Saturday, November 23, 2013

Well I'll Be

 This is as long a stretch as I've gone being pissed off. I'm kind of liking it. Since I've been such an asshole the last couple of days, I've been left pretty much alone. I can stew in my own juices and enjoy the lovely aroma. It's relieved me of major decisions outside of when to nap and did I forget to eat or take my meds. The answer is yes, I did forget to eat. I had to run to the store and get something for my upset stomach so I didn't hurl the three cans of Osmolite I slammed in. It's a mistake for me to take three cans in at a time, they tend to make me ill. But today, I was ill feeling before I started. I'm having this wonderful screaming pain in my right ear. It's not infection like, more of a muscle thing that's pulling my inner ear around. I can flex my jaw a little and it will go away for a while, but comes back. I suppose I'll talk with my Hospice Nurse Monday morning and see what he thinks. Being that next week is T Day, I've got to have all my stuff filled and in my hands by Wednesday night. I did get some stronger break out pain medication. That will be nice.

  I drove over to Odessa today, knowing full well that more dip shit Midland drivers would be out and on the highways. I did try one overpass and decided it was way too slippery to trust. That and a gust of wind came up and pushed the Audi across into the other lane of traffic. Yes, it was slippery, and yes, I got off the over passes and drove the service roads. Not as bad, but still had slick spots. I'm quite partial to the douche bags that think your ABS will stop you the same distance on ice as on snow or dry. Um, no, dick head, they won't. I wished I'd got movies of the asshole that tailgated me, rushed past as I slowed down before I touched my brakes, and with his ABS just clenching up at triple time, slid right through a red light on one of the busiest roads out here. I passed him a few minutes after that. He was driving 20. One extreme to the next. God Almighty.
  Went to Odessa to see an old high school buddy who was in town working last night. He gets this bartender gig with some art galleries. Takes care of all the temporary licensing, sets up a door watch, and tends bar. Kind of a cool deal. He's doing what he enjoys, not getting wealthy, but he seems happy, and for the most part, that's more important than being wealthy, I'd think. We had a nice two or so hour talk in the coffee shop, watching people and just kind of breezing. He's not changed a damn bit. Well, a little gray at the edges, maybe a bit more stocky, but over all, not much. I think he's a Jap spy. It's times like that, when I'm with my friends both old and new, that I sometimes wish I'd not done the surgery. I can't speak for shit, and it hurts to do so, and I end up bleeding from the tumors and raw cancer spots. The "I wish" bullshit doesn't last long, because it serves no useful purpose. Actually neither does being angry. I suppose I should find a way to get over being angry. Then again….naw, I need to get over it.

  With all my pain patches and meds, all the self hypnosis and bio feedback I can muster, this cold snap is fucking killing me. Not literally, I don't think, but man I'm aching beyond anything I've felt before. That's not helping the anger factor either. Generally, back when I wasn't Cancer Man! when I got sick or was in pain above the average aches, I'd sleep and make it better. Now with all the drugs thrown in, I can't rest.  I don't get that at all. Leave me alone, let me sleep, I'll eat and drink when I'm hungry. Now, though, all that is such a pain in the ass, and I have to watch how much I eat so I don't throw up, it's hardly worth the effort. So, yeah, I'm kinda fucking miserable a lot of the time. I'm not writing well, and I think that's part of being distracted by the new found places that weren't hurting at all but are now. It mostly just sucks the ass out of a dead hog. To quote my favorite YouTube video "no no no no. Ha ha! Then fuck it". It's a two year old little boy. He must have paid attention when someone was  pissed off. I lost one of my wedding rings. I had one Liz got me 6 years ago. Then after I got Cancer, I never put the weight back on to make it stay, so I put it on my index finger, and got a nice little hammered silver wedding ring for my ring finger. I got home from Odessa, no index finger ring. I knew it was loose, but wasn't aware it would just slide the fuck off. In the morning I'll rifle my portable suction bag.

  So, since being angry is a waste of energy and time, I'll have to get over this somehow. No, it's not all steroid driven. And no, I really don't want some psycho babble nonsense help. I'll have to sort this one out on my own. But, until then, I'm not going to be very cordial or nice to much of anyone. It's why I shut down last evening and haven't started that particular business right back up. Somewhere there's a trigger I'm missing. My first answer to what I just typed is  "duuuh, dickhead".  I've never been certain as to what it is that's going to kick the temper over on it's side and let it run. Can't be much though, because happens over some of the littlest shit on earth. Got me.

 I'm sitting here dozing off and right back on, so I'm certain this means it goes to sleep, it's ten, I should be up at 4…Perfect

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