Saturday, October 25, 2014
So This Was The Fight. I Have to Lie Down Now!
Well, as I said in the past so many times, "When it comes, only I'll be the one that notices." That time when Baxter has taken my physical ability to get up and knock his ass right back down. We've talked about how long that might take, or how rapidly it would deteriorate into a bloody knock drag out. The knock down drag out came along about 3 weeks ago. Right before the best harvest I've seen a block garden work. Truly a thing of beauty, and such wonderful work from the agreement between city and neighborhood, it's a shame they all didn't work like that. Anyway, the "Donnie Brooke" we all expected to come catch up with me did so.....Oh God, so fast my head just settled in and let it come on. So I did that. The Cancer took a shot, sat down next to me and we measured our ability to get back up and get around. We found we were both just too tired to do any of that anymore. We sit here, and once in a while give each other a smack.
I thought I was hookin it along and could skip around the trip I was planning with Liz to cook for her Highland Games buddies. That was a terrible lapse in judgement. Nope, it got me right off the bat. No energy, increasing pain, loss of strength. All the things that I had decided would be the tether and bind that would determine if I kept up the fight every day. The worst time I've ever had, hit me Friday afternoon. Why? Because not only did I see the weakening and frailty increasing, I believe the light of my Life, Liz, saw it first. I had to back out.
Surrender. I had to stop. I had to send Liz on her trip alone. It was me failing myself. Good gravy!!! Well, it was bound to happen. I've got what I expected, only four or five months sooner than I would have liked.
So, this is how it stands. This is the turn to Critical Mass. I'll be up doing less, simply because the good days are going to be the good minutes, mixed in with really sucky times. It's all part of the this chicken shit dying part, it's gonna walk me down, not run me as I would have hoped. No, it won't be tomorrow, or the next day, or weeks, I hope. I'd like to go over some things to help clear this plate, so it can be a sounding board for upcoming events and things of interest. I am prepared to do lists and all that they entail without help, it's just no fun that way.
That some of you did come away less afraid of what may happen. There truly is nothing more frightening than the unknown.
That my dying has been given an "honorable" status. Liz hated that. I hope she sees it now.
That Liz and the family are stronger than they believed themselves to he before this. I think so.
That none of this has been a waste of my precious time.
That the things and directions I like to see people move in were, and still are. helpful to them. I hear in PM's that they are helping, and I'm very comforted in that, as Critical Mass moves forward.
Okay, that's it for the informational post. Short may it be, long may it live. ROFL