Friday, April 25, 2014

No More Apologies From Me: Good Times, Bad Times

   This will be a bit of distraction before I get to the meat of todays blog.

         Liz is going to go to DFW to cheer on one of her friends running in an all woman "mudder" called "Pretty Mudder". Obstacles, long distance, although I'm not sure how many miles it is through this one, and I know they vary in length and the number of challenges. Walls, deep mud pits, water hazards, the are pretty cool events. Sarah ran in one last year. 15 miles 25 or 28 challenges. She did them all but one. Bruised her knee pretty badly, and unlike her dad, she knew enough to take it easy on it. I would've run it as hard as I could, and done enough damage to it, I'd have a "hitch in my get along" for being so foolish I didn't rest the knee. All that having been said and done, it's time to move on a bit.

 Okay, he's the deal. My little brother and I had a blow out yesterday, as I wrote on the FaceBook yesterday. I won't be saying I'm sorry with behavior or the forgiveness I should, since several times in the past I've been told "I really respect you Rock, I'll do it". I'd be pleased and it's almost as if I can hear the chuckling and "fuck him" while I'm shutting off the computer. People have excused the behavior for so long and enabled the same behavior to continue. At times telling me that I should apologize because he's messed up. I did, and it didn't change a thing. So, I'm done being the "sorriest man  in the family" (I'm sorry I was honest: I'm sorry I yelled, I'm sorry I'm breathing) and it stopped last night. I will no longer sit and watch the rudeness to people that do follow his mantra, the condescending tone when talking to me, and in general the two faced BS that gets doled out. So, if this is going to keep me out of and better place when I die, I'll live with it now. I will no longer enable, nor be a traveling excuse maker for anyone but myself.
  Having been told that I was doomed more than once to a bad spot in the afterlife, I will save some seats up front next to my own, I believe there will be some really cool folks I know right there with me.
One of the arguments given me was "If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out" with regards to myself last night. I went ahead and did that, figuratively, any way.
  I've seen behavior such as, throwing a fit and having his car ruined when it rained red dust on, "It's ruined, I don't want it anymore!!" Dad let him keep it. I'd have sold the damn thing. Or, when he got in trouble or scratched up a little I heard "Why weren't you watching for him!? You're supposed to take care of him he's your little brother!" Didn't make a difference that I was working either with dad, or at work at OTASCO during the school year. It fell down on me to take care of him, even if I wasn't around.  Thankfully that ended around 1985 when I got married. Apparently no one needed a scapegoat to bounce the trouble off on to. In 89 when I got divorced, my old car blew it's engine. Dad told me to come get Clays Dodge 4X4 to drive until I could get a vehicle of my own. I was very thankful and told him so. What I got back was "You better not fuck it up". Yeah, gee thanks. I was told that all Clay did was bitch about having to loan me the truck. Since that time, I've not asked him for anything. No use throwing gas on that fire ever again.
   I'd make a trip to McPherson Kansas and stayed twice at Clays house. Even when Dad was alive he was usually out driving the truck. Twice was enough to stay. We'd be visiting along, the next thing I know I'm being laughed at and talked to like a child over politics pretty well wore me out. Later in the week I'd get a call and be asked to make an apology. Well, okay. So I'd do that so there'd be some peace  with Dad and Clay,( instead of constantly nagging at me about how I should apologize).  So anyway, that's how things stood up until a couple of years ago. I stopped and we were talking, he got wound up on something that my place of work was doing, and not having all the info told me twice that was "fucked up, and would never work". That's the last time I stayed with him. Makes no difference to me what time I rode through Liberal, I kept going.
  There, that's the last I'll mention about this topic, ever.

     Today has had a lot more of the Good Times than I've had most of the three weeks leading up to today. I've not felt burnt clear out. I've had a couple of naps, but were short ones and I fiddled around in-between them. It got hot though, damn. That wears me out before I can get good and started. Although, I used to really like the heat. I can't seem to stay hydrated like I used to be able to so. It just beats me down. Liz is going to throw next weekend in her first games ever!! I will go as well. I'm going to be there regardless of the heat. I will be there, hide, hair, and all. I'll find a way to stay hydrated. I'm so fired up to see her throw I'm almost beside myself. Outwardly I don't want to show her that I'm overly excited. Or that I'm in pain, or tired. If she sees that I even act tired or hurting, she'll call it off and got won't try again. That's my fear, that she won't keep at if she leaves to take care of me. If that happens it will become on of the few true times I would regret. l don't like regrets. They sap part of you each and every time they are brought up. And it seems that a person brings them up more often than the  average friend will. If they are bringing them up, they may now more often, if they see that as a weakness in your psyche, they'll use that as a hammer.
  So, this is a good day, in that I feel like getting around. My blood ox is up and I didn't have to hook up any O2 to get it there, that's damn good. My joints don't ache like rusty pliers. My right leg still gets hinky  if I'm on my feet too long. Apparently it really does want some support around the missing muscle. I can give it some of that. Today is an oddity for that and for the fact when I took the naps, I didn't feel like should just crawl into bed and sleep the rest of the day away. That's a plus I believe.  I've taken pretty fair advantage of today, and am in a position to hope it stays. The bad days aren't depression bad days. They pain meds honestly don't work for shit, it makes me tired, and I don't feel like doing jack shit. Monday was bad, Tuesday was REALLY bad, Wednesday was getting a little better and I had 6 hrs of "Good Times". I take those as well. Tomorrow will be a good day. I'm setting Liz up with a couple of practice days. Which means Sunday, I've got to cut down one of my old, dried out cabers, and I've got a 28" weight. I can show her a couple of things, but I can't do it hands on like I have with a couple of guys I know. (I thought I had a couple of new throwers, until they saw you had to wear a kilt. I even tried the old easy access. The Regimental Wearer is a simple "Lift and Fire")

   Alright, time to get up and do something.

Go fast and never stop
Unless you fill up on the Horizontal Bop                                                                                                                                                                                                                      


1 comment:

  1. Once again you've inspired me to get off my ass and quit bitching about my lot in life, Rocky. I don't like regrets either, best to have as few of those as possible when we leave this life, which means I need to get off this computer so I don't regret wasting this beautiful day. Have a good one!