Monday, September 16, 2013

Again? Really?

  My buddy Dennis made it home in one piece. That's always nice considering once he clears the Permian Basin the chances of surviving on the highway goes up considerably. Folks out here haven't ever been able to drive worth a damn, and it's worse now. The last time I went to Daytona Beach on the bike, the only cars I had tailgate, cut off, or damn near hit me all had Texas tags. And people here wonder why Texas has such a bad rap. Sheesh.

   Again with the bleeding throat. Gee whiz that's fun!! There's nothing quite like aspirating and coughing up a nice, big honkin glob of bright red shit out of your trach tube three or four times during the night. Then suctioning it out in the morning. It's not the bleeding, it's tasting the blood that sucks. Hell, I've been hit in the mouth enough to know that coppery, slick, ick, taste of blood. It's getting a tad worse and the weeks move along. When I first noticed it a little over a month or go, it would be just a touch, and it would stop in an hour or so. And that wasn't very often or with any regularity. Now it's two or three times a week and goes on for that hour, and sometimes up to eight or ten hours. Not that it's like I've blown a vessel in my throat or anything, but it's enough it shows up. It could be several things, and all of those are related in some way to Baxter, that devious shit. Some of the symptoms I'm to expect are, you guessed it, bleeding. I'll get tired faster: Check, My energy level will fall: Check, the pain will increase: Check. Hmmm, Baxter is tripping along just like I figured he would. I can almost tell you when he picks up and scoots around so as to do his work in several places. My normal level of tired ramps up, and I just wanna sleep all the time. Actually to the near point of narcolepsy. Crazy stuff this Baxter is pulling.
 I've got some other minor physical issues that I suspect will continue to increase. I believe Baxter is checking into my lymph node hotel. and trying to book every room. I'm starting to get some swelling under my arms and around the side of my neck they didn't cut nodes out. I am retaining fluid from my collar bones up, and some down my left side. I believe all that is Baxter related. After all, he liked my lymph nodes 5 years ago, no reason he shouldn't enjoy staying at them again.
  Also, my shoulders and muscle around my shoulder blades just won't quit hurting. Sometimes worse than others, sometimes not bad at all, but alway some pain or another going on there. I don't recall if that's one of the symptoms or not. I do know that some of it is directly related to my surgery and how it's messing with my biomechanics. Where they left my pec tied into my chest is tightening up and puling my shoulder in and my head down. We started with some KTape yesterday, and I think that it's already beginning to help. I know that I can't swallow as well, or as much. I'm beginning to think that it's getting toward the end of my SLP therapy. There's no use taking up my therapists time if it's not helping. I'll know by the end of next week. The lymphedema therapy though, is still helping. Getting rid of some of that built up fluid in my face and neck helps a lot. Right now though, it builds back in almost as fast as they can get it cleared out. I may be winding down on that therapy as well. We'll just have to see how that goes. I'm funny, I guess, in that I'll be ready to quit ahead of my therapists. And these are good people, too. They aren't out to hang it in the insurance company just for a chance to treat, and we are working together to get it done. I like them and their "can do" attitude. I can see in their faces too, that they aren't enjoying this "end of life" stuff any more than I am. They're good folk

 So, with all that, what am I gonna do? Just as I please, which is just like always. Granted, just as I please includes a large, everything on it thin crust pizza. I'll have to beg off that, but you get the idea. I've got some errands to run today, and then I should be able to just crash and burn with no big problems for the rest of the day. At least that's my plan. I quit telling my wife "I should be in early" when I was working. That was a sure shot that I was gonna be three or so hours late. It's like this: Should = Ought to, but not necessarily will. So I play each trip by ear. Works out better for me.

 There are days when I'm not all good thoughts and jolly dancing Rock. Like everyone else I have good and bad days. I choose not to focus on the bad things that are going on, and that takes the edge off bad days for certain. It could be worse is absolutely true. And even I have trouble now and then thinking that. What is certain is that what you think affects how you feel and your health. If you're a constantly down person, you're gonna feel like shit most of the time. Up beat and optimistic people are generally healthier. It's why I put a name on my cancer. I can fight Baxter. Cancer is a broad term that hope is lost in. So screw cancer, I'm working on holding Baxter at bay. Just not with a clinical trial that's gonna make me more sick than I am now. Just because this MAY be a losing fight, doesn't mean I'm not going down swinging.  In real life I lost my share of fights, but the other guy generally didn't want to do it again any time soon. Baxter will be no exception to that rule.  I plan on fighting dirty, just like I did 30 some years ago, when I had to fight at all,

 So, let's review. New things happen every day. It's not all cheery things either. That doesn't matter. Change is inevitable, no use railing against the candle because someone lost their matches

No comments:

Post a Comment