Sleep eluded me last night. Mental note to self. Until it becomes absolutely necessary, no napping in the afternoon, regardless of how badly you feel. Sleep at night, play during the day. Back in the old days, it was sleep a little at night, play during the day and night both. Wow, that's been a long time ago since I've been able to do that. My how the mighty have fallen! HA!
Interesting day yesterday. I woke up, did the morning constitutional, went for a walk and came home. Wow, did I mention stomach cramps started about 5 minutes after I sat down? No? Why yes they did. I am not certain what it was. Theories range from "OOOOO! That aloe water is a cleanser! I shoulda put a warning label on that!" to my favorite"Who the hell knows why?". I learned a new version of the Green Apple Quick Step. So it wasn't an entire loss. But it did wear me clear out. Hence the big nap at 2 PM. And why I'm still awake now. Go figgar.
We were setting around talking about insurance last night. My wife's hospital will no longer carry spouses on their insurance. Obamacare has seen to that with the increase in expense. She's checking on dependents. Some win for the entire nation, and I told people it was going to be a load of shit from the get go. So much for getting what you wish for, right kids? Anyway, I digress. We were talking about that and I flippantly said "I need to be dead by then". Stares of total disbelief, and shock. Sarah says "But we don't want you to die". Strangely enough, me either, but that's not reality. So, my six year old grandson chimes in with "When your dad dies, that's it, game over". I, of course, cracked up. I mean, physically he's correct. And for all the speculation, I don't think anyone knows for sure about the after life. I have promised, if I'm able, to at least let some folks know what goes on and how it is. If I ask for hot dogs and sticks, because we roast down here, it wasn't as I had planned. And THAT should stir some folks up. And to them I would say, "Relax, have a good time. When the time comes that we can't kid about ourselves, it's time to hang it up anyway."
Later I asked him if I could come back and hang out for a while. He read that and looked at me all serious, "No. Because when you're dead, you don't want to do anything anyway". That made a lot of sense. And as my friend Barry said on FaceBook "Heck, I don't want to do anything and I'm still kicking!". To that I can relate as well. I think we all sweat what's coming because we simply aren't certain of what's next. What if it's truly the big nothing? What if there really is hell? And more frightening I think...What if we are really judged? Some folks will claim they know, but that's more a hope, I believe. So, I'm going to let the young man, when he's old enough to understand, decide what he believes. This, BTW, is not open for debate. Everyone is allowed to believe what they wish around me, and I don't criticize or ask for any explanation from them. So today, this topic is closed as of this sentence. Sorry, gang, but it got damn ugly last time, and I won't stand for anymore of that from any person.
Why some people are so fearful of death is beyond me. It's the tail end of life. Anyone born is going to die at some point or another. And I find that the kids are generally the most accepting of that. Is it because they haven't seen it closely enough? Maybe that is it. Kids have pets die though, while it's sad, I think they also see that life didn't stop, that it goes on. So, being the adaptable little devils they are, they just move on and keep going forward. More adults should do that. I will, however, make exception with the death of a child. I don't think that's something I could handle well. And I thank my lucky stars that I never did have to deal with it. For my friends who have, God bless you, you're strong people. We are all getting older. In another 10-15 years we are all going to see a big increase in the number of people we know who are going to pass on to the next big adventure. We should all be bracing ourselves for that, because it's as inevitable as the rising of the sun. And how we treat death, says much about how we live, I think. I figure we should grieve for ourselves, which we do I think. We should also celebrate the life of the departed. How? By being better than the person the wanted up to be. Live our lives, not just get by with material things, but really live it. Get the wind in your hair, eat something you never have tried (for me, chocolate grasshoppers just didn't cut it. Calf fries, on the other hand, done correctly, are damn hard to turn down). If you're not happy with your lot in life, change it. If it's a money thing, find something that pays more. If it's something you love doing, money shouldn't be that big an issue, should it?
I would have sworn, yesterday, that things really are moving along faster than I, or the doctors, expected. Now I'm not so sure. I mean, I'm sleep deprived, sure. But that I can fix. I still feel weird, but all over weird, not just centralized weird. That may mean some kind of bug. Who knows? This I do know, I don't have the stamina, or energy I did a month ago. I can feel it in my legs. They get rubbery way too fast. And that makes me tired. Very tired.
Okay, this is my last trip to Kansas. There won't be anymore any time, any place. Unless I go in an urn. That being said, the "Last Meet And Greet of Rock's Life" will be at the Lake Park in McPherson Kansas, Saturday September 28 during The McPherson Scottish Festival and Highland Games. I've got to write a little something for the AD's, athletes, and crowd for these guys. I would have for Arlington, but I had high hopes of surviving when I was at those.
It'll be a tough one to write. I'm gonna miss everyone there.
So, as I work on getting myself ready for what I swore I wouldn't do, nap during the day, here are your marching orders.
Book of Rock, Chapter 45, verse 135. "Throw down or sit down, I'm tired of your mouth". That's how you should treat your life. It's a struggle sometimes, don't let it scare you into setting down.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Catch up
So, I skip a day here and there, yesterday was no exception. I was sore, muscle wise, and it seemed clear into my bones sore and tired. So I sat on my butt, feed, did the med thing, took more of the "break through pain" med than I have for a few days, and played a video game. I really wasn't up to anything but sit. I did make The Lovely breakfast, and I may fix supper tonight. I've got some things I need to use before they go bad. It's even getting to be a pain in the ass to cook. Gotta have extra's with me just so I can stand and do the cooking thing for any length of time.
Saturday was great. Pretty weather to start. Felt pretty decent. Gave the Lovely a smooch. Then went to watch the Hospital softball team play. Lovely is on the team, but doesn't play. She sacrificed a shoulder and both calves to the game, that seemed to be enough for her. They wore the jersey's that one of the co-workers designed and printed. Fluorescent Green with boxing gloves and "Rock's Team, We're all in Rocky's corner" on the front. Pretty cool. No, very fucking cool, actually. A show of support for Lovely and me. Not that others haven't been doing that too, this was nearly her entire department behind this little event. That's a lot of folks. And they support not only me, but Lovely. She needs support too. Everyone's wife/husband/shack up/love of their life needs support when one of the people they love is dying. I wrote them a nice from the heart note that ended "Dying sucks, but it's a lot easier if you get a cool shirt out of the deal". That's not all I wrote. I let them know how they had left me speechless, and how my normally over confident self was left feeling pretty damn humble. I had a good time. Watching the everyone play, visiting with Lovely's boss. That takes a lot of writing. Lovely can't get much of what I say now, unless I swear. So everyone else can catch less than she does, except for when I swear. Some people get really upset with swearing. I only get upset if it's not used in proper context, and somewhat creatively. I did have to have some extra pain killer during the day, but not like I thought I might. That evening, however, was a different story.
The trip to Kansas this weekend is going to be tougher than I thought it would be just over a month ago. I tire pretty quickly, and I need a place I can lean back a bit and take the pressure off my neck and shoulders. That's pretty easy when we drive. We can share that, and I can rest a bit at a time. Won't work that way on the field. I'll have to find a shady tree out of range of the long throwers and beg a place to stretch out on my backpack. I've done it before and can do it again. It's important to me to go, although some people have doubted my resolve the last week or so. This is going to be my last time up there. I like the state, just can't make the same money up there that I can here. Texas has been very good to me. I'm glad I learned to live with the seasons, unlike the guys here that freeze to death, or shut down in the wind. Certainly a different oil field that when I started, and in most cases that's a good thing. It's the last time I'll see old friends from my youth (I hope several can make it) and the newer friends I've made in the last ten years being a mediocre athlete. All of them are like extended family. I'm giving away my sheaf fork as well. It's really old and was given to me by a great guy and damn fine athlete. It deserves to go be used, and not just set in my garage. If they'll let me, I'm going to have the announcer at the McPherson Scottish Festival and Highland Games read a little something for the athletes and the AD's. They deserve a little shout out, because I say they do. This trip, and one more will be it for me. Going to the Celtober Women's Team Challenge, and Celtober Throw Down in Fort Worth are going to be my last two trips that far away. I have the feeling that's all I'm going to want as far as travel goes. The last trip to Houston wore my ass out, and that was almost 2 months ago. These may well lay me up for a couple of weeks. They'll be worth it, though
I was hoping that being tired quickly would come along much later than it has, and now I'm having to work around that, instead of just barreling through like I normally would. It seems to take more time to get back to feeling half human than it did. I'm going for a walk as soon as this is finished, and catch some of that early morning air. That rejuvenates me better than a lot of things. It wears me out, but it's the good kind. At least it's muscle weary instead of just fried because I don't have the energy I once did. So, this is going to be a short blog.
Ya'll have fun and do something I wanna do
Saturday was great. Pretty weather to start. Felt pretty decent. Gave the Lovely a smooch. Then went to watch the Hospital softball team play. Lovely is on the team, but doesn't play. She sacrificed a shoulder and both calves to the game, that seemed to be enough for her. They wore the jersey's that one of the co-workers designed and printed. Fluorescent Green with boxing gloves and "Rock's Team, We're all in Rocky's corner" on the front. Pretty cool. No, very fucking cool, actually. A show of support for Lovely and me. Not that others haven't been doing that too, this was nearly her entire department behind this little event. That's a lot of folks. And they support not only me, but Lovely. She needs support too. Everyone's wife/husband/shack up/love of their life needs support when one of the people they love is dying. I wrote them a nice from the heart note that ended "Dying sucks, but it's a lot easier if you get a cool shirt out of the deal". That's not all I wrote. I let them know how they had left me speechless, and how my normally over confident self was left feeling pretty damn humble. I had a good time. Watching the everyone play, visiting with Lovely's boss. That takes a lot of writing. Lovely can't get much of what I say now, unless I swear. So everyone else can catch less than she does, except for when I swear. Some people get really upset with swearing. I only get upset if it's not used in proper context, and somewhat creatively. I did have to have some extra pain killer during the day, but not like I thought I might. That evening, however, was a different story.
The trip to Kansas this weekend is going to be tougher than I thought it would be just over a month ago. I tire pretty quickly, and I need a place I can lean back a bit and take the pressure off my neck and shoulders. That's pretty easy when we drive. We can share that, and I can rest a bit at a time. Won't work that way on the field. I'll have to find a shady tree out of range of the long throwers and beg a place to stretch out on my backpack. I've done it before and can do it again. It's important to me to go, although some people have doubted my resolve the last week or so. This is going to be my last time up there. I like the state, just can't make the same money up there that I can here. Texas has been very good to me. I'm glad I learned to live with the seasons, unlike the guys here that freeze to death, or shut down in the wind. Certainly a different oil field that when I started, and in most cases that's a good thing. It's the last time I'll see old friends from my youth (I hope several can make it) and the newer friends I've made in the last ten years being a mediocre athlete. All of them are like extended family. I'm giving away my sheaf fork as well. It's really old and was given to me by a great guy and damn fine athlete. It deserves to go be used, and not just set in my garage. If they'll let me, I'm going to have the announcer at the McPherson Scottish Festival and Highland Games read a little something for the athletes and the AD's. They deserve a little shout out, because I say they do. This trip, and one more will be it for me. Going to the Celtober Women's Team Challenge, and Celtober Throw Down in Fort Worth are going to be my last two trips that far away. I have the feeling that's all I'm going to want as far as travel goes. The last trip to Houston wore my ass out, and that was almost 2 months ago. These may well lay me up for a couple of weeks. They'll be worth it, though
I was hoping that being tired quickly would come along much later than it has, and now I'm having to work around that, instead of just barreling through like I normally would. It seems to take more time to get back to feeling half human than it did. I'm going for a walk as soon as this is finished, and catch some of that early morning air. That rejuvenates me better than a lot of things. It wears me out, but it's the good kind. At least it's muscle weary instead of just fried because I don't have the energy I once did. So, this is going to be a short blog.
Ya'll have fun and do something I wanna do
Saturday, September 21, 2013
I feel like shit
This has been a rough week. Physically and mentally both. I've ached all over, but not had a virus. We got my pain med upped so that's helped a lot in that regard. I've been bleeding a little, but more often, but that's expected. Doesn't make it anymore pleasant. It's difficult to stay ahead of fluid I'm retaining in my neck, face, and shoulders. It's moving down my back and side as well. It's a bit uncomfortable. I've thrown up some. Nothing pleasant about that. Sleep is hit or miss. I'm either not asleep until 0200 or 0300 and up at 0630, or I'm asleep at 2100 and up at 0330. Weird stuff. It's hard to get adjusted since everything seems out of whack. I've dumped a long time buddy, because I got tired of his shit of running down my home state, what I did for athletics, my job, and a herd of other things. He's really a compassionate guy, and normally I overlooked all that shit. Finally just had enough. Too bad as well. I suppose I could go say "Ya know, I get it, just watch what you say", but that would violate my word I gave him. No way I'm doin that. And I'm not a good enough person to forgive and turn the other cheek. Regardless of what y'all think, I know how to live by the feud. I'm good at it when I have to be as well.
I also pissed off a couple of people. It's a shortfall of being open and honest. So, what I will most likely do, is go back to keeping my mouth fucking shut. I'm pretty good at that as well.
I'm a middle kid. I did pretty much as I damn well pleased even when I was little, because I got ignored. Not on the big stuff, but in the every day things. My sister is nine years older, my brother is four younger. My first grade my sister was driving and my brother was still shitting his pants. See how easy it was to get looked over? The good thing is I learned to make do on my own. It's probably why asking for anything now chaps my ass. I learned to make my own fun, stand up for myself, and get along without anyone. I still like alone time. I'm used to it and it's being incredibly missed since last year when I got diagnosed again. I learned by watching. My sister tried to bullshit her way out of trouble. Saw that more than once. I learned that if you come right out and say (sometimes I didn't, but I was trying to cover someone else's ass from a fate worse than my own) that you fouled up it went a lot easier on the punishment phase. That holds true through adulthood. And it's not all that hard to do, owning up to your mistakes. I learned that shit ain't fair. My brother and I would be getting in trouble and he'd backtalk or sass mom. I'd jab him, and my ass would be in a jam and he'd skip off Scot free. Fair? Hell no, but that's how it was. So I'd smack him, get the extra punishment and go about my own rat killin. Some years back I mentioned that to my mom. We talked about it and hashed it out and it was fine. It's also why I try and take care of things on my own. I won't sue, I won't call the cops, I won't go to HR or the higher ups. It's how I do my thing. I don't have to rely on a third party that way. We either iron it out, or we don't. If we can't, well, you're on my shit list and I won't have a damn thing to to with you again. There's been a lot of talk of late about freedom of speech. A college in CA wouldn't let a student hand out Constitutions. They have "Free Speech Zones". Yes, that's a joke. Kansas University has a journalism Professor that ran his mouth on Twitter and is now on administrative leave. And it's rankled some folks that condemn that action but stand up for not allowing students to hand out Constitutions. I bring this up because being a middle kid taught me that it's fine to run your mouth, as long as you're willing to accept the consequences. That's the essence of free speech really, isn't it?
Since I can't hit the gym anymore to work out these bits of frustration for myself, I have this. I hope I'm not boring you to death with it.
This dying shit is for the birds. I'm not enjoying it one iota. I'm bored, I'm getting a bit weaker, I'm limited in what I can and can't do, and it's sucks chunks of fun out of every day. Don't get me wrong, I still have fun 99% of the time. But it's a drag. I discovered yesterday that I can't walk as far as I used to without getting winded. It's not that I have trouble breathing. I'm getting weaker. I hate being weaker. That's going to happen, though, I know and accept it. I don't have to like it, but I accept it. Fortunately I don't believe it's going to affect my mind or thought process. Man, that would really suck. It's difficult enough to lose most of my communication skills, but if I were to notice my mind going. Wow. I can't imagine that. I see now why alzheimer patients get mean. It's frustration. Somewhere in there they know, but can't figure out why they can't remember. That's enough for a good fist fight. Because it's frightening.
What will happen with me, as the cancer spreads, will be ugly, painful and a mess. I'll do my best to take care of myself, but there will come a time when I can't. I'm really gonna hate that. Relying on people sucks. A lot of older folks would back me up on that I'm sure. It's already, I believe, my lymph nodes, as I've mentioned before. I hate that my family is going to have to help me out. I've mentioned that and been chastised for it as well. HA!
Well, this has been a rambling sack of dog poo this morning. Maybe I should hold off posting until I've got my thoughts all squared away into some sense of order at least. Ya think?
To close (finally, right?)
BIG Shout Out to Midland Memorial Hospital Radiology department. They are wearing the t-shirts one of the guys designed and printed to support Liz and I while I'm croaking. Very cool t-shirt. When I sync my phone up to the lap top I'll add a picture of it here. So, thanks guys, you're a great group of people. I know Liz and I both really appreciate and love what you're doing. And for helping me make our last anniversary one I hope Liz remembers.
A hug and an adult beverage. Those are your marching orders for the day. Go live your damn bucket list, why wait?
I also pissed off a couple of people. It's a shortfall of being open and honest. So, what I will most likely do, is go back to keeping my mouth fucking shut. I'm pretty good at that as well.
I'm a middle kid. I did pretty much as I damn well pleased even when I was little, because I got ignored. Not on the big stuff, but in the every day things. My sister is nine years older, my brother is four younger. My first grade my sister was driving and my brother was still shitting his pants. See how easy it was to get looked over? The good thing is I learned to make do on my own. It's probably why asking for anything now chaps my ass. I learned to make my own fun, stand up for myself, and get along without anyone. I still like alone time. I'm used to it and it's being incredibly missed since last year when I got diagnosed again. I learned by watching. My sister tried to bullshit her way out of trouble. Saw that more than once. I learned that if you come right out and say (sometimes I didn't, but I was trying to cover someone else's ass from a fate worse than my own) that you fouled up it went a lot easier on the punishment phase. That holds true through adulthood. And it's not all that hard to do, owning up to your mistakes. I learned that shit ain't fair. My brother and I would be getting in trouble and he'd backtalk or sass mom. I'd jab him, and my ass would be in a jam and he'd skip off Scot free. Fair? Hell no, but that's how it was. So I'd smack him, get the extra punishment and go about my own rat killin. Some years back I mentioned that to my mom. We talked about it and hashed it out and it was fine. It's also why I try and take care of things on my own. I won't sue, I won't call the cops, I won't go to HR or the higher ups. It's how I do my thing. I don't have to rely on a third party that way. We either iron it out, or we don't. If we can't, well, you're on my shit list and I won't have a damn thing to to with you again. There's been a lot of talk of late about freedom of speech. A college in CA wouldn't let a student hand out Constitutions. They have "Free Speech Zones". Yes, that's a joke. Kansas University has a journalism Professor that ran his mouth on Twitter and is now on administrative leave. And it's rankled some folks that condemn that action but stand up for not allowing students to hand out Constitutions. I bring this up because being a middle kid taught me that it's fine to run your mouth, as long as you're willing to accept the consequences. That's the essence of free speech really, isn't it?
Since I can't hit the gym anymore to work out these bits of frustration for myself, I have this. I hope I'm not boring you to death with it.
This dying shit is for the birds. I'm not enjoying it one iota. I'm bored, I'm getting a bit weaker, I'm limited in what I can and can't do, and it's sucks chunks of fun out of every day. Don't get me wrong, I still have fun 99% of the time. But it's a drag. I discovered yesterday that I can't walk as far as I used to without getting winded. It's not that I have trouble breathing. I'm getting weaker. I hate being weaker. That's going to happen, though, I know and accept it. I don't have to like it, but I accept it. Fortunately I don't believe it's going to affect my mind or thought process. Man, that would really suck. It's difficult enough to lose most of my communication skills, but if I were to notice my mind going. Wow. I can't imagine that. I see now why alzheimer patients get mean. It's frustration. Somewhere in there they know, but can't figure out why they can't remember. That's enough for a good fist fight. Because it's frightening.
What will happen with me, as the cancer spreads, will be ugly, painful and a mess. I'll do my best to take care of myself, but there will come a time when I can't. I'm really gonna hate that. Relying on people sucks. A lot of older folks would back me up on that I'm sure. It's already, I believe, my lymph nodes, as I've mentioned before. I hate that my family is going to have to help me out. I've mentioned that and been chastised for it as well. HA!
Well, this has been a rambling sack of dog poo this morning. Maybe I should hold off posting until I've got my thoughts all squared away into some sense of order at least. Ya think?
To close (finally, right?)
BIG Shout Out to Midland Memorial Hospital Radiology department. They are wearing the t-shirts one of the guys designed and printed to support Liz and I while I'm croaking. Very cool t-shirt. When I sync my phone up to the lap top I'll add a picture of it here. So, thanks guys, you're a great group of people. I know Liz and I both really appreciate and love what you're doing. And for helping me make our last anniversary one I hope Liz remembers.
A hug and an adult beverage. Those are your marching orders for the day. Go live your damn bucket list, why wait?
Friday, September 20, 2013
Dammit
Well, after taking a day away from the blog, getting a good night's sleep, up and ready to take the boy to school on time, then no good thing seems to go unpunished lately. I get home. Figure I'll load the old computer up, go to Starbucks, work on the blog and watch the yo yo's stand in line for coffee. Generally a pretty fun thing to do on a cool, cloudy morning. With a bit of rain in the forecast, it would be fun. So far, not the damn case. I get home from taking the boy to school, gather up my toys I have to have to go anywhere, and begin to cough. Not a little, "oh, something is in my trach" cough. No, that would be okay. This was a deep in the back of my throat, what the hell is going on, kinda cough. Only I knew damn well what was going on. I'm gonna puke. Great. See, when I get to the point I puke, nothing keeps it from loading up my sinuses. That also means it has now way to stay in there so I can blow my nose to clear it out. No, it runs right back the direction it went in, all full of yuck and really strong acid. So, it makes me gag, which makes me throw up, which starts the entire process over again. In the mean time, having been fooled before, it'll stop for a few minutes. Lulling you into that happy place that is meant to truly be "Oh shit, that's over with, I can relax", only to jump back in with a nice projectile shot. Ahhh, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I didn't fall for that falsehood. I waited. And just as I had an inkling that it was over, it hit again. I'm fine now, but bear in mind the whole thing took almost 2 hours out of my morning. And is almost as much fun as running a power cheese grater over your private parts. Almost. So, here I sit. Two hours and a half after I dropped The Boy off at school. Two hours plus since I started to gather my stuff. And I think it's finally calmed down. No, I will not be leaving the house today, that bus that hit my a couple days ago came back and hit me again. Somewhere between the corner of Shit I puked and Shit, I Hate That.
So, that fun is out of the way. On the plus side, I didn't bust a vessel or puke up copious amounts of blood. That's a good thing, because people freak out around here if I'm suctioning a little blood. If I puking some, I certainly don't want to do mouth to mouth after one of them passes out. Or runs in circles. Or does the "Stand in Place and Panic Run" which, among women, is accompanied by "Holding my Boobs While I Stand in Place and Panic Run". That's really kinda funny, in a sick way, but it makes me laugh none the same. For good or ill, no one freaks like the first time I got to really tossin my cookies. Mostly that's a good thing. Not as funny, but a lot easier on everyone's blood pressure, for certain.
Now, what brought that one? Well it's very humid and drizzly. That used to make me more of a runny nose boy any way, so why not now? I also fed with a syringe this morning, and may have put it in too fast, which can make a feller throw up. Or it's the huge bubble of gunk that was plaguing me most of the early morning this morning. Any one of those, or all of them, could start that fun and games. Anyway, that's how it is, infrequently, if one can't swallow any thing at all and relies on suction to help them out. It sucks dick for skittles, but it's how it is and will only get worse. Starbucks tomorrow then!!!
See, it's really not all that bad. I mean it hurts, it's a gigantic pain in the ass. But as long as shit like that happens once in a while, I'm reminded that I'm really still alive and kicking. A buddy reminded me of that last night. Pain and adversity can do two things. Drag you down and leave you with nothing. Or reaffirm that you're truly alive, and this is your fight if you're willing. Willing has never been a problem with me. I didn't fight every cause, since some of them weren't mine, but I was, and am, always willing to jump in if someone needs the help, or if I get dragged into it. Adversity is what should drive us toward a different goal. Pain? Sometimes that's a good reminder as to why we need to stay the course. Nothing good has ever come from anything that didn't require some personal sacrifice. It's no fun, but I believe it's a requirement. And that doesn't just mean physical pain, don't limit it there. It's also emotional and mental pain. The old saying "When the going gets tough, the tough get going" is spot on, I believe. Movement is life. Sideways, back a couple of steps, but always with that forwarding looking goal in mind. That's if you have to go over or around the adversity and obstacles that are thrown at you. So, yeah, my forward looking goals are still intact. I just change how I have to get to them
Someone mentioned Gladys's, right next to Kickshickers. I went in there several times. The last time I'm standing drinkin a cold beer, watching two lovely young women flirt with a couple of guys. Then BOOM!! One of em cold cocks the piss out of the other. To his credit, the guy that got hit didn't go clear down, but staggered a bit, got his footing and took the other guy to the floor. By now there's a circle of people around. Most of the guys are being quiet, making sure the winner didn't put leather to the other guy. We did that in the old days, you know. Fight is over, it's over, no kicking a downed man, it wasn't sporting and no one likes an asshole. So, Gladys walks up to me "Go break that up". No, Gladys, that's your bouncers job. "The guy on the ground IS my bouncer!!!". I started cracking up. She got really pissed. Mad enough I think there were actually bees coming out of her BeeHive hairdo, supplied with wiglets and wigs. So, another guy and I walked over, each grabbed a leg and dragged the bouncer and the guy who was beating his ass, outside. I turned mine loose, started to walk over to Kickers, and the dip shit throws a rock at me. He's still on the ground. "You douche, don't make me stomp a hole in your ass", and walked over to the next bar. That was the last time I went into Gladys's. It wasn't as rough as the place she had at 4 Corners, but damn near!! That place was like CutThroat Alley. Geez
Do something that involves a challenge. You know, like watching porn without cheetos, that kinda challenge
Have a wonderful day!! Mine is already getting better.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Hmmmmm
Well, this is turning out to be "Bad Mood Wednesday". It might be best if I just stayed off here and didn't write anything since I'm hotter than a steamed fucking clam right now. And after an hour and a half I should be calmed down, but that's not happening. Usually I get into a snit I'm over it in a few minutes, but this morning is the exception to the rule, and I'm in a foul mood.
I didn't start out that way, no siree Bob it didn't. I had my pain patch upped a notch yesterday, and stayed up kind of late to make sure it didn't have some unwanted side effects. You know, like trouble breathing and the like. I slept a damn good 4 hours too. Straight through, no hacking or coughing. No sinus drainage. Just a nice restful sleep. I woke up without the neck and shoulder pain too. That's a plus. So all in all I was in a pretty good mood. Came up with a plan since I've got an extra trach tube now, so that when I shower the collar isn't wet and icky. And, since it no longer bothers me to look into the hole in my throat, I can change one I've already got set up to use, for the one that's wet from the shower. A nice thing overall. It's more comfortable, and even though the package says "breathable foam collar", it smell like it's not breathable at all while it's drying out. So, starting with a fresh, dry, collar as well as the gauze to go between my trach tube and throat, certainly is a nicer thing. I'd thought about doing it before, but always thought I needed help with it. Nope, I don't. I sorted out the minor problems and it's something I can do on my own. So yeah, the morning started off pretty damn good at my house between 0430 and 0515. Got a shower, fixed my trach, took my meds, got a feed in. Not bad for 45 minutes. While some things are slowing down, others are speeding up. Must be nature balancing itself out.
Oh no, no, the trouble started when I hit Starbucks to hang with my buds. The same old boy started in on my ass this morning. Normally I can blow it off. Not this morning. I tried to tell him to shut the fuck up, but since my voice is going that didn't get understood. And he tried to be funny imitating how I sound and look when I try to speak. I got super pissed off. Couldn't really see anymore than dark outlines of people in a completely red background. That used to spell really bad, bad things were about to happen. Really bad things. So, instead I took a deep breath, gathered up my shit, gave him the finger and walked....lie, stormed the fuck out...of the place. Went for about a 10 minute drive to calm down enough to write legibly and went back. One of the guys that was there tried to smooth it over before I went back in, and the old mother fucker doesn't even realize his friend is that good a buddy. It's a damn shame. So what I wrote was this: "I left for a few minutes so I didn't just slap the fuck clean out of your. Or drill you one in the throat so I could laugh at your inability to breath or speak. But I don't do that anymore. Since all you can do lately is have sport at my expense, something I ignored for a long time before now. And since I'm too sick, sore,tired, and can't talk anymore, I don't have to put up with your shit. I listened to your shit for years, and gave some back, but I don't have to put up with it any more, so kiss my dying ass. This is the last time you'll have me to fuck with ever." Slammed the note down next to his coffee, listened to a worthless fucking apology and left. Last time I'll be in there early in the morning. I'll go in later in the day and visit with the girls. But I certainly don't have to put up with that shit anymore.
It's not that I'm even so thin skinned. Or don't want to be treated differently than I was before. But fuck me, before I even get set down? Bullshit and kiss my ass. I don't need the aggravation. Let it go for ten minutes and I can tune out the drivel about the never ending golf game, or the whining over the shoulder surgery, or how you HAVE to throw money at your kids because they can't take care of themselves. But right off the bat, before I can set my shit down? No. No way. No fucking way do I have to listen to the bullshit. I kid, tease, screw with and laugh with people a lot. But I try to feel them out before I run off at the head. That's an unwritten rule with me. Someone looks tired, or sore, or otherwise distracted, I leave em the hell alone. It's been my experience that you might get busted in the mouth for the things you say to people, so you damn well better be willing to throw down, or just keep your mouth shut. I've always been willing, that's not a problem. And it's not too hard to keep your mouth shut. And, as a rule, most shit people say to me runs off my back. Even when I kind of liked to get into it a little, just mouthing off wouldn't get it done, you had to be serious enough to touch me. So, for whatever reason this morning really twisted my nuts the wrong direction. It's the first time in probably 10 years, I've seen nothing but red. That time some asshole that had just beaten the piss out of a friend's of mine daughter accidentally put his hand on me and said "I'm gonna drive your dick into the dirt". When I could finally see and hear again, he was underneath me, with my thumb buried up to the joint next to my hand in his throat, and was a nice shade of blue with his eyes rolled up into his head. Yes, he breathed when I got off of him. If I hadn't heard one of my friends say "Rock, that's enough", I might not have turned him loose at all. Huntsville is humid in the summer. I'm glad I let him up.
Then I get, "are you going to travel? It doesn't sound like it." from some people. Ya know, why don't you not bother to assume what I will and won't or can't do. When it gets to that point, you'll know because I'll tell ya.
So there, I've got an all day, full burn going. I'm not going to be very pleasant with anyone. And the complete shits of that is, I can't really go off and find somewhere to work it off. I'm fucking stuck basically in town, at the fucking house. It's "Wide Berth Day" around me today.
Have fun, watch out, and don't forget, sometimes even us nice guys lose our tempers
Hugs, and a bang on the hear
I didn't start out that way, no siree Bob it didn't. I had my pain patch upped a notch yesterday, and stayed up kind of late to make sure it didn't have some unwanted side effects. You know, like trouble breathing and the like. I slept a damn good 4 hours too. Straight through, no hacking or coughing. No sinus drainage. Just a nice restful sleep. I woke up without the neck and shoulder pain too. That's a plus. So all in all I was in a pretty good mood. Came up with a plan since I've got an extra trach tube now, so that when I shower the collar isn't wet and icky. And, since it no longer bothers me to look into the hole in my throat, I can change one I've already got set up to use, for the one that's wet from the shower. A nice thing overall. It's more comfortable, and even though the package says "breathable foam collar", it smell like it's not breathable at all while it's drying out. So, starting with a fresh, dry, collar as well as the gauze to go between my trach tube and throat, certainly is a nicer thing. I'd thought about doing it before, but always thought I needed help with it. Nope, I don't. I sorted out the minor problems and it's something I can do on my own. So yeah, the morning started off pretty damn good at my house between 0430 and 0515. Got a shower, fixed my trach, took my meds, got a feed in. Not bad for 45 minutes. While some things are slowing down, others are speeding up. Must be nature balancing itself out.
Oh no, no, the trouble started when I hit Starbucks to hang with my buds. The same old boy started in on my ass this morning. Normally I can blow it off. Not this morning. I tried to tell him to shut the fuck up, but since my voice is going that didn't get understood. And he tried to be funny imitating how I sound and look when I try to speak. I got super pissed off. Couldn't really see anymore than dark outlines of people in a completely red background. That used to spell really bad, bad things were about to happen. Really bad things. So, instead I took a deep breath, gathered up my shit, gave him the finger and walked....lie, stormed the fuck out...of the place. Went for about a 10 minute drive to calm down enough to write legibly and went back. One of the guys that was there tried to smooth it over before I went back in, and the old mother fucker doesn't even realize his friend is that good a buddy. It's a damn shame. So what I wrote was this: "I left for a few minutes so I didn't just slap the fuck clean out of your. Or drill you one in the throat so I could laugh at your inability to breath or speak. But I don't do that anymore. Since all you can do lately is have sport at my expense, something I ignored for a long time before now. And since I'm too sick, sore,tired, and can't talk anymore, I don't have to put up with your shit. I listened to your shit for years, and gave some back, but I don't have to put up with it any more, so kiss my dying ass. This is the last time you'll have me to fuck with ever." Slammed the note down next to his coffee, listened to a worthless fucking apology and left. Last time I'll be in there early in the morning. I'll go in later in the day and visit with the girls. But I certainly don't have to put up with that shit anymore.
It's not that I'm even so thin skinned. Or don't want to be treated differently than I was before. But fuck me, before I even get set down? Bullshit and kiss my ass. I don't need the aggravation. Let it go for ten minutes and I can tune out the drivel about the never ending golf game, or the whining over the shoulder surgery, or how you HAVE to throw money at your kids because they can't take care of themselves. But right off the bat, before I can set my shit down? No. No way. No fucking way do I have to listen to the bullshit. I kid, tease, screw with and laugh with people a lot. But I try to feel them out before I run off at the head. That's an unwritten rule with me. Someone looks tired, or sore, or otherwise distracted, I leave em the hell alone. It's been my experience that you might get busted in the mouth for the things you say to people, so you damn well better be willing to throw down, or just keep your mouth shut. I've always been willing, that's not a problem. And it's not too hard to keep your mouth shut. And, as a rule, most shit people say to me runs off my back. Even when I kind of liked to get into it a little, just mouthing off wouldn't get it done, you had to be serious enough to touch me. So, for whatever reason this morning really twisted my nuts the wrong direction. It's the first time in probably 10 years, I've seen nothing but red. That time some asshole that had just beaten the piss out of a friend's of mine daughter accidentally put his hand on me and said "I'm gonna drive your dick into the dirt". When I could finally see and hear again, he was underneath me, with my thumb buried up to the joint next to my hand in his throat, and was a nice shade of blue with his eyes rolled up into his head. Yes, he breathed when I got off of him. If I hadn't heard one of my friends say "Rock, that's enough", I might not have turned him loose at all. Huntsville is humid in the summer. I'm glad I let him up.
Then I get, "are you going to travel? It doesn't sound like it." from some people. Ya know, why don't you not bother to assume what I will and won't or can't do. When it gets to that point, you'll know because I'll tell ya.
So there, I've got an all day, full burn going. I'm not going to be very pleasant with anyone. And the complete shits of that is, I can't really go off and find somewhere to work it off. I'm fucking stuck basically in town, at the fucking house. It's "Wide Berth Day" around me today.
Have fun, watch out, and don't forget, sometimes even us nice guys lose our tempers
Hugs, and a bang on the hear
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Man, I'm tired
All of a sudden I've been really tired and can't get enough sleep. Well, I mean I get enough that I can function, but I'm taking naps more often and they last longer. Talk about a bummer. Now that I really want to be out doing something other than watching my toe nails grow, I'm getting too tired to even want to do that.
I get worn out quickly. Probably due to lack of the amount of exercise I need, because a lot of that hurts quite a bit. I'm going to go back to at least walking more than I do. I can feel my legs going. The problem even doing that increases the amount of swelling in my neck and face. I'm gonna have to decide which is more important, exercise or less swelling. I go with exercise. The swelling is coming regardless of what I do, so I might as well help the rest of my body out while I can. I'm hoping that does something for this chronic tired spell as well. Jumping my metabolism up can't be all bad, and it'll do wonders for my heart I'm sure. Somewhere in here lies a medium place where I can reap some benefit and not have all the crap side effects that go with it. Part of the reason I wear out fast is probably a pain issue as well. I get so sore so fast it knocks the wind out of me. It's like working with a perpetually strained or pulled muscle. Just constantly pestering you. It jumps in and says "wake up for 15 minutes, I'm lonely", every night. That is part of the problem as well. Looks like it's time to change the pain patch dosage up a notch. That will help some. I was kinda hoping that would be a hold off moment for another month or so. Although, I got this prescription on July 20. I'm close to 2 months into that. That's two months of the uninvited house guest growth, and that's a factor as well.
I have a lack of choice, and that makes me tired as well. I can't just go out and do as I please like I used to go out and do. I have feedings, like some damned baby, that I need to do on at least a partial schedule. I don't just grab a bottle and drink as much liquid as I did either. That has to be planned out so I can fill a feeding bag with whatever I chose to use, be that water or lemonade (no, I can't swallow, but I can get a taste of it), and that takes time. The Hospice brought me by a bunch of gravity feeding bags that have a hose that's at least half the size of my old ones. Instead of 10 or 15 minutes to feed, it takes 40-50 minutes. I've been using a syringe to feed myself. I mean hell, I don't have anywhere to go, but why do I want to be tied down to a damn bag for 3-4 times what I was having to be tied to it in the first place? Even the bags we ordered last have the same damn skinny line. Why is it medical supply places have such a shittin hard time getting what you ordered the first time out the gate? Irritating to say the least. Pisses me plumb the fuck off, to say the average. Physically I'm limited as well. It's safer for me to drive, because I have better mirrors to help me see surrounding traffic, and I'm crazy cautious now. Riding the bike, I can't do that at all. Not and feel as safe as I'd like. I don't have the head and neck rotation I need to ride it into traffic. Although I've got to get it to my son in Grand Prairie, so that's gonna be a big highway ride. And yes, I've tried to wear the helmet. The chin strap cuts into my scar and tissue on my neck and tries to wear a hole in it. Helmet is a no go.
So you see, my choices of things I'd like to to are so limited that it frustrates the shit out of me, and that in and of itself makes me very tired. It's like a constant fight with me to think, "I should go...nope, can't do that". Frustrating.
I hear it's up to you to make your quality of life. And I agree with that. I have a lot of fun still. I'm not as loud, but I still have a good time. While it's not the quality of life I'd like to have, there's still quality in there. As tired as I get, I'm not quite ready to shuck it all in yet. There's a couple of things I have to do first, and a few things I should do. Those I'm working on, the need to do things are coming up quickly. After that, I'm not sure how I'll feel. I know I'll be worn out for a time, but it should be pretty well content. For ten minutes or so anyway. While my quality of life isn't up to my standards, I'm gonna have to pull up the big boy pants and make certain that it gets damn close to there. That gets a bit harder to do every week. Some days it's a plain struggle, but without a struggle, life isn't worth living anyway. I believe life is supposed to be a roller coaster, scary in parts, relaxing in others. I've not been afraid of the parts that are supposed to suck your breath out, there's no reason I should change that now. I don't think anyway.
Okay, my eyes burn, my shoulders and neck are asking for some additional pain meds, so I'm gonna wrap this up.
I'm tired, but that's okay, at least I'm alive enough to realize I'm tired.
Be careful, and have fun. Sometimes I could actually do both. Not often, but sometimes
I get worn out quickly. Probably due to lack of the amount of exercise I need, because a lot of that hurts quite a bit. I'm going to go back to at least walking more than I do. I can feel my legs going. The problem even doing that increases the amount of swelling in my neck and face. I'm gonna have to decide which is more important, exercise or less swelling. I go with exercise. The swelling is coming regardless of what I do, so I might as well help the rest of my body out while I can. I'm hoping that does something for this chronic tired spell as well. Jumping my metabolism up can't be all bad, and it'll do wonders for my heart I'm sure. Somewhere in here lies a medium place where I can reap some benefit and not have all the crap side effects that go with it. Part of the reason I wear out fast is probably a pain issue as well. I get so sore so fast it knocks the wind out of me. It's like working with a perpetually strained or pulled muscle. Just constantly pestering you. It jumps in and says "wake up for 15 minutes, I'm lonely", every night. That is part of the problem as well. Looks like it's time to change the pain patch dosage up a notch. That will help some. I was kinda hoping that would be a hold off moment for another month or so. Although, I got this prescription on July 20. I'm close to 2 months into that. That's two months of the uninvited house guest growth, and that's a factor as well.
I have a lack of choice, and that makes me tired as well. I can't just go out and do as I please like I used to go out and do. I have feedings, like some damned baby, that I need to do on at least a partial schedule. I don't just grab a bottle and drink as much liquid as I did either. That has to be planned out so I can fill a feeding bag with whatever I chose to use, be that water or lemonade (no, I can't swallow, but I can get a taste of it), and that takes time. The Hospice brought me by a bunch of gravity feeding bags that have a hose that's at least half the size of my old ones. Instead of 10 or 15 minutes to feed, it takes 40-50 minutes. I've been using a syringe to feed myself. I mean hell, I don't have anywhere to go, but why do I want to be tied down to a damn bag for 3-4 times what I was having to be tied to it in the first place? Even the bags we ordered last have the same damn skinny line. Why is it medical supply places have such a shittin hard time getting what you ordered the first time out the gate? Irritating to say the least. Pisses me plumb the fuck off, to say the average. Physically I'm limited as well. It's safer for me to drive, because I have better mirrors to help me see surrounding traffic, and I'm crazy cautious now. Riding the bike, I can't do that at all. Not and feel as safe as I'd like. I don't have the head and neck rotation I need to ride it into traffic. Although I've got to get it to my son in Grand Prairie, so that's gonna be a big highway ride. And yes, I've tried to wear the helmet. The chin strap cuts into my scar and tissue on my neck and tries to wear a hole in it. Helmet is a no go.
So you see, my choices of things I'd like to to are so limited that it frustrates the shit out of me, and that in and of itself makes me very tired. It's like a constant fight with me to think, "I should go...nope, can't do that". Frustrating.
I hear it's up to you to make your quality of life. And I agree with that. I have a lot of fun still. I'm not as loud, but I still have a good time. While it's not the quality of life I'd like to have, there's still quality in there. As tired as I get, I'm not quite ready to shuck it all in yet. There's a couple of things I have to do first, and a few things I should do. Those I'm working on, the need to do things are coming up quickly. After that, I'm not sure how I'll feel. I know I'll be worn out for a time, but it should be pretty well content. For ten minutes or so anyway. While my quality of life isn't up to my standards, I'm gonna have to pull up the big boy pants and make certain that it gets damn close to there. That gets a bit harder to do every week. Some days it's a plain struggle, but without a struggle, life isn't worth living anyway. I believe life is supposed to be a roller coaster, scary in parts, relaxing in others. I've not been afraid of the parts that are supposed to suck your breath out, there's no reason I should change that now. I don't think anyway.
Okay, my eyes burn, my shoulders and neck are asking for some additional pain meds, so I'm gonna wrap this up.
I'm tired, but that's okay, at least I'm alive enough to realize I'm tired.
Be careful, and have fun. Sometimes I could actually do both. Not often, but sometimes
Monday, September 16, 2013
Again? Really?
My buddy Dennis made it home in one piece. That's always nice considering once he clears the Permian Basin the chances of surviving on the highway goes up considerably. Folks out here haven't ever been able to drive worth a damn, and it's worse now. The last time I went to Daytona Beach on the bike, the only cars I had tailgate, cut off, or damn near hit me all had Texas tags. And people here wonder why Texas has such a bad rap. Sheesh.
Again with the bleeding throat. Gee whiz that's fun!! There's nothing quite like aspirating and coughing up a nice, big honkin glob of bright red shit out of your trach tube three or four times during the night. Then suctioning it out in the morning. It's not the bleeding, it's tasting the blood that sucks. Hell, I've been hit in the mouth enough to know that coppery, slick, ick, taste of blood. It's getting a tad worse and the weeks move along. When I first noticed it a little over a month or go, it would be just a touch, and it would stop in an hour or so. And that wasn't very often or with any regularity. Now it's two or three times a week and goes on for that hour, and sometimes up to eight or ten hours. Not that it's like I've blown a vessel in my throat or anything, but it's enough it shows up. It could be several things, and all of those are related in some way to Baxter, that devious shit. Some of the symptoms I'm to expect are, you guessed it, bleeding. I'll get tired faster: Check, My energy level will fall: Check, the pain will increase: Check. Hmmm, Baxter is tripping along just like I figured he would. I can almost tell you when he picks up and scoots around so as to do his work in several places. My normal level of tired ramps up, and I just wanna sleep all the time. Actually to the near point of narcolepsy. Crazy stuff this Baxter is pulling.
I've got some other minor physical issues that I suspect will continue to increase. I believe Baxter is checking into my lymph node hotel. and trying to book every room. I'm starting to get some swelling under my arms and around the side of my neck they didn't cut nodes out. I am retaining fluid from my collar bones up, and some down my left side. I believe all that is Baxter related. After all, he liked my lymph nodes 5 years ago, no reason he shouldn't enjoy staying at them again.
Also, my shoulders and muscle around my shoulder blades just won't quit hurting. Sometimes worse than others, sometimes not bad at all, but alway some pain or another going on there. I don't recall if that's one of the symptoms or not. I do know that some of it is directly related to my surgery and how it's messing with my biomechanics. Where they left my pec tied into my chest is tightening up and puling my shoulder in and my head down. We started with some KTape yesterday, and I think that it's already beginning to help. I know that I can't swallow as well, or as much. I'm beginning to think that it's getting toward the end of my SLP therapy. There's no use taking up my therapists time if it's not helping. I'll know by the end of next week. The lymphedema therapy though, is still helping. Getting rid of some of that built up fluid in my face and neck helps a lot. Right now though, it builds back in almost as fast as they can get it cleared out. I may be winding down on that therapy as well. We'll just have to see how that goes. I'm funny, I guess, in that I'll be ready to quit ahead of my therapists. And these are good people, too. They aren't out to hang it in the insurance company just for a chance to treat, and we are working together to get it done. I like them and their "can do" attitude. I can see in their faces too, that they aren't enjoying this "end of life" stuff any more than I am. They're good folk
So, with all that, what am I gonna do? Just as I please, which is just like always. Granted, just as I please includes a large, everything on it thin crust pizza. I'll have to beg off that, but you get the idea. I've got some errands to run today, and then I should be able to just crash and burn with no big problems for the rest of the day. At least that's my plan. I quit telling my wife "I should be in early" when I was working. That was a sure shot that I was gonna be three or so hours late. It's like this: Should = Ought to, but not necessarily will. So I play each trip by ear. Works out better for me.
There are days when I'm not all good thoughts and jolly dancing Rock. Like everyone else I have good and bad days. I choose not to focus on the bad things that are going on, and that takes the edge off bad days for certain. It could be worse is absolutely true. And even I have trouble now and then thinking that. What is certain is that what you think affects how you feel and your health. If you're a constantly down person, you're gonna feel like shit most of the time. Up beat and optimistic people are generally healthier. It's why I put a name on my cancer. I can fight Baxter. Cancer is a broad term that hope is lost in. So screw cancer, I'm working on holding Baxter at bay. Just not with a clinical trial that's gonna make me more sick than I am now. Just because this MAY be a losing fight, doesn't mean I'm not going down swinging. In real life I lost my share of fights, but the other guy generally didn't want to do it again any time soon. Baxter will be no exception to that rule. I plan on fighting dirty, just like I did 30 some years ago, when I had to fight at all,
So, let's review. New things happen every day. It's not all cheery things either. That doesn't matter. Change is inevitable, no use railing against the candle because someone lost their matches
Again with the bleeding throat. Gee whiz that's fun!! There's nothing quite like aspirating and coughing up a nice, big honkin glob of bright red shit out of your trach tube three or four times during the night. Then suctioning it out in the morning. It's not the bleeding, it's tasting the blood that sucks. Hell, I've been hit in the mouth enough to know that coppery, slick, ick, taste of blood. It's getting a tad worse and the weeks move along. When I first noticed it a little over a month or go, it would be just a touch, and it would stop in an hour or so. And that wasn't very often or with any regularity. Now it's two or three times a week and goes on for that hour, and sometimes up to eight or ten hours. Not that it's like I've blown a vessel in my throat or anything, but it's enough it shows up. It could be several things, and all of those are related in some way to Baxter, that devious shit. Some of the symptoms I'm to expect are, you guessed it, bleeding. I'll get tired faster: Check, My energy level will fall: Check, the pain will increase: Check. Hmmm, Baxter is tripping along just like I figured he would. I can almost tell you when he picks up and scoots around so as to do his work in several places. My normal level of tired ramps up, and I just wanna sleep all the time. Actually to the near point of narcolepsy. Crazy stuff this Baxter is pulling.
I've got some other minor physical issues that I suspect will continue to increase. I believe Baxter is checking into my lymph node hotel. and trying to book every room. I'm starting to get some swelling under my arms and around the side of my neck they didn't cut nodes out. I am retaining fluid from my collar bones up, and some down my left side. I believe all that is Baxter related. After all, he liked my lymph nodes 5 years ago, no reason he shouldn't enjoy staying at them again.
Also, my shoulders and muscle around my shoulder blades just won't quit hurting. Sometimes worse than others, sometimes not bad at all, but alway some pain or another going on there. I don't recall if that's one of the symptoms or not. I do know that some of it is directly related to my surgery and how it's messing with my biomechanics. Where they left my pec tied into my chest is tightening up and puling my shoulder in and my head down. We started with some KTape yesterday, and I think that it's already beginning to help. I know that I can't swallow as well, or as much. I'm beginning to think that it's getting toward the end of my SLP therapy. There's no use taking up my therapists time if it's not helping. I'll know by the end of next week. The lymphedema therapy though, is still helping. Getting rid of some of that built up fluid in my face and neck helps a lot. Right now though, it builds back in almost as fast as they can get it cleared out. I may be winding down on that therapy as well. We'll just have to see how that goes. I'm funny, I guess, in that I'll be ready to quit ahead of my therapists. And these are good people, too. They aren't out to hang it in the insurance company just for a chance to treat, and we are working together to get it done. I like them and their "can do" attitude. I can see in their faces too, that they aren't enjoying this "end of life" stuff any more than I am. They're good folk
So, with all that, what am I gonna do? Just as I please, which is just like always. Granted, just as I please includes a large, everything on it thin crust pizza. I'll have to beg off that, but you get the idea. I've got some errands to run today, and then I should be able to just crash and burn with no big problems for the rest of the day. At least that's my plan. I quit telling my wife "I should be in early" when I was working. That was a sure shot that I was gonna be three or so hours late. It's like this: Should = Ought to, but not necessarily will. So I play each trip by ear. Works out better for me.
There are days when I'm not all good thoughts and jolly dancing Rock. Like everyone else I have good and bad days. I choose not to focus on the bad things that are going on, and that takes the edge off bad days for certain. It could be worse is absolutely true. And even I have trouble now and then thinking that. What is certain is that what you think affects how you feel and your health. If you're a constantly down person, you're gonna feel like shit most of the time. Up beat and optimistic people are generally healthier. It's why I put a name on my cancer. I can fight Baxter. Cancer is a broad term that hope is lost in. So screw cancer, I'm working on holding Baxter at bay. Just not with a clinical trial that's gonna make me more sick than I am now. Just because this MAY be a losing fight, doesn't mean I'm not going down swinging. In real life I lost my share of fights, but the other guy generally didn't want to do it again any time soon. Baxter will be no exception to that rule. I plan on fighting dirty, just like I did 30 some years ago, when I had to fight at all,
So, let's review. New things happen every day. It's not all cheery things either. That doesn't matter. Change is inevitable, no use railing against the candle because someone lost their matches
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