Before I get started, I need to clear something up. When I said I needed a break, it wasn't from the blog or anything like that at all. I need a break from the shit that's piling up on me croaking. I don't need an infected PEG tube stoma, I don't need the sinus headache, I don't need the over production of mucus that makes me hack, gag, and vomit. That's what I don't need, and what I DO need a break from, not the blog. Sorry I wasn't clear
Anyway, here I am awake since 2:30, putting Atropine drops on my tongue to dry my mouth out, so I'm not having to suction every two minutes, and wrestling a sinus head ache. I fool around for an hour and half so that things are settled in and I can take my drugs with less chance of throwing them back up in the next fifteen minutes. I really am uncomfortable now. Beyond the normal ache and pain that comes from a stage four cancer that's making it's way through my body. The new stuff on top of the usual suspects isn't being very nice and I'm not impressed with it at all. I'm hoping in a few days it starts to slack off a bit. In retrospect, the only thing that seemed to have jumped out right away was the stoma infection. It makes the entire area around my tube tender and is nasty. If it doesn't clear up pretty quickly, I may have to cancel my lymphedema therapy for next week. I hate to miss that, because it goes a long way to helping control my neck and back pain. As many places that hold fluid in my system now, I believe the cancer is weaseling it's way around my lymph nodes. It was partial to them both times, I see no reason why it wouldn't come back for an encore in the same general areas. I do, however, get naps of one to two hours at a pop during the day. Right now I'm wide awake, where as yesterday I was dragging ass and falling asleep as I typed the blog. All told, with falling asleep and waking up, it took almost three hours to get that little dab down yesterday. Which is kind of funny. I wonder if Lee Child does that when he writes "Jack Reacher" novels? I'm guessing, no.
There are things that run through my mind since I don't have much to do anymore. I mean, truly, my day is filled with a maybe walk, depending on how my legs feel at that time, looking for something to read (my friend Daric Smith sent me two novels that I've got to get to reading) when I don't have the screaming sinus head ache that is, and watching the boob tube. I watch my oldest do her job at our converted from dining room table to desk. I'm not sure she notices I'm watching. She can be so quiet, reading schedules, e-mail, and planning the flights for fighters she's helping. And concentrates so hard. I'm sure she did that at her office, but with other people to speak to I don't think she's probably that quiet. It makes me smile. Yesterday she mentioned she missed dressing up to go to work, and as usual I was flippant about that, I shoulda kept my mouth shut. It's something she's missing to be here with me, and I'm flattered about that. She gave up part of her life to come help me end mine. That's pretty heavy duty shit right there. I give her a little jazz once in a while. Like slipping up behind her (yes I wait until she's reading, not actually typing) and giving her a little startle. I do that so I can be close to her. Not because I'm such a needy person, but because each time it's a little something I can carry with me.
It's the same way with the other two. Although at fifteen I can understand why the Boy doesn't want dad messing with him. It's a guy thing, and I get that. There are a lot of things I'm going to miss. Each one of the kids has their own scent. Not a nasty, dirty, "I need a bath" scent. But a unique smell that tells me it's them. I think that's a throw back to the days when we humans lived and hunted in packs. A way to distinguish ours from everyone else's. I get the feeling I want to just have them set beside me, and lay their heads on my shoulder like they did when they were little. When all of them were babies, my favorite thing after they were fed was to put them on my chest, lie on the floor and both of us take a nap. I never had one roll off, and we both got some wonderful sleep. Babies metabolism is so fast, it was like having a little electric blanket on my chest. We'd both be toasty warm. When they got sort of an upset stomach or got fussy. I'd put on a button down shirt that was way too big (I had four, one for each kid), take their top off, put us both tummy to tummy, and button the shirt up a little bit. Warm stomachs on both of us and they seemed to do better. My youngest daughter, she didn't like when her mom went back to work. She'd cry from the minute Liz left the house, until she walked in the front door. I don't mean whimper sob sob. I mean a full blown, bawl until your eardrums shatter cry. If she was asleep when Liz left, no problem. If she saw her leave, Katey bar the door. It drove me nuts. That only lasted about 2 months and it wasn't every time. Because most of the time Liz would be gone before the baby woke up, but those few times...wowzer.
One day I took her up to the hospital to take Liz some lunch. One of her co-workers was a bit older than myself. I walked in and in a loud voice "Lisa Bean!!! I know that this is our baby, but for God's sake you've got to take some responsibility for her too!!! I can't do this all the time without help from her mother!". Lisa Bean turned forty shades of red. You could have heard a pin drop. I think it was so unexpected that even though everyone knew better, there was that moment of "Holy shit! I had no idea!" that went buzzing around the room. It was priceless. I don't need a whole lot of frills to make my day, so having a toddler set next to me in our oversized recliner, both of our feet up, watching Animaniacs and eating a bowl of popcorn stands out as one of my best days. Or just watching them go about their daily rat killin, and looking like they have a job that just has to be finished. I'd like to know what's going on inside that noggin, just for a few minutes when they are like that. Quiet kids make me nervous. If you don't hear anything when they are playing, they are into something they shouldn't. Wonderful things, babies. And I'm so glad mine are all raised that I don't have to change another poo poo diaper. Right now one of my favorite things is having my grandson grab a book and set with me on the recliner and reading to me. That boy has got the softest hair.
And once again I fall asleep writing this! What a hoot. Geez Louise I must be tired and sick both. I was about to finish up and go feed. Now I've been out for almost 2 hours and my feeding routine is off. Oh well, I'm not gonna die from it, I'll just have to adjust so I'm not feeding so late in the day. At least the drugs are all in, thank goodness.
Okay, since obviously I must not feel well or I wouldn't just pass out like that. I'm gonna start my day.......again.
Go forth and multiple...no, that's been done. How about just do what feels right.
Love ya
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Saturday, October 5, 2013
How about just a little break? What do ya say?
I could use a little break from the action. You know, dying from cancer seems to be a difficult enough without adding a sore throat, an over abundance of mucus, and vomiting. I must be sick, I'm whining about being sick. I can't even enough, in the in the PEG tube, to have my favorite "I'm Sick" meals. I mean, geez, didn't they think that someone, somewhere, will be some poor sick fella that would, canned Chicken Noodle soup. But not without pulverizing it. I've tried it puree'd enough to get in the tube. I even dipped my finger in it so I could get a little taste. It tasted like crap. I have a malfunctioning esophageal sphincter. It won't close all the way, so if I feed fast enough, I alway get a taste of what ever it is I'm ingesting. It tastes like crap, the puree'd soup does. Now, in all honesty, bean with bacon soup tastes pretty decent. But not so with chicken noodle soup. How odd is that?
So, anyway, I got a decent night's sleep Thursday night and was hoping for the same on Friday. I even fell asleep at about the same time. Only Friday I awoke at 2230 only to find I'm coughing my head off, and feel like I'm drowning. I really hate that part. I'm afraid of practically nothing, drowning is at the top of a very short list. And that feeling is absolutely miserable. Besides being a bit scary. I hate being scared. I was awake about 20 minutes and knowing full well that if I didn't stop coughing soon I was going to vomit. BINGO! I started vomiting too. That's so much non fun. I don't have a soft palate, so every time I vomit, no matter how hard I try, it goes up my sinuses and out my nose. It burns, it makes my eyes water, and it's damn hard to get blown out of my nose. The simple things that I used to do for
myself are no longer that simple or easy. I also despise that little piece of cancer pie. Anyway, I cough for about another hour or so, all the time trying to control the vomiting while so I can get some meds into me. That finally happens and I get some pain killer and some cough syrup in. I doze off about 0130 and sleep until 0430. Not much, but better than no sleep at all. I also have dozed off three times trying to get this written. The last time let me sleep pretty decently until around 0745. Two and a half hours of sleep seems to have been better not.
So, while I'm coughing, I'm trying to find something positive about the entire time. It turns out that I didn't need that to be positive. And I found it. I am coughing and I'm angry and hurt. Hell's fire I'm alive, right? Can't beat that with a stick. Sure, it'd be nice if I was sleeping and not awake until my time came. Silly, that I'm whining about something I can't do anything about. Well at least nothing I can do that I can see me doing. This is almost as much mental as physical. Well, all but the coughing. I can see that stoping soon. That's a nice, huge positive. So yeah, it's been a shitty night. I see folks on FB wishing I didn't have to got through this, and that's they'd take it from me. Thank you so much, and I'd not do that to my worst enemy. This isn't fun, but I own it in its entirety at this point and I'm just selfish enough to not let it go now. Ask me again in a couple of months and I might just hand the whole thing off. I'm finally getting really sleepy too. I'm not sure how long I can hang in with the blog. What a riot!! I'm dozing off during the episode of TV that happens to be on at the moment. Not that Sponge Bod Squarepants is scary, but he can be if you've got enough drugs in your system! I've got a lump of something at the back of my throat I can't suction out. It's yuck
This is where I've got to stop for the day. I'm afraid I'll doze off and drool into the keyboard. Then I'd have to do this with some PC notebook, instead of my beloved Mac. I've dozed enough that I've lost almost another hour this morning. Not that I don't need the sleep, I do. So I'm gonna jump it with both feet, as soon as I finish this
Be good to each other today. Sometimes that's harder than one might think.
Love all y'all
So, anyway, I got a decent night's sleep Thursday night and was hoping for the same on Friday. I even fell asleep at about the same time. Only Friday I awoke at 2230 only to find I'm coughing my head off, and feel like I'm drowning. I really hate that part. I'm afraid of practically nothing, drowning is at the top of a very short list. And that feeling is absolutely miserable. Besides being a bit scary. I hate being scared. I was awake about 20 minutes and knowing full well that if I didn't stop coughing soon I was going to vomit. BINGO! I started vomiting too. That's so much non fun. I don't have a soft palate, so every time I vomit, no matter how hard I try, it goes up my sinuses and out my nose. It burns, it makes my eyes water, and it's damn hard to get blown out of my nose. The simple things that I used to do for
myself are no longer that simple or easy. I also despise that little piece of cancer pie. Anyway, I cough for about another hour or so, all the time trying to control the vomiting while so I can get some meds into me. That finally happens and I get some pain killer and some cough syrup in. I doze off about 0130 and sleep until 0430. Not much, but better than no sleep at all. I also have dozed off three times trying to get this written. The last time let me sleep pretty decently until around 0745. Two and a half hours of sleep seems to have been better not.
So, while I'm coughing, I'm trying to find something positive about the entire time. It turns out that I didn't need that to be positive. And I found it. I am coughing and I'm angry and hurt. Hell's fire I'm alive, right? Can't beat that with a stick. Sure, it'd be nice if I was sleeping and not awake until my time came. Silly, that I'm whining about something I can't do anything about. Well at least nothing I can do that I can see me doing. This is almost as much mental as physical. Well, all but the coughing. I can see that stoping soon. That's a nice, huge positive. So yeah, it's been a shitty night. I see folks on FB wishing I didn't have to got through this, and that's they'd take it from me. Thank you so much, and I'd not do that to my worst enemy. This isn't fun, but I own it in its entirety at this point and I'm just selfish enough to not let it go now. Ask me again in a couple of months and I might just hand the whole thing off. I'm finally getting really sleepy too. I'm not sure how long I can hang in with the blog. What a riot!! I'm dozing off during the episode of TV that happens to be on at the moment. Not that Sponge Bod Squarepants is scary, but he can be if you've got enough drugs in your system! I've got a lump of something at the back of my throat I can't suction out. It's yuck
This is where I've got to stop for the day. I'm afraid I'll doze off and drool into the keyboard. Then I'd have to do this with some PC notebook, instead of my beloved Mac. I've dozed enough that I've lost almost another hour this morning. Not that I don't need the sleep, I do. So I'm gonna jump it with both feet, as soon as I finish this
Be good to each other today. Sometimes that's harder than one might think.
Love all y'all
Friday, October 4, 2013
Rough week
Before we get started I gotta get a pet peeve off my chest. I hear over and over ad nauseum what a patriotic city Midland Texas is. It's almost said often enough that it makes me woozy. So, last night was the Homecoming Parade for Lee High School. My son plays in the band. He volunteered to play tuba in marching band since they didn't have enough. Anyway, the Colors are carried by the school ROTC kids. I get up out of my chair and put my hat over my heart. My family all has their hands over their hearts as one should when the colors pass. I look around and within 200 people, only my family is saluting the flag. The rest of the lazy dick bumps are just yapping away, and won't even stand up for the flag to pass. Not one more word do I want to hear about Midland being such a patriotic city. You're too lazy to stand for the flag, at least admit it doesn't mean that much to you anymore and just let it slide. But don't keep blowing your own horn on what a wonderfully patriotic city this is. Sheesh
So, it's been a rough week. There is something in the air that's got me so messed up I can hardly breath. And that's spooky when 90% of your air intake comes from a hole in your neck. With the parts I have missing and my inability to swallow, the extra mucus from the allergy stuff is making it uncomfortable to say the least. At the most it gags me and makes me vomit. That's always a part of the day I'd rather pass upon, thank you. I'm also still playing catch up from the trip to Kansas last weekend. I didn't realize how much was being taken out of me at the time. And didn't fully appreciate that until Monday afternoon, when I was so tired and sore I could barely stand up long enough to get started doing my regular duties. I went on a pain med schedule Tuesday, and that's held everything to a dull roar and I can live with that for certain. I don't like being on the pain meds. I mean shit, I'm tired enough the way it is. Throw some pain meds in there and I'm liable to pass the hell out watching you talk to me. I'm afraid the family is going to draw on my face, like frat boys do the guys that pass out on the couch. I'm not really, but that would be funny. I get these damn face cramps again. Yesterday the pec in my mouth (sounds like the title to a really bad porn movie) cramped up so hard it had the other side of my jaw popping in ant out. That'll strain your milk for ya, believe me. What ever is floating around in the air, trees and shrubs, what ever it is makes it hard for me to sleep an entire night through. I relax when I sleep, so I aspirate more of my own secretions. Which leaves me open to a lot of up and down at night. So I've only been getting a couple of hours of sleep in a stretch. However, this morning was a bit different. I fell asleep before 2130, woke up at 2230, then didn't wake up again until 0410. That was nice, it gave me a chance at some real restful sleep. And I felt better when I woke up. Well, except for the 20 minutes of hacking up everything but a lung and some toenails. No uber weird dreams either. That's nice. I've had some lulu nightmares recently. You know, the cold sweat and panting kind of nightmares. Those are no fun at all. I also need to supplement my Prilosec with something else too, the acid burps are just fricking awful,
On the positive side, because there always is a positive side to things, I got to see my son march in the last parade I'll get to go to. He does great and I really enjoy watching him march. And the band on the whole is damned good, so that's a plus. I found that I can live within my limits, and I know that those are going to change as time goes along. I have to figure out how to give myself a break when that happens. I'd love to go the airshow next weekend. But I don't know if I can stand to be out all day like I once did. It would be nice to see it one more time. I love to sounds of the old Pratt and Whitney engines. I saw lots of country that I'd often taken for granted, but see with a renewed vision now. The country north of Amarillo along the Canadian River breaks is beautiful. I've always known it was, but this trip I was looking at it differently. That makes for a lot sights that aren't quite so ugly as people think. I grew up on the plains. So flat or treeless is no big deal to me at all. The plains have a beauty all their own. They don't suffer fools very well either. The plains are where I learned to carry more than enough water. Where I learned that if it's fall, you better have winter clothes stored in the trunk of your car. In the summer it can be up to 110, in the winter the coldest I remember was 15 below zero, not counting wind chill. The guys here in West Texas grumble about the weather and wind here, and they don't see enough of either to really make much difference. So I laugh. And they get pissed, and I laugh some more. Where I grew up takes a certain mental toughness that I think people over look, simply because it's how they deal with the Big Empty. I think that's been a part of how I look at dealing with Terminal Velocity. Yeah, it's happening, so deal with it. Don't wussy out. I kinda like that.
Travel is kind of a hassle now. Nearly as bad as packing up for a short weekend trip with a baby. Nearly, but not quite. But, it's also important to me that I make a couple of trips. I know I'll be exhausted, and beat down, and sore, but I have things to do for me. I need to let some folks know how much they've meant to me in my life. What a positive thing they've done for me, and that's helped make me a better person all around. And I'd like to see the country side again. Were that I could do so on my bike, but alas, I think I've fooled around too long now and I'll never make that kind of trip on her again. I don't have the stamina for it, or the legs to hold her up after being in the saddle for 3 or more hours at a stretch. So, the car it is. And I've gotten so spoiled now, that it's gotta be the wife's car, because it's the most comfortable. The little Audi is great to drive, and I made round trips in it to Houston early on in my treatment. But man, it's a roadster, so it's small and rides rough. As it should, it's a sports car so it has sport suspension. It's gonna ride rough, but that's also it's appeal. So, sport sedan it is. I'll be comfy, and can let Liz drive some and I can drive some. Not a bad gig all the way around.
There are somethings coming up that are going to be both difficult for me, and overly pleasant at the same time. I can't divulge those yet, but I'll let people know as soon after the events as is possible. They should be fun.
What I need to make, instead of a bucket list, is a Last Time list. So I can go over that and see where it made it's impression on me and why I remember it like I do. And then my kids will have something they've been involved with written down so they have that as a keepsake from dad. I don't have a lot of material things. But that kind of stuff I will have in abundance.
Okay, time to take the Boy to school. Have a great weekend, and remember. Make today happen for you, not just to be a place to kill time waiting for something to happen
So, it's been a rough week. There is something in the air that's got me so messed up I can hardly breath. And that's spooky when 90% of your air intake comes from a hole in your neck. With the parts I have missing and my inability to swallow, the extra mucus from the allergy stuff is making it uncomfortable to say the least. At the most it gags me and makes me vomit. That's always a part of the day I'd rather pass upon, thank you. I'm also still playing catch up from the trip to Kansas last weekend. I didn't realize how much was being taken out of me at the time. And didn't fully appreciate that until Monday afternoon, when I was so tired and sore I could barely stand up long enough to get started doing my regular duties. I went on a pain med schedule Tuesday, and that's held everything to a dull roar and I can live with that for certain. I don't like being on the pain meds. I mean shit, I'm tired enough the way it is. Throw some pain meds in there and I'm liable to pass the hell out watching you talk to me. I'm afraid the family is going to draw on my face, like frat boys do the guys that pass out on the couch. I'm not really, but that would be funny. I get these damn face cramps again. Yesterday the pec in my mouth (sounds like the title to a really bad porn movie) cramped up so hard it had the other side of my jaw popping in ant out. That'll strain your milk for ya, believe me. What ever is floating around in the air, trees and shrubs, what ever it is makes it hard for me to sleep an entire night through. I relax when I sleep, so I aspirate more of my own secretions. Which leaves me open to a lot of up and down at night. So I've only been getting a couple of hours of sleep in a stretch. However, this morning was a bit different. I fell asleep before 2130, woke up at 2230, then didn't wake up again until 0410. That was nice, it gave me a chance at some real restful sleep. And I felt better when I woke up. Well, except for the 20 minutes of hacking up everything but a lung and some toenails. No uber weird dreams either. That's nice. I've had some lulu nightmares recently. You know, the cold sweat and panting kind of nightmares. Those are no fun at all. I also need to supplement my Prilosec with something else too, the acid burps are just fricking awful,
On the positive side, because there always is a positive side to things, I got to see my son march in the last parade I'll get to go to. He does great and I really enjoy watching him march. And the band on the whole is damned good, so that's a plus. I found that I can live within my limits, and I know that those are going to change as time goes along. I have to figure out how to give myself a break when that happens. I'd love to go the airshow next weekend. But I don't know if I can stand to be out all day like I once did. It would be nice to see it one more time. I love to sounds of the old Pratt and Whitney engines. I saw lots of country that I'd often taken for granted, but see with a renewed vision now. The country north of Amarillo along the Canadian River breaks is beautiful. I've always known it was, but this trip I was looking at it differently. That makes for a lot sights that aren't quite so ugly as people think. I grew up on the plains. So flat or treeless is no big deal to me at all. The plains have a beauty all their own. They don't suffer fools very well either. The plains are where I learned to carry more than enough water. Where I learned that if it's fall, you better have winter clothes stored in the trunk of your car. In the summer it can be up to 110, in the winter the coldest I remember was 15 below zero, not counting wind chill. The guys here in West Texas grumble about the weather and wind here, and they don't see enough of either to really make much difference. So I laugh. And they get pissed, and I laugh some more. Where I grew up takes a certain mental toughness that I think people over look, simply because it's how they deal with the Big Empty. I think that's been a part of how I look at dealing with Terminal Velocity. Yeah, it's happening, so deal with it. Don't wussy out. I kinda like that.
Travel is kind of a hassle now. Nearly as bad as packing up for a short weekend trip with a baby. Nearly, but not quite. But, it's also important to me that I make a couple of trips. I know I'll be exhausted, and beat down, and sore, but I have things to do for me. I need to let some folks know how much they've meant to me in my life. What a positive thing they've done for me, and that's helped make me a better person all around. And I'd like to see the country side again. Were that I could do so on my bike, but alas, I think I've fooled around too long now and I'll never make that kind of trip on her again. I don't have the stamina for it, or the legs to hold her up after being in the saddle for 3 or more hours at a stretch. So, the car it is. And I've gotten so spoiled now, that it's gotta be the wife's car, because it's the most comfortable. The little Audi is great to drive, and I made round trips in it to Houston early on in my treatment. But man, it's a roadster, so it's small and rides rough. As it should, it's a sports car so it has sport suspension. It's gonna ride rough, but that's also it's appeal. So, sport sedan it is. I'll be comfy, and can let Liz drive some and I can drive some. Not a bad gig all the way around.
There are somethings coming up that are going to be both difficult for me, and overly pleasant at the same time. I can't divulge those yet, but I'll let people know as soon after the events as is possible. They should be fun.
What I need to make, instead of a bucket list, is a Last Time list. So I can go over that and see where it made it's impression on me and why I remember it like I do. And then my kids will have something they've been involved with written down so they have that as a keepsake from dad. I don't have a lot of material things. But that kind of stuff I will have in abundance.
Okay, time to take the Boy to school. Have a great weekend, and remember. Make today happen for you, not just to be a place to kill time waiting for something to happen
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Thursday's rant on pissing and moaning, or self loathing
This may turn into a piss and moan session on my part. I mean, gee, I'm slowly wasting away, I tire easily and rapidly, I sometimes have trouble breathing, I can't swallow, I bleed in my mouth and throat, all kinds of fun shit goes on with me. I generally don't think I piss and moan about it, because that only sucks valuable time out of the limited number of days I've got left to do something in. I like to remember, but I don't hold the past as the best part of my life. Today is the best part of my life because I'm trying my damnedest to live it to the best of my ability. I read and hear from some people "I'm this or that and I apologize or I'm sorry for what I am". Ya know what? Fix that shit or shut the fuck up. After some time it's nothing more than fucking annoying and drags down other people along with the person with that attitude. If you need help fixing that, then ask for it, and do what the people you ask advise, don't blow it off and then run right back to the same old bull shit. Living in the past, as well, does nothing for fixing your life so you can move forward with greater gusto and vision. Yes, I've had a great time in the past, my memories are legion and 99% of them are wonderful. But that's what t. hey are, memories. The best day in my life? Today. At midnight it's squeaky clean and hasn't had the chance to become fouled up. By the end of the day, if you've gotten anything accomplished, then it was a damn fine day. If you've made someone smile, laugh, or think a little, that's even better. So truly, today is the best day of your life. Live it like it was and suddenly things will get better. So there, that's my rant. I didn't sleep well and this has been banging around in my head for a couple of weeks. Maybe I've exorcised it for now. I certainly hope so any way.
So, what's new? Not a heck of a lot, really. My days have this wonderful routine that is both mind numbingly monotonous and stimulating. How weird is that? I have to do certain things like feed and medicate at certain times, nothing in stone but it's easier to have it set up that way, then it's read a bit. Or play a video game. Or like the last 3 days, sleep more and more each day. I didn't sleep well last night though. Up and down coughing. Sometimes a bit of blood, most times not. I do need to get my kids in and have a sit down discussion about my blood letting increasing. I don't want them to panic unless I say to panic. Increasingly I get restless, though, and feel I need to do something extra. So I try to walk. That's steadily fallen from a couple of miles, to a mile, to about a half mile now. My legs are going and I get winded rapidly. That's something to be expected, but I allowed myself to get lax in my diligence and it startled me as to the speed with which I got that way. Fast, as in three weeks time. I wasn't paying attention, I guess, and noticed that I wasn't hooking very far at all. I'm finding too, that I get to feeling way too full when I feed. I may have to try and alter that and see what happens. There have been days when I didn't want to eat at all, and I forced myself to do so. That to is part and parcel of what's working it's self into my life. The cancer doesn't care whether or not I eat, just that it eats away at me. It's doing it's job, and my job is to try and slow it down. We fight that little bit out all the time, cancer and I do. Eventually it's gonna win, but I want it to be on the ropes long enough it'll wish it never picked a fight with this old man.
My pain and swelling are on the increase as well. I can no longer get by with one or two doses of break out pain med, even with the Fentanyl 25 mg patch. So now I'm on a schedule for pain meds. In fact, I may have to have the patch and the break out pain killer increased some. Something I'm not looking forward to in particular, but as a good friend told me and I know to be true "Pain will kill you just as fast as the cancer will. Pain is exhaustive, and it sucks away energy you need to put up a battle with cancer. It makes it difficult to communicate with the family as well. When I struggle with pain, I get short tempered and grouchy. That's not a combination anyone wants to hang around with. And I know for certain, when I get that way I can be a total and complete ass. I also know that it makes it tough for me to get done what I want to accomplish for the day. Even if that's only to read 300 pages in a novel. I need to concentrate and if I'm hurting that's just not happening like it should. So, getting the pain under control is a good thing, excluding that it slows down the rest of my body as well. Some parts ain't doing what they ought. So I'm taking meds for that too. It seems as soon as I get one small problem ironed out, another pops up. You know, kinda like real every day life. I don't think, if we are going to be honest with ourselves that solving one problem doesn't open the door to another. It's the law one action having an equal and opposite reaction. Nature abhors a vacuum, which is why cancer sucks. Okay, that was lame, but I'm leaving it in anyway.
I don't know if it's the drugs, the cancer, or what exactly it is, but I can nod off at home without even trying. I don't when I drive, or I'd give the car up for good. I mentioned yesterday that I dropped off two or three times writing the blog. I've done that this morning as well. It could be that I'm boring myself half to death. Nawwww, that's not it. At least I hope not. I think it's the drugs and cancer combo that makes me drowsy. Now, if I could get all the drop off times to work in a row at night, I'd have something. Interrupted sleep is for the birds. It makes me even more tired than usual, and adds to my general grumpiness. I'd rather got 4-6 hours straight sleep, than what I get now. An hour or so, then awake for thirty minutes, then an hour or so asleep. Repeat if necessary. And it's always necessary. It also gives me some jacked up dreams. Most of those are just plain weird, which is fine. Who doesn't enjoy an odd dream? I have, however, had a couple of nightmares. Not the "Destiny destiny no escaping not for me!" from Young Frankenstein kind either. Real cold sweat nightmares. Definitely not the kind of thing I like to wake up too. More mostly nekkid, well endowed women, please, and less of the frightening stuff, if you please Mr Subconscious. I don't know how many other people fighting cancer have the same symptoms, but I'd be willin to hazard a guess more than just a few.
Since I started the blog as kind of an educational tool, based solely upon my experiences. I'm hoping that I am succeeding in that at least a little bit. I also want to kind of ease the nervousness that goes hand in hand with watching someone dying from being so afraid of what they are seeing. It's not pretty, I'm sure, to watch someone you love waste slowly away. And this is where the caregiver/family members show the strength they tell me they don't think they possess. I've got the easy end of this jobs. Just kind of sit around and fade out. Dealing with that, though, that's tough. So, I'm trying to make that easier, I hope, for other folks if this should arise. And face it, friends, we are all getting older.
Now, as it goes, I've got to close my eyes for a bit. Maybe gain enough get up and go that when I take the next round of meds I feel 100% better than right now
Jump in with both feet today. Act like this is the last time you'll get to take a breath, see how nifty the day looks when you do that. I did it every time I had to put on an air tank and mask to gauge a poison gas well tank battery. Get up there, malfunction, there ain't a lot of time to out run the H2S before you have to draw a breath. Teaches you to double check your equipment, and all ways have an escape route.
Love all y'all. Be patient, Lord knows I don't have a lot, but I'm working on it
So, what's new? Not a heck of a lot, really. My days have this wonderful routine that is both mind numbingly monotonous and stimulating. How weird is that? I have to do certain things like feed and medicate at certain times, nothing in stone but it's easier to have it set up that way, then it's read a bit. Or play a video game. Or like the last 3 days, sleep more and more each day. I didn't sleep well last night though. Up and down coughing. Sometimes a bit of blood, most times not. I do need to get my kids in and have a sit down discussion about my blood letting increasing. I don't want them to panic unless I say to panic. Increasingly I get restless, though, and feel I need to do something extra. So I try to walk. That's steadily fallen from a couple of miles, to a mile, to about a half mile now. My legs are going and I get winded rapidly. That's something to be expected, but I allowed myself to get lax in my diligence and it startled me as to the speed with which I got that way. Fast, as in three weeks time. I wasn't paying attention, I guess, and noticed that I wasn't hooking very far at all. I'm finding too, that I get to feeling way too full when I feed. I may have to try and alter that and see what happens. There have been days when I didn't want to eat at all, and I forced myself to do so. That to is part and parcel of what's working it's self into my life. The cancer doesn't care whether or not I eat, just that it eats away at me. It's doing it's job, and my job is to try and slow it down. We fight that little bit out all the time, cancer and I do. Eventually it's gonna win, but I want it to be on the ropes long enough it'll wish it never picked a fight with this old man.
My pain and swelling are on the increase as well. I can no longer get by with one or two doses of break out pain med, even with the Fentanyl 25 mg patch. So now I'm on a schedule for pain meds. In fact, I may have to have the patch and the break out pain killer increased some. Something I'm not looking forward to in particular, but as a good friend told me and I know to be true "Pain will kill you just as fast as the cancer will. Pain is exhaustive, and it sucks away energy you need to put up a battle with cancer. It makes it difficult to communicate with the family as well. When I struggle with pain, I get short tempered and grouchy. That's not a combination anyone wants to hang around with. And I know for certain, when I get that way I can be a total and complete ass. I also know that it makes it tough for me to get done what I want to accomplish for the day. Even if that's only to read 300 pages in a novel. I need to concentrate and if I'm hurting that's just not happening like it should. So, getting the pain under control is a good thing, excluding that it slows down the rest of my body as well. Some parts ain't doing what they ought. So I'm taking meds for that too. It seems as soon as I get one small problem ironed out, another pops up. You know, kinda like real every day life. I don't think, if we are going to be honest with ourselves that solving one problem doesn't open the door to another. It's the law one action having an equal and opposite reaction. Nature abhors a vacuum, which is why cancer sucks. Okay, that was lame, but I'm leaving it in anyway.
I don't know if it's the drugs, the cancer, or what exactly it is, but I can nod off at home without even trying. I don't when I drive, or I'd give the car up for good. I mentioned yesterday that I dropped off two or three times writing the blog. I've done that this morning as well. It could be that I'm boring myself half to death. Nawwww, that's not it. At least I hope not. I think it's the drugs and cancer combo that makes me drowsy. Now, if I could get all the drop off times to work in a row at night, I'd have something. Interrupted sleep is for the birds. It makes me even more tired than usual, and adds to my general grumpiness. I'd rather got 4-6 hours straight sleep, than what I get now. An hour or so, then awake for thirty minutes, then an hour or so asleep. Repeat if necessary. And it's always necessary. It also gives me some jacked up dreams. Most of those are just plain weird, which is fine. Who doesn't enjoy an odd dream? I have, however, had a couple of nightmares. Not the "Destiny destiny no escaping not for me!" from Young Frankenstein kind either. Real cold sweat nightmares. Definitely not the kind of thing I like to wake up too. More mostly nekkid, well endowed women, please, and less of the frightening stuff, if you please Mr Subconscious. I don't know how many other people fighting cancer have the same symptoms, but I'd be willin to hazard a guess more than just a few.
Since I started the blog as kind of an educational tool, based solely upon my experiences. I'm hoping that I am succeeding in that at least a little bit. I also want to kind of ease the nervousness that goes hand in hand with watching someone dying from being so afraid of what they are seeing. It's not pretty, I'm sure, to watch someone you love waste slowly away. And this is where the caregiver/family members show the strength they tell me they don't think they possess. I've got the easy end of this jobs. Just kind of sit around and fade out. Dealing with that, though, that's tough. So, I'm trying to make that easier, I hope, for other folks if this should arise. And face it, friends, we are all getting older.
Now, as it goes, I've got to close my eyes for a bit. Maybe gain enough get up and go that when I take the next round of meds I feel 100% better than right now
Jump in with both feet today. Act like this is the last time you'll get to take a breath, see how nifty the day looks when you do that. I did it every time I had to put on an air tank and mask to gauge a poison gas well tank battery. Get up there, malfunction, there ain't a lot of time to out run the H2S before you have to draw a breath. Teaches you to double check your equipment, and all ways have an escape route.
Love all y'all. Be patient, Lord knows I don't have a lot, but I'm working on it
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Wow
Okay, this is a time of lasts and firsts. I've got a lot of last time things I'm working on finishing. It's easy to keep up with folks via Facebook and the internet, but I still like to "press the flesh". Yes, that makes my eyes leak copious amounts of water. And I've decided instead of walking away like I did in McPherson, and leaving my wife holding the bag for me, I'll stay and let them leak. After all, some of these meetings may be our last in person. My friends deserve better than my back because I'm too self centered to let the water works start. I can fix that. That's one of the firsts, for certain. I've always felt that when someone was crying I should try and fix it so they didn't cry any longer. I can't fix this. I'm dying, it's miserable, sometimes I get incredibly sad, why wouldn't I share that with people who care about me and my family? I'm stubborn, that's why. And a little selfish. I've always considered my tears my own, and I don't like to share them with anyone. Through this entire thing, I don't think Liz has caught me welled up more than a couple of times. One of them I couldn't stop. I heard my own voice. Not the one I have now, this one sucks and is getting worse. I hate that people feel bad when I speak and they say "I'm sorry, I didn't get any of that". It makes them feel badly and in some cases they turn a bit red from embarrassment. I'll tell you today, don't feel that way at all. I know what I want to say, and to me 99% of it comes out clear. I know that's not the case, it's why I carry a pad and pen, so we can communicate. So, lay off feeling guilty or sad that you can't understand me. We will make do, somehow. Don't think another thing about it.
On the new front. Well, it seems like the old body has all kinds of tricks it's yet to show me. I don't know what it is, but I've been so snot filled lately that I choke on the darn stuff. That's new, even when things were blooming, in harvest, or being let lay fallow, I didn't have this kind of problem. Not just the swallowing part either, but the incredible increase in shear volume. It's making it hard to sleep, without constant interruption. I'm no stranger to interrupted sleep insomnia, I've had that for years. But to wake up feeling like you're choking, that's something else entirely. I'm gonna have to move back to the recliner full time, so The Lovely can get all the rest she needs. The other first is finding out I can sleep at lot, not just at on long stretch, which I prefer. Sometimes it's okay, but, like this morning I dropped off and slept so long I missed taking The Boy to school. I hate when I do that, and it's becoming more frequent. I'm told that's normal, and since the cancer is moving along at it's own pace, so will my ability to just drop off at will. Even with no place to go, in particular, and as fast as I wear out, it's one of the things I'm finding I don't like at all. "Well, this is just part of the process" is becoming a phrase that I will hear more often now as well. And it's not a process I can slow down or stop at this point. That giving up control thing really sucks panda ass.
Everyones world changes for them, almost daily, but most of the time it's too small to even notice. Such as, most of us feel a little less spry than we did even 5 years ago. With the exception of a couple of people I know, they are the exceptions that prove the rule. Things like moving a little slower, or having more creaks and pops while we work or stand up. You might even think, "Damn, this just started" when in fact it's just the first you've noticed it. With me it's like the getting tired faster and taking longer to recover. Looking back it wasn't just BAM, I can't do that as well anymore. And if I'm honest with myself, most of what I have going on now was several weeks in the making and not just popping up over night. For a while I've been having to force myself to use all 8 cans of formula daily to eat. Yesterday was truly the first time, though, to only slug down six. I was just too tired, my mouth and throat ached and I wasn't hungry. That's a first of literally making the decision to no eat. There have been days when I've forgotten, but none that were intentional. My changes, and I'm sure they build up if I'd pay attention, seem to come in spurts. Several things that are happening, I don't recall happening with any frequency early on. Some of the things I can take in stride, others are kind of shocking to me. Like the recovery time. I know in my mind that's going to happen, but I don't recall it taking this long to recover after trips. It's been 2 months since my last trip to Houston, and I know that it took one solid day to recover. I'm headed into the sixth day since we started the Kansas trip, and I'm not back to where I was, yet. I may not get there, either. It appears that road trips wear me out physically. So, one more trip in October and I figure I'll have to stop those.
I also find I've got a great network of friends both old and new. It's amazing and humbling, and I thank all of you for letting me be part of your life. It's a great feeling and one I hope I can live up to in your eyes. Seems like you all look past my faults and foibles, and that's the best gift ever. The folks at McPherson Highland Games, they surprised me twice. Once on Saturday and once on Sunday. I never expect the kindness, because, to me, I'm still just another guy on the field. They are great folks indeed. And the same hold true for all my friends, old and new. It's great and I appreciate each and every one of you guys. It's been a long time coming for me to admit I can't do everything alone, and actually do need some help from time to time. Thanks for being patient with me. I may be hard headed, but I see the light eventually. Family and friends, the two greatest treasures a person can have. I'm wealthy beyond measure. That's a damn good thing.
Okay, I've dosed off twice writing this darn thing, once for over two hours. I'm boring myself to death.
Orders for the day: Give someone a hug, can't hurt either one of you. WAIT!! Be careful with that. In this day and age some dipshit is libel to sue you for sexual harassment! You get the idea though. Try making someone feel good. It may only be a couple of words. But you can change someone's day with a kind statement or a hug. Be cool, hear?
On the new front. Well, it seems like the old body has all kinds of tricks it's yet to show me. I don't know what it is, but I've been so snot filled lately that I choke on the darn stuff. That's new, even when things were blooming, in harvest, or being let lay fallow, I didn't have this kind of problem. Not just the swallowing part either, but the incredible increase in shear volume. It's making it hard to sleep, without constant interruption. I'm no stranger to interrupted sleep insomnia, I've had that for years. But to wake up feeling like you're choking, that's something else entirely. I'm gonna have to move back to the recliner full time, so The Lovely can get all the rest she needs. The other first is finding out I can sleep at lot, not just at on long stretch, which I prefer. Sometimes it's okay, but, like this morning I dropped off and slept so long I missed taking The Boy to school. I hate when I do that, and it's becoming more frequent. I'm told that's normal, and since the cancer is moving along at it's own pace, so will my ability to just drop off at will. Even with no place to go, in particular, and as fast as I wear out, it's one of the things I'm finding I don't like at all. "Well, this is just part of the process" is becoming a phrase that I will hear more often now as well. And it's not a process I can slow down or stop at this point. That giving up control thing really sucks panda ass.
Everyones world changes for them, almost daily, but most of the time it's too small to even notice. Such as, most of us feel a little less spry than we did even 5 years ago. With the exception of a couple of people I know, they are the exceptions that prove the rule. Things like moving a little slower, or having more creaks and pops while we work or stand up. You might even think, "Damn, this just started" when in fact it's just the first you've noticed it. With me it's like the getting tired faster and taking longer to recover. Looking back it wasn't just BAM, I can't do that as well anymore. And if I'm honest with myself, most of what I have going on now was several weeks in the making and not just popping up over night. For a while I've been having to force myself to use all 8 cans of formula daily to eat. Yesterday was truly the first time, though, to only slug down six. I was just too tired, my mouth and throat ached and I wasn't hungry. That's a first of literally making the decision to no eat. There have been days when I've forgotten, but none that were intentional. My changes, and I'm sure they build up if I'd pay attention, seem to come in spurts. Several things that are happening, I don't recall happening with any frequency early on. Some of the things I can take in stride, others are kind of shocking to me. Like the recovery time. I know in my mind that's going to happen, but I don't recall it taking this long to recover after trips. It's been 2 months since my last trip to Houston, and I know that it took one solid day to recover. I'm headed into the sixth day since we started the Kansas trip, and I'm not back to where I was, yet. I may not get there, either. It appears that road trips wear me out physically. So, one more trip in October and I figure I'll have to stop those.
I also find I've got a great network of friends both old and new. It's amazing and humbling, and I thank all of you for letting me be part of your life. It's a great feeling and one I hope I can live up to in your eyes. Seems like you all look past my faults and foibles, and that's the best gift ever. The folks at McPherson Highland Games, they surprised me twice. Once on Saturday and once on Sunday. I never expect the kindness, because, to me, I'm still just another guy on the field. They are great folks indeed. And the same hold true for all my friends, old and new. It's great and I appreciate each and every one of you guys. It's been a long time coming for me to admit I can't do everything alone, and actually do need some help from time to time. Thanks for being patient with me. I may be hard headed, but I see the light eventually. Family and friends, the two greatest treasures a person can have. I'm wealthy beyond measure. That's a damn good thing.
Okay, I've dosed off twice writing this darn thing, once for over two hours. I'm boring myself to death.
Orders for the day: Give someone a hug, can't hurt either one of you. WAIT!! Be careful with that. In this day and age some dipshit is libel to sue you for sexual harassment! You get the idea though. Try making someone feel good. It may only be a couple of words. But you can change someone's day with a kind statement or a hug. Be cool, hear?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Crapola
Well, as fun as the weekend was there are ramifications that come with enjoying ones self, particularly if you're carting around an active cancer in your body. I don't recover well, not like I did even three weeks ago, and some worse than even a week ago. I've got one trip left in me, and I'm making that trip even if I have to cart along the walker to get there. It's important to me, there are people I need to see. I feel that I may be trapped and can't get away from them when my eyes begin to leak, like I could at McPherson. In retrospect, I should have just let the tears fall, rather than walk away like I did. That was rude of me and I apologize. I hate to cry. A lot of finality showed up at McPherson, not that I didn't know that was going to be the case, but it's still a bit shocking.
Liz took Monday off so she could kind of rest up as well. It was a long drive home Sunday, and I was so beat she had to do the majority of the driving. So, we plan to do a couple of things. One was take her car down to get the tires rebalanced and rotated. I get to the tire shop and start to cough. Of course I didn't bring my suction, because that wasn't going to happen, right? Wrong! It was a particularly long and hard coughing session. I finally coughed up the culprit. A large blood soaked mucus patch. I know this isn't the best thing to read before breakfast, but y'all seemed to like that I was open and honest. The fact is, I'm bleeding more and this is something that happens at least once a week now, instead of every couple of weeks. And I bleed a bit longer, and a bit harder every time. This is only going to get worse, I'm told. I'm not afraid of that, other than it's a major pain in the ass. Liz got in the car so I could take us to breakfast, which wasn't happening now, obviously, and said "wow, that's a lot of blood this morning.". Yes it was, and it hung in there until almost noon. That's about double the length of time it was before. Generally a couple of hours, not 4.5 or five hours. It's a sign the cancer is still hangin in there and moving it's miserable self along at a nice steady pace. Maybe even picking up a bit. So, that shut down anything I was really wanting to do yesterday with Liz. What I did do was sleep an inordinate amount, because I was so exhausted from the trip. Okay, and from bleeding and coughing so hard. It cost me going in for a lymphedema treatment, which helps control my pain. I like that part, since without it I've been into my "break out" pain med more often than normal.
There are things within this blog that I'm not entirely "open and honest" about. Not that I lie about anything, but that I just don't want to share. If it's important for people to know health wise, or attitude wise, I'll share it with you. After all, I set this up as a place to learn something about me, and hopefully about yourself as a reader. If that's working, then I'm pretty pleased with the overall idea of the blog. However, there are somethings that I have to deal with first, so as to get my mind in the middle and leave it there so I don't get thrown and stomped. I get to them eventually, well, most of them anyway. But I need some time of my own to figure out how I'm going to handle them before I write about my experiences with what's going on. I'm hoping everyone understands that. I'm used to doing things on my own without a lot of help. So this whole Hospice thing is still bugging me a little. I even like my nurse, she's a very nice person and almost mother hens me. In some regards that's kind of nice. The other side of me that's not so welcome. The side that says, "Do this yourself, pussy", he doesn't like help and generally rails against it. Although that side is getting to be a lot more quiet than it used to be. I figure it's smart enough to know it can't do this alone like we used to do things.
I also try to keep from the blog that I'm sliding downhill. To me this is supposed to be a blog about educating folks so they don't fear the process if they or a loved one gets into this situation. In my mind saying "Fuck, I'm in bad shape today" isn't inspiring. It's honest, but not much in the lines of inspiration. It also turns out that I underestimated the fact that in being 99% open, that it wasn't hard to read between the lines and people could tell when I was having a rough time and when I wasn't. So I'll kick that to the boards and I'll come right out and say, "I'm not doing well today", and hopefully have something figured out to make that a better situation. I did that yesterday. I was stuck at home, but I also got to read a bit, let my body heal up some, and got myself to the point that by late afternoon I was feeling my oats just a bit. That's always a good thing. I think that as time goes by and the end gets closer, I'm going to have few moments, and shorter lived moments, when I feel my oats. I should be reveling in those as they come along instead of wishing they were longer. That's more my style anyway. To jump on the good time and ride it into the ground. Not giving the good moments any rest until they are played completely out. I may pay a physical price for those times, but it's worth far more to me than being worn out and hacking up blood than to miss having a laugh or some fun of some kind. Even if it's just startling the piss out of my oldest daughter. She's easy that way HA! I don't know who I thought I was fooling by not being open about how I feel from day to day. It certainly isn't The Lovely, or the readers of the blog. Must have been myself, thinking "Well, what they don't know can't hurt". Except that I have very intelligent readers, and I can't pull the wool over their eyes any more than I can The Lovely. So, I'll work on that a bit.
So, here's my new game plan. To still keep a positive attitude, but be more honest and open with all of you about how things are progressing. It's all part of the process, and how am I going to impart how things are going if I'm not right there letting all the symptoms, bad and good, lead the way, right?
I'll be more open to letting my eyes leak in front of people as well. Gee, it turns out maybe they wanna share a little boo hoo with me. By walking away and not letting people share that moment with me I was being selfish. If this blog and my flight toward Terminal Velocity means anything, it should mean that we all share together, not just at my whim or fancy. Especially if people have traveled to see me. I apologize for leaving you folks sitting on Saturday. I should have stuck it out and let the eyes leak. I'll do that from now on. And believe me, I hate to fucking cry, always have and always will. So I'm gonna give that discomfort up so we can all be miserable together. How's that for a deal?
Today's marching orders!! Somewhere there's something just dying to be noticed. A sunset, a sunrise, a flower, a cute kid....something. Take the time to stop just for a second and give it a look. On our way home, light was getting low in the sky around the Canadian River valley. Beautiful. I'm glad I got to see that. And it was just aching for someone to take a long look at it. So I did . Those are your orders for today. DISMISSED
Liz took Monday off so she could kind of rest up as well. It was a long drive home Sunday, and I was so beat she had to do the majority of the driving. So, we plan to do a couple of things. One was take her car down to get the tires rebalanced and rotated. I get to the tire shop and start to cough. Of course I didn't bring my suction, because that wasn't going to happen, right? Wrong! It was a particularly long and hard coughing session. I finally coughed up the culprit. A large blood soaked mucus patch. I know this isn't the best thing to read before breakfast, but y'all seemed to like that I was open and honest. The fact is, I'm bleeding more and this is something that happens at least once a week now, instead of every couple of weeks. And I bleed a bit longer, and a bit harder every time. This is only going to get worse, I'm told. I'm not afraid of that, other than it's a major pain in the ass. Liz got in the car so I could take us to breakfast, which wasn't happening now, obviously, and said "wow, that's a lot of blood this morning.". Yes it was, and it hung in there until almost noon. That's about double the length of time it was before. Generally a couple of hours, not 4.5 or five hours. It's a sign the cancer is still hangin in there and moving it's miserable self along at a nice steady pace. Maybe even picking up a bit. So, that shut down anything I was really wanting to do yesterday with Liz. What I did do was sleep an inordinate amount, because I was so exhausted from the trip. Okay, and from bleeding and coughing so hard. It cost me going in for a lymphedema treatment, which helps control my pain. I like that part, since without it I've been into my "break out" pain med more often than normal.
There are things within this blog that I'm not entirely "open and honest" about. Not that I lie about anything, but that I just don't want to share. If it's important for people to know health wise, or attitude wise, I'll share it with you. After all, I set this up as a place to learn something about me, and hopefully about yourself as a reader. If that's working, then I'm pretty pleased with the overall idea of the blog. However, there are somethings that I have to deal with first, so as to get my mind in the middle and leave it there so I don't get thrown and stomped. I get to them eventually, well, most of them anyway. But I need some time of my own to figure out how I'm going to handle them before I write about my experiences with what's going on. I'm hoping everyone understands that. I'm used to doing things on my own without a lot of help. So this whole Hospice thing is still bugging me a little. I even like my nurse, she's a very nice person and almost mother hens me. In some regards that's kind of nice. The other side of me that's not so welcome. The side that says, "Do this yourself, pussy", he doesn't like help and generally rails against it. Although that side is getting to be a lot more quiet than it used to be. I figure it's smart enough to know it can't do this alone like we used to do things.
I also try to keep from the blog that I'm sliding downhill. To me this is supposed to be a blog about educating folks so they don't fear the process if they or a loved one gets into this situation. In my mind saying "Fuck, I'm in bad shape today" isn't inspiring. It's honest, but not much in the lines of inspiration. It also turns out that I underestimated the fact that in being 99% open, that it wasn't hard to read between the lines and people could tell when I was having a rough time and when I wasn't. So I'll kick that to the boards and I'll come right out and say, "I'm not doing well today", and hopefully have something figured out to make that a better situation. I did that yesterday. I was stuck at home, but I also got to read a bit, let my body heal up some, and got myself to the point that by late afternoon I was feeling my oats just a bit. That's always a good thing. I think that as time goes by and the end gets closer, I'm going to have few moments, and shorter lived moments, when I feel my oats. I should be reveling in those as they come along instead of wishing they were longer. That's more my style anyway. To jump on the good time and ride it into the ground. Not giving the good moments any rest until they are played completely out. I may pay a physical price for those times, but it's worth far more to me than being worn out and hacking up blood than to miss having a laugh or some fun of some kind. Even if it's just startling the piss out of my oldest daughter. She's easy that way HA! I don't know who I thought I was fooling by not being open about how I feel from day to day. It certainly isn't The Lovely, or the readers of the blog. Must have been myself, thinking "Well, what they don't know can't hurt". Except that I have very intelligent readers, and I can't pull the wool over their eyes any more than I can The Lovely. So, I'll work on that a bit.
So, here's my new game plan. To still keep a positive attitude, but be more honest and open with all of you about how things are progressing. It's all part of the process, and how am I going to impart how things are going if I'm not right there letting all the symptoms, bad and good, lead the way, right?
I'll be more open to letting my eyes leak in front of people as well. Gee, it turns out maybe they wanna share a little boo hoo with me. By walking away and not letting people share that moment with me I was being selfish. If this blog and my flight toward Terminal Velocity means anything, it should mean that we all share together, not just at my whim or fancy. Especially if people have traveled to see me. I apologize for leaving you folks sitting on Saturday. I should have stuck it out and let the eyes leak. I'll do that from now on. And believe me, I hate to fucking cry, always have and always will. So I'm gonna give that discomfort up so we can all be miserable together. How's that for a deal?
Today's marching orders!! Somewhere there's something just dying to be noticed. A sunset, a sunrise, a flower, a cute kid....something. Take the time to stop just for a second and give it a look. On our way home, light was getting low in the sky around the Canadian River valley. Beautiful. I'm glad I got to see that. And it was just aching for someone to take a long look at it. So I did . Those are your orders for today. DISMISSED
Monday, September 30, 2013
Addendum to "Back to Kansas"
Yes, you need to read "Back to Kansas" first, that's why this is an addendum
It's real short. I'm slipping a bit. I can't seem to get the energy level I once had and I exhaust a lot faster than I used to. Some times it's harder to get up. Other times I get hit with stabbing pain I'm not so sure is all muscle pain where it shows up. I feel swollen from the inside out, and my voice continues it's path down gravel lane until it has just stop working. I've got to will this stuff down for one last trip to Fort Worth next month for the Women's Team Challenge and Celtober Fest event. It's a day of throwing and companionship. Pretty much like every Highland Game I go to play. I'll get a chance, I hope, to see some of my friends in the Metroplex. And that, girls and boys, will be my last trip on this side of the grass.
Love ya
It's real short. I'm slipping a bit. I can't seem to get the energy level I once had and I exhaust a lot faster than I used to. Some times it's harder to get up. Other times I get hit with stabbing pain I'm not so sure is all muscle pain where it shows up. I feel swollen from the inside out, and my voice continues it's path down gravel lane until it has just stop working. I've got to will this stuff down for one last trip to Fort Worth next month for the Women's Team Challenge and Celtober Fest event. It's a day of throwing and companionship. Pretty much like every Highland Game I go to play. I'll get a chance, I hope, to see some of my friends in the Metroplex. And that, girls and boys, will be my last trip on this side of the grass.
Love ya
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