Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Who Thought

  I talked with my Hospice Nurse yesterday, went over the sleepless nights and sleep all day stuff. Then the sleep all day, up part of the night, gig. And finally, that I have to drag myself to anything I like.
There were also the "Not Wanting to Do Anything" crowds. That pissed me off to no end, because I sort of had an idea as to what it was that was bothering me. Then you read that you're 90% of the way to getting it taken care of because you admit it.
  I am mildly depressed. I'm not o certain why that is, since I told people and reduced my "edgy" work with folk. I was denying the fact that I needed something to do about the depression. Well, I got that this afternoon. I looked at the label…same old warnings there, but I've not read the inside literature to see what the exact side effects are, or what I can and can't do using it. Warning on the bottle says "Do Not Consume Alcohol While Taking This Drug", "You may becoming sleepy", duh. I just took the fun  stuff today. I'd say sleepy don't cover it. For me it should have read: "Sleep Like Sleeping Beauty". The standard warnings of operation machinery are included on the bottle. The Nurse said you should have your energy back in 4-7 days and feel much better. That will be nice, for sure. I've known for a couple of months this is what it was. But, because I'm strong willed, I'd wear it down and it would just go away. Nope, that didn't happen. Then I was perplexed at myself. "What do I mean telling Me about the depression, and the drugs without letting me tell some one?". Well, it wouldn't have hurt me an iota to come out and say "I'm mildly depressed, I think I'll get some help with that before this turns into a huge problem.". Which, by putting it off in one more week, did. It got a nice grip on me so I have to beat it away with drugs, chemicals, and probably some counseling. Drugs ok…..Counseling not so much. On the one hand it will help to get my shit out in the open. But I've got my blog to help with that.
  Look closely. I just did exaction what I tell people NOT to do. Don't say "Hell, I can fix it just like Rock. And if you think you can, give it a very short whirl. Not weeks on end, like I did, trying to fix it all by ourselves. It may or may not happen. I'm missing the boat if you all think I'm endorsing going cold turkey.  I am saying, get help. I feel like I blew off a couple of weeks that probably wouldn't have been lost if I'd nosy, and asked for help both times. I ended up settling for the best help. Isn't that
a damn waste of what time I've got left? Hell yes it is.
 So I'm getting the help I need and feeling better about being out in public, already and I've not take a dose yet. I may be jumping the shark a bit, but it's good to get a strong response for help when in need of help. Mostly, I just wanted to sit and do nothing. I didn't want to go get coffee with the buds. No running around for therapy or anything else. We'd go to a movie, and because I just didn't give a shit, I'd fall asleep. I forced myself to eat and drink (talked about dehydrating didn't we). So, first dose in, and I'm going to wait until damn near bed time to take the dose tomorrow and every day following. It'd be nice to be able to stay awake and watch one of the TV shows I like, rather than fall asleep and have have missed more than half out of the middle. I'm optimistic about the drug doing it's thing. This cracks my Hospice Nurse up. He says, after we talk, that I'm going to get an anti-depressant. I stopped him before he could finish his sentence and wrote out, "It's going to take seven to ten days for the drug to really start showing any signs of helping.". He thinks I looked it up online. Naw, I've had friends have to take the meds, I know how they work, at least at the "loading" stage goes. I put it akin to Kreotine mix I used for a couple of months trying to build muscle faster. List of bad side effects was staggering.
Sleepless, Anger, the shits, achy joints, just to name a few. I got angry, wide awake, and sore knees, the list of stuff both on the bottle info and in me ran the same. I got over those, simply because it wasn't worth the hassle I was causing at home.

  About time to fold the tent up, and move into the Land of True Enchantment, Dream Land. Here's to hoping that dreams appear after I've cast off these mortal coils.

  Be good, have fun, honestly stop and smell the roses once in a while. Once that time has passed, and you're unable to do that any more, it gets a bit more frantic looking for (What Haven't I Done?). No Bucket List for me. It'd be full except for a couple of items. So I call that a pretty damn good run at life.

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