Holy Smoke!!! Three days since I last blogged? Okay, I stayed up 29 hrs from Friday morning at 0300 until I hit the sack at 0800 or so on Saturday, after I fixed Liz her breakfast. I slept nearly all through the day, and most of the day Sunday, or I would have if I hadn't forced myself to stay awake. Now I feel wide awake. I know that's not the case. I'm just sooo damn tired all the time anymore. I have hours of go get em energy, but not in a row. I'm tired far more than I'm not these days. Friday, though, damn that was a good day! I felt like getting out and doing things. I didn't blog then because I was having too much fun just being awake and feeling like I could do something. Those days are so far and few between now, I revel in them. I was showered, drugged, and eaten before I got Addison up to take her to breakfast. We don't talk much, we never have, about the only thing I regret. But, she's one of the rare people I can be near, and be relaxed and not feel like I have to converse. It's a good thing. But the time, man it's beginning to go, I fear. I am probably depressed, and that's probably more than half the reason I'm so tired. Fuck I hope so, I can get stronger "Be Happy, Dickhead" meds but nothing is going to stop the cancer. We have, though, hit the right spot with the pain meds, they work like a charm.
So, what's the gig? The sudden shot of being tired all the time. I mean fuck, I am tired all the time, have been for a couple of months, but not to the point the only thing that mattered was sleeping. I didn't care whether I ate or not. The lovely wife fixed my Meds Saturday night, and gave me a full dose of Phillips Cherry Flavored Milk of Make a Poo. I go half doses. Does the same thing, more of a little at a time rather than "RUN!!! IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!!". I do know now, how a Saturn rocket felt. Fast ignition, quick burn out! I understand that taking "Go Lightly" does the same thing. That's been that way for a year, so that's nothing new. Feeling so tired all the so fast, that's not. I've had time by simple slower moving toward the end, when a new effect just gets really noticeable. You know, time to adapt how I do things. But this seemed to hit really hard and fast. Or it's been doing that and I've pushed it toward the back burner. I feel though, that my time is moving closer at a rate faster than I like. You know, like pre-November 2012 until now. That certainly put a damper on my game. I did something unusual for me as well, these past two days. I didn't start looking for a direction around that. That is off kilter for me. There's a really good chance it's from dehydration. I don't recall how much I drank, but I know I've added more fluid today, and I do feel more active. I'm going to keep that up. Perhaps that's part of the answer.
I've also let my mind wander into areas I'd sworn to myself I'd not let it go. I was thinking of how the house would be a year after I'm gone. What the fuck good is that? No fucking good is what that is aiming toward. Those kind of things will wear you out faster than trying to run with all my joints aching, my trach full of secretions, and up hill. That's detrimental, and over thinking my situation. I DO NOT want to help myself become unable to help myself any faster than is necessary. Instead of thinking about what happens with the body shuts down, I should be focused on what happens the moments I'm awake, not what's coming when the lights go out for the final time. Have I caused some of this by not doing the blog, along with some other of the things I'd like to complete? Possibly. I feel, this evening, that I've gone from being a strong supporter of myself and others, to some whiny sack of jello that's too confused to even figure out how to make my day the best it can possibly become. From morning until evening, that's how I should operate.
So, let me explore that just a little, since my mind is actually more clear than it's been since 0800 Saturday. My aim, when I went into this blog, was to try and help people understand, maybe be a bit less afraid, because a little less afraid is a HUGE accomplishment. I've learned what it's like to be afraid. It fucking sucks. It brings down you're ability to think straight, to work on a solution, to come to grips with what's happening and either fix it, or learn a new way to work around that problem. Be it through self hypnosis (I learned that thirty-mumble years ago for insomnia) to a new or different dosage of drug. Some of it there is now way to get around, it's going to be a scary situation for me every time it comes around. It's coming around for more often than it used to come about. That sucks. It sucks in the manner that it's something I have to do to myself, far more frequently than I used to have to do it. It's deep lavage of my trach. It involves using a bolus of saline and a thin trach hose to suck out the hardening secretions. Even with Mucinex, they are thicker and harder to clear than ever. I believe I got this way last year, but it's difficult to say. I know that I did it a couple of times is all, because it could have been wet concrete and I could have blown it through the trach. Not now, simply because I don't have the sauce to drive that stuff out like I was used to doing. All this is adding up to the two big things that I believe are sapping my energy. Advancing Cancer and depression. Mild or moderate, I'm not certain which, but I'm almost positive I'm some form of depressed. I don't think that'd be possible to avoid. It's something I'm going to talk with my nurse about tomorrow, or Tuesday, depending on which day he is able to come around. They are short handed because of illness. Just like everyone else is around here. The boom is on, but beginning to flatten out a bit. The edges have been found, I would imagine, and filling in the areas inside the edges is always slower. They have the fields defined, now it's making the production stay consistent or grow more slowly. You're always looking to improve reserves, it's just slower now.
I'm still concerned more about my family and how hey are going to get along, than I am with myself. I know what my end will be, but they are my concern now. I suppose that's how it would be with me if I weren't dying. Probably not, but it's something to think about, but not over think it so far as to make it a depression aiding event. They will, like everyone else, do as well as they can manage. I would, however, love to hit a couple or fifty million dollar lottery before I expire.
The problem with wondering why I got tired so quickly had almost become a problem within itself. I could not come to grips with the fact that I hadn't gotten enough fluid and let myself dehydrate. It wasn't that big a deal, really, if I'd stopped being so damned stubborn about only ONE reason I was tired all the time, I'd seen I wasn't getting enough fluids. Dick. Well, it happens, and there's no reason to sit here and dwell upon it. It's what dehydration can do, clog up your ability to see things clearly, or at least objectively so that you can fix it. If Liz hadn't asked about fluids today, I'd probably not take them in then, either. In fact, I went to a couple of places I sat Friday into very early Saturday morning. They all had nothing but melted ice in them. I'd not taken a drink of anything I'd wanted to drink. No signs of Gatorade, nothing. I kept blowing it off and in turn simply got more and more tired as time moved on. Foolish behavior. I have, however, come to realize why I didn't. Before Jan 22, 2013, I could grab a water, soda pop, tea, anything to drink, and just slam it down. It's work now. I may have gotten lazier simply because it's a near pain in the ass to ingest fluids.
Okay, that's enough of the "Rocky figures it out". Today's blog is brought to you by the number "M" and the letter 14.
No comments:
Post a Comment