us if we have a good starting point, rather than "around my….".  I've got a little time, I may check on that anyway.

 Once in a while the cancer shit all feels like it's got me pinned down and won't even let me up for a breath. That doesn't happen often, but since I promised I'd be open and honest with everyone, I have to say that, even though it irks me to no end. I don't let it last long, because that kind of mental debate will wear you so fast that you'll swear it was done by the cancer just to gain an edge. Truthfully the cancer is no where near that smart. It's out of control with it's cellular mitosis, so it will continue on, the opportunistic bastard. Stress I know will speed things up, one more reason to drop the steroids today. And hopefully if I can get enough liquid in, flush my system pretty quickly. It took several days to build up to this point, I would assume it will take that or more to get it completely out. I hope that is not the case. Hmmmm, cancer is truly the "divide and conquer" disease. It's cells divide at an uncontrolled rate, and it eventually conquers the body by doing so.

 See how the steroids send me off on the these weird side roads? I don't know that it's wonderful or spooky, but it's something else, that's for certain.

 Okay. So I don't set here and start to wind up again like a thirty day clock, I'm gonna shut this down and try a nap.

Book of Rock: Once in a while stomp in the puddle. It ain't gonna hurt anyone, and it's fun to watch the folks try and dodge the flying water

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