Thursday, May 15, 2014
Well, This Is Odd For Me Lately
Not sleeping is odd for me as of late. Geez, eight, nine months ago I was happy if I got three or four hrs of sleep total in a day. But lately, say the last month, I've been sleeping pretty good at night. Last night and the night before, man, I score seven hrs sleep both nights. Lately it's been five or six consistently and that's not counting a couple of naps during the day. There is no joy in Muddville this night. I napped off and on most of the day (I'll talk about that in a bit), a little more than usual, but I felt out of sorts. I'm also finding I was worried. Worried about things I can't control, and things that I didn't put any stock in before. Silly shit, to me. Things like "I wonder why I feel tired?" or the direct opposite of that. Squirrelly shit for certain. I worry about the blog, for heaven's sake. I know why I haven't been as active. I am tired, and it seems to me I'm in a pretty general routine. Which, since I can't sleep tonight, I find I'm in error on that. Definitely not a routine of any kind, in any way, shape or form. That's odd for me too. Several things are odd for me. Most I'm sure are physically induced either fighting or being over taken by cancer. There is the drug factor to toss in there as well. So yeah, that anything doesn't feel odd should be the news of the blog, right? Weird how my mind is working so early this morning. Part of it is, I lost a separate blog that I worked on for some hour and a half about routines. It wouldn't let me save any of it. I lost it. It occurred to me, though, that I'd done a post about routine. Falling back on old news is nearly as bad as all the films that are remakes of stinkers from the 1970's and 1980's. So anyway, odd for me.
The sleep thing is odd, not like me at all, at least even when I was healthy I didn't sleep like I do now. Golly, what could cause that? Hmmmmmm…CANCER! Yeah, that's what caused that. Duh to me. I fought sleeping a lot tooth and nail for a long damn time. Why? Well, because I'm a bozo about some of that stuff, and in my little world on the Planet Rock, only people that were about to cash in their chips slept this much. Funny, it turns out I really wasn't sleeping all that much. Six to eight hrs a day. Which is normal and a good thing for an adult. Average six to eight hours a day of sleep and be sure to take your One A Day and Metamucil. I skip the One A Day and Metamucil, but the sleep has been nice, honestly. So, why does it bother me so much. Well, frankly it didn't. I didn't sleep big stretches at a time, but I got 8 hours a day in since January 23rd 2013. I have been getting eight hours or more for a long time. I just did them during the day time. It worried Liz though. That's one thing she shouldn't sweat and that's my sleep. The Hospice Nurse and I both would say "Really, it's okay if Rock doesn't sleep the time in one big chunk, as long as he gets it in, that's fine." Liz would nod and say okay, but I could see the gears whirl just a bit, and she'd bite her lower lip. No, not the sexy "Come Hither" lip nibble, but rather the "man, I don't know about that" worried lip nibble. So, I tried to stay awake most of the day, and then sleep more hours with her. In fact, I have been having her wake me up before she leaves for work. Got her ass fooled this morning. In about 20 minutes I'm going to fix a couple of collars of tracy tubes, snag a shower, feed, get dressed, and hopeful she will be well on her way to work before 0300.
I've been off a bit myself lately. I can't seem to gather myself up like I could before. My hearing is definitely getting worse. The tinnitus is getting worse, not at the rate it has for several years, but really quickly. I'm losing more and more of the tones I used to hear pretty well. If my youngest son talks a little slower, I can catch every word her says, without having to face him. Liz, though, and most other women, I'm losing the ability to hear them. I have to stop Liz, and turn her face to me so I can get what she's saying. It's annoying to me, I can't imagine what a pain in the ass it is to her. I've noticed as well my eyesight isn't as good. That's easily explained, I've not had an eye exam in 2 years. My night vision is worse, for sure. Not so bad yet I can't drive at night, it's just not comfortable to drive at night. Geez, at four years ago I was going to throw in Arlington at the Texas Celtic Festival. It's a nice ride on a bike, if the traffic isn't bat shit. I'd leave Midland about noon on a Friday, fiddle around and get to Arlington in time help with the novice class, crash out at friends, and throw on Saturday. That year, a co-worker suddenly needed off Sunday. Yes, they asked if I'd work. Well, I guess, but I paid for these games already, and it's too late for a refund. (I tried to make it seem like an arm and leg to get in, I think it was $20). So, here's what I did. Up and on the road at Midnight, no extra clothes except for the kilt and an extra tee shirt. Not quite true, I packed work clothes too. Road into Arlington, ate at my favorite Waffle House, not my standard meal, but two omelets and the small hamburger steak. Tripped across the street and picked up a big assed cup of Starbuck's. Rolled onto the campus and festival parking. Had time for a 45 minute nap after I got into game gear. Threw fairly well, in that I didn't take last. Hydrated up like there was not tomorrow, road back to Midland. Slept three or so hours in the work truck. Rolled that damn thing to the field office in Notrees. I got a 30 minute nap, and who is the first person I see? The guy that just had to have Sunday off. He told the boss noon Saturday that he would work, and he'd call me and tell me….never called me, the little fucker. I did, however, charge them 6 hrs OT for my trouble. No one complained. So, that all ended with this cancer. I literally couldn't and still can't do any field work. Depressing as hell. That's why I take meds for depression. No fool am I. There are some other things that are going on, more annoying than anything else. I'm sitting her debating whether to even mention them. Give me a few minutes. Time to wake Liz up.
Well, the lovely Liz is awake and probably at work by now. Am I going to mention some of the other things? No, not yet. They aren't consistently problematic as of yet. As I said before, more annoying than problems, really. Then there are the never ending knob gobblers. Like staying up with the number of collars and trach tubes I have fixed so I'm not caught unawares. Along with a running inventory for formula, gravity bags, collars, tracy tubes, tape (cloth and paper), cleaning brushes….just the daily shit that will drive ya to jackin off. Although, I am going to ask about what seems to be a new neuropathy in my left leg, and right hand. Tingling where there hasn't been. Taking stock of the pulse and Blood Oxygen I show pretty normal when they are acting up. Today's buzzing lasted about 20 minutes, my pulse was 72, blood ox was 96%, nothing to complain about there, I wouldn't think. The lymphedema therapy still works, and if I can get in again, a full body massage certainly helps me AND the lymphedema therapy.
Maybe I didn't sleep tonight because I've only had one dream that I can remember in the last month and that was a wide awake gasping for air ready to kill something blood curdling nightmares. THAT'S something I haven't had in years. I'm not certain what brought this one on, and I can't remember much only what ever it was didn't get the upper hand in what ever it was doing. I know this, because I heard my own pre surgery voice yell "Not this time, fucker! Not anytime!" Which is really weird, because I can't remember what my voice sounded like. I can hear this POS voice I had for about 7 months, but not my regular voice. Liz said it was loud and boomed, and if I got angry, birds fell out of the sky when I yelled. I think that's stretching it. Boy, talk about losing a part of you. When you can't remember how you sounded….there ain't much more they can take that's really you.
Alrighty, todays mission, if you decide to accept it, is to Get up offa yo ass and dance dance dance