I've Had More Fun

    Ive had more fun than I should have, just not lately. I can't keep my eyes open to save my life. I get up, I do the feed bag thing, I rinse the bag and PEG line. I set down, and out go the lights. Christ it's annoying. No, annoying is only close to what is bothersome. The fact that I can't stay awake is costing me family time. The only thing I really hold dearly and it's getting away from me, time with my family. If I'm not asleep, I need help with something, or I'm being tired, or grouchy, or all of it at one time. I'm having panic problems. Fuck, I've never been afraid of anything to PANIC over. What the Fuck is this noise, then? The damn anxiety/panic attacks have got to fucking stop and I mean right fucking now. I feel like I don't have enough time the way it is to panic.

  Liz is my greatest help, my one true friend, my anchor and my sun. So for her, I've got to get the hardness back in me, so she can deal with whatever else comes along. She says "For better or worse, sickness and in health! Because I love you!" Yep, she does, and I love her more than anything on earth. She says she wants to know how to help me. I'd love to show her how, but I can't unless I can keep my head glued on straight. Anxiety and panic attacks are not glued on right. I can't help her unless I find why I have them. what's bring them on and learning to shut down that damn life sucking bastards long enough to teach Liz how to take care of me. Liz needs to take care of herself, first. There are things we talked about that she just can't afford to do, all the insurance is going to go to help her out, the grown kids have to learn to make their own way just like Liz and I did ours. They can all do it, because I gave them the tools, they just need to sort out which tools work for then and they'll become the bigger successes than even I believe they can be at this point. They are all already better persons at their age than I was mine. All I knew was how to fight and win. I didn't see the long term consequences  like my kids see. A man in his moment. That was the best I could do. Not what should be our goal as men and leaders "A man in his moment, looking to the future". That makes us the real men, Bell, Edison, Tesla, Goddard, Einstein. Every one of those men  in their moment, with eyes to the future. No, I don't think I'll ever possess that kind of genius, few of us ever do. All I want for my kids is to be the kind of people that see that moment, be in that moment, and see the future they can create in their moment. All four of them can do that right now, they've got the jump on the old man.

   I've had more fun. All of it is in that second paragraph. I've had my moments. More than a few, but I didn't look past them. All I could see was what a good job I'd done, not the ability to teach others how to do something equally as easily. It started to come to me, about the year before I got ill. It was the first time someone said anything remotely to what I always thought, and I thought he was bull shitting me. But I promised him I'd give it a try. My Boss at the Spraberry Aldwell Unit looked at me, serious as a broke leg, "Rocky, you're these guys leader. I can tell them what I want out of them, give them all the reasons it's good for the company, and good for them. They believe you. You're able to work with them when I can't because I'm tied up behind this desk. You're their leader. Fucking act like it". First time I ever took that to heart. So I tried. I hope like hell I did, and I was effective.  That was the fifth or sixth time I was in my moment, and this time I did see the future. I hope I was up to the task.


   This one is really short. I'm having hell staying awake. Meds, cancer, late nights, they are catching me finally.
 Maybe something different tonight or tomorrow