Wow, the weekend was great. I got to visit with my son and his family. Watched Liz put up amazing numbers at the Texas Scottish Festival, and in my heart hopes that she continues. Friends and family here are great for the time after I'm packed into that nice Mahogany box all ashes and gone. The camaraderie of the other athletes, and some time to vent off a bit of sadness, anger, and just lose the world for a couple of afternoons would be great for her. I do hope she stays with them. For me, it was a day of jaw dropping amazement, unadulterated love, and a plain old ton of pride. I truly believe that she is the woman that, God, or what you would like to call the Higher Power (yes, kids, there is one) had chosen for me. The time, the reason, the way everything has played out, including this terminal cancer, has been, for me at least, to have Liz by my side. I've taken chances, and done things I might not otherwise have done without Liz by my side. She is my confidante, lover, advisor, and friend. Not everyone finds that in their life, and to others, being married at all isn't something that works for them. Bad people? Of course not! It's just not their thing. It doesn't make a tinkers damn to me whether or not a man or woman is married, it's whether they are happy with their life. I'm thrilled with mine, even when I'm cussing the cancer for cutting it short. There are lesson's to be found in Hospice Care, just as there are when a person is healthy and just banging along. This is how I love my life, and a big part of Amour De La Vie. For me at least, at this time in my life, healthy or dying, this is my Amour De La Vie.
So, a little reflection was in order as well. Watching the Games, riding with Liz, talking with Chance, Stephanie, and Wyatt. I'm not well. I'm not going to get any better, and before it's all over, I may have more pain than I had to deal with this weekend, and realizing I'd forgotten my morphine. Liz tried to pull the blame of herself for that. But, I'm cognizant, I should have had all that packed and not left it up to Liz to do for me. But, she insists, it's her way of helping. Awwww, shit, so I went a couple of days fighting some pain. No big deal. It was a celebration for me, whether anyone picked that up or not, I'm not certain. What I found was somewhat stunning to me.
I've always prided myself in being able to shut the works down when people need a strong figure, who's not falling to pieces while the rest of the people around them are doing just that. Then I find a place to turn it all loose with just me around. It was a privacy I sought more than once over more than just a few people. I was listening to Chance and Wyatt talk this morning while I was getting my drugs in and and getting ready to take everyone to Waffle House (I can't believe there isn't one in Midland/Odessa), and I could hear myself. Not literally, but the words and the tone were me, and then Wyatt laughed. Liz was in the kitchen with me, and I'm welling up. I wrote her a note, "My God Liz, when did I let my heart get taken out in so many directions?". I didn't realize it had. But in that instant, I could feel it in a so many places all at once. First and foremost with family, then friends.
There are times when I've not been the best sibling. I hope that Kate and Clay understand that, and forgive me. They are never far from my heart, ever. Heck, there are a number of people that have a piece of my heart and I didn't even know it, until I started going over things in my life, and how some folk I feel closer to than the far vast majority of other people. It dawned on me that I've got brothers and sisters out there that aren't blood kin, but I feel for them much the same as I feel for my blood kin.
Now, I've had to ask myself, "how weird is that shit?" For the old me, that would have been more weird than any of the things coming along, like cancer. Or any other malady that has come my way. No, I certainly didn't think I had spread myself out that thin. It's not a bad thing, but it surprised the crap out of me. I'm not even sure how to look at this seemingly ongoing occurrence. Do I just go with it? Well,yeah, because there is is no changing the fact that it's happened and still is happening, or at least I think it is still happening.
Or, is this something that's just been going on forever and a day, and I'd just managed to pack it all away, and with the cancer it's able to see a bit of light? Slips out every once in a while? That could be true as well. I'm beginning to believe that's what it is. It's not that I'm that closed off, I slipped off pieces of my heart to a lot of people, and now, as I see the end coming even though I don't know the date or time, it's coming, and it makes me take stock of what I truly love. How ever it's working, it's new to me. It could be the lesson I was kept here to learn. About not being so prideful. That, too, was slow coming, and it's still trying to make a covered exit.
What ever the reason I've been overwhelmed more than once in the last month or so. Especially when I think about the people and things I'm going to miss. My son graduate HS and go onto college, I hope. I won't see the grandkids grow and become young men and women, if they have a girl, I may miss that part as well. That may really be the deal after all. I've got all these people I truly love with all my heart and I won't have the chance to see that come to fruition. Good gravy, that's something isn't it? That I've tied myself so tightly to these folk that I won't be able to see them become all they can? Hmmmm, that's the nature of being human though. None of us see exactly how grandkids turn out. Hopefully our own children reach that age and watch their own children lead good lives. What ever it is, I've certainly been filled with a lot more emotion of late. Strange days, these are.